Malcolm: [to camera] Dabney has three dentist appointments every week. His teeth look fine to me.
Lloyd: He's not going to the dentist. He's going to the "dentist." It's a secret code for the school therapist.
Malcolm: How come you know that? You see the shrink, too?
Lloyd: Yes, I'm currently seeing Ms. Gilbert. My mother and stepfather suggested it as a preemptive strike against my anger displacement tendencies. But ultimately, therapy was my decision. Not theirs... mine. It was voluntary.
Malcolm: Okay.
Lloyd: Yes, I am! My fear of rejection is virtually gone, and my self-worth is at an all-time high.

Lloyd: I've been onto you from the start. Not once did you pull any wool over this boy's eyes. You come in here, put a paper lantern around a lightbulb and, lo and behold, you're the Queen of the Nile. I say ha!
Dabney: [Southern accent] I've always depended on the kindness of strangers.
Lloyd: Stella! Stella! [all cheer]
Eraserhead: That was great! What's next?
Malcolm: I have no idea. We've done everything we can do in this house.
Lloyd: It can't be over. Come on, think. With our brains and your gift for reckless, antisocial behavior there's got to be something else we can do.

Malcolm: She saw me. She saw me. I am so dead.
Dabney: We're all dead. I'm not going to get into a good college.
Eraserhead: Mom is going to kill me.
Lloyd: We should just end this. We should drive off a cliff, like Thelma and Louise.
Dabney: Why does everything end in a group suicide with you?
Malcolm: Okay, okay. Stop panicking. Let's all just calm down, and think about this, okay? Okay, first of all, I don't think she saw you guys. So there's no reason we all should get in trouble, and... [all disappear] Guys? Stevie, want some help?
Stevie: [o.s.] Pop... the trunk.

Lloyd: Looks like you and Cynthia have some real chemistry.
Malcolm: Would you shut up?
Lloyd: No, see, it-it's a play on words.
Malcolm: I said shut up.
Lloyd: I'll e-mail it to you and some others, if you don't mind.

Malcolm: Hey, you guys seen Cynthia?
Dabney: No, but maybe you can settle a debate. Maroon or beige?
Malcolm: What are you guys talking about?
Lloyd: Duh. Matching turtlenecks for the party.

Cynthia: Hey, everybody.
Malcolm: Oh, Cynthia, I wanted to apologize...
Cynthia: Nothing to apologize for, Malcolm. Here. I'm canceling my party. These are uninvitations. Don't crowd, there's one for each of you. Malcolm opened my eyes to the fact that I'm a creepy, friendless dork who has no reason to expect anyone to come to her party.
Lloyd: You callous bastard!

Lloyd: Any porcelain tea sets? Not for me, of course. For my sister.
Malcolm: Isn't your sister at Vassar?
Lloyd: Look, do you want the cash or not?!

Lloyd: Hey, you guys want to camp out in front of PC World tonight? The new Norton anti-virus comes out tomorrow.
Kevin: Your mom would let you?
Lloyd: She's holding my place right now!
Malcolm: Are you serious? What's the big deal?
Dabney: Sorry, Malcolm, but we have a life outside this place.

Lloyd: Look at them. All they're thinking about is how many different places they'll dispose of my body.

Lloyd: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Goth Kid: Is that from the new Ministry album?
Lloyd: What?
Goth Kid: Abandon all hope. Is that from the new Ministry album?
Lloyd: Actually, it's from Dante's Inferno. It's the inscription over the gates of hell.
Goth Kid: That is way dark. [goths nod]