‘Lois Battles Jamie’
Season 6, Episode 8 - Aired January 23, 2005
Lois questions her strength when she can not get Jamie to calm down and eat his food. Meanwhile, Reese is determined to come up with a big idea for a diving board the boys found.
Quote from Lois
Lois: Aah, Jamie, this is ridiculous! You'll eat dead bugs out of the zapper, for God's sake, why won't you eat your peas? You love peas! Come on. This is name-brand stuff. It's three times the price of the food I eat! [Lois pinches Jamie's nose] If you want to breathe, you have to open your mouth. See? There's no reason for- [Jamie spits out the peas in Lois's face] Now you're just going to have to eat some eyebrow, too.
Hal: [enters] Hi, honey. Didn't you have the same fight with him at breakfast?
Lois: [sighs] This is the same fight as breakfast. It's the same jar of peas and it's the same stubborn little boy who is not gonna get his own way. That baby thinks he is gonna break me, but he doesn't know who he's dealing with. Hal, I'm not about to lose it with a- [Jamie has disappeared] God, how does he do that? [glass smashes]
Quote from Reese
Reese: One, two, three, go! [all groan]
Dewey: Please, we have to stop. I have to empty the blood out of my shoes again.
Reese: One last time. One, two, three, go! [all groan] This is gonna be so great! This is the answer.
Malcolm: What's the question?
Reese: I don't know yet, but this is definitely the answer.
Quote from Reese
Dewey: Mom's home early.
[Malcolm, Reese and Dewey desperately try to camouflage the diving board they put in the backyard. The boys stand in front of the barely covered diving board as Lois emerges from the station wagon with Jamie.]
Lois: You do not pinch, you do not poke, you do not bite, you do not spit, you do not eye-gouge, you do not vomit intentionally on other babies!
[Lois looks right at the boys and holds up Jamie]
Lois: A lifetime ban from Gymboree! A lifetime ban! [goes inside]
Malcolm: I can't believe it.
Dewey: She didn't even see the board.
Reese: This is a sign we were meant to have this. We were meant to do something really, really great with you. It'll come. We just have to be patient.
Quote from Dewey
Reese: Maybe we're just going about this the wrong way. We have to think outside the box. If you were a diving board, what would you want someone to do with you?
Dewey: Take me ice-skating.
Reese: Don't be an idiot. That place is freezing, and it's always so crowded.
Dewey: Yeah, but they have good hot dogs.
Reese: Those hot dogs suck compared to the ones at the train station.
Dewey: Why would a diving board want to go to a train station?
Reese: How should I know? Maybe he wants to visit a relative.
Malcolm: Okay! Okay! Back in the box.
Quote from Hal
Lois: There's a lot of things I can handle. A lot of things I've managed to survive. I'd even say I've thrived where others would have just thrown in the towel.
Hal: Yes, honey, you certainly have. Now relax, and let the bubbles do their work. Soothing. Sooth-
Malcolm: [o.s.] Dad, we finish-
Hal: [shouts] I told you to stay the hell away from this bathroom until I said so! This is a child-free zone until further notice! [quietly] Soothing, soothing...
Quote from Malcolm
Reese: [kicks diving board] I hate you! I hate you, I hate you! I hate you!
Malcolm: Reese, this is crazy. You've been staring at that damn thing for four days. We're getting rid of it.
Reese: No! Wait! I finally have an idea.
Dewey: What is it?
Reese: I'll have it in a second! Just wait!
Dewey: It's over, Reese. Once the board's gone, things should go back to normal.
Malcolm: Did you know that the Newmans put a statue of a naked guy on their front lawn a week ago? We should be ashamed of ourselves.
Quote from Malcolm
Reese: [screams]
Dewey: Should I get the hose?
Malcolm: Not yet. He would've wanted us to wait.
Quote from Hal
Lois: Good boy. You finished all your peas!
Hal: Hey, slugger. Guess what. The clinic called. They said my ass was a perfect match for your hand. They can start the skin grafts next week. [chuckles]
Quote from Reese
[Reese grabs a can of energy drink and a sippy cup]
Lois: Reese, what do you think you're doing?
Reese: What? He loves the stuff. He goes through three or four cans a day. I don't know how he does it. Half a can makes me nuts.
Quote from Lois
Lois: Did you see him?
Malcolm: See who? [glass smashes]
Hal: That-a-way!
Lois: We're in lockdown! This door stays closed till you hear the all-clear call.