Hal: Uh, your poster, it's distracting people from my poster, and mine was there first.
Patrick: So? It's not your tree.
Hal: Look, I-I'm sure that your dog Milton Is very sweet and you love him very much, but I'm looking for my son. An actual human being who's been missing for two days. Now don't you think finding a lost person is more important than finding a lost dog?
Patrick: I don't know your kid, but from the way my mom and dad talk, your whole family isn't worth as much as my dog.
Hal: You li- [chuckles] What's your name?
Patrick: Patrick.
Hal: Patrick. Let me tell you a little something about your dog. He's gone, see? Some other family has taken him in. And right now that family is pampering Milton in ways you never even dreamed of. So your dog already loves them a lot more than he ever loved you. And if you ever did get him back, oh, he would just resent you until he found some way to escape again. So, why don't you just take the poster down, okay?
Patrick: Take your poster down. Your kid's probably in a crack house.
Hal: [tears down poster] Ha!
Patrick: [tears down poster] Ha!
Hal: [tears down poster] Ha!
Patrick: [tears down poster] Ha!

Hal: [over bullhorn] Just come home, Malcolm. If you want me to apologize, I will. I was wrong, and you were totally right about everything.
Dewey: Geez, Dad, hold something back.
Hal: Who cares what started all this? It doesn't matter. I just want you back because you're my son. And you're the only one in this family who has a chance of amounting to anything.
Dewey: What?
Hal: It's not true, son. I was just trying to- [turns bullhorn off] I'm just trying to get Malcolm home. [over bullhorn] Ignore that last part, Malcolm. You're our only hope. Please, come home. I love you.

Malcolm: It's so weird at my house. Nobody ever answers the phone. My brothers are seeing who can go the longest without changing their underwear. I never thought I'd miss my mom. I still don't, but I'm getting close.

[dream sequence: Hal is tied to a post in the living room as Malcolm pours gasoline on him:]
Hal: Boys Boys, come on, let's be reasonable. This is no way to treat your father.
Malcolm: What kind of father are you? You're nothing but a joke, and you're weak.
Hal: Oh, man, are you going to pay for that when your mother gets home!
Reese: You still think Mom's coming back after the way you screwed things up? Dewey, what do you think you're doing? I'm lighting Dad on fire.
Dewey: No way. I get to do it.
Malcolm: We'll all do it.
Hal: [whimpers]
[Hal wakes up screaming:]
Hal: Oh, my God, honey. I just had the worst dream. The boys just I- I lost control of them, and-and you were never coming home and It was just awful.
Craig: It's okay, sweetie. Go back to sleep. We'll spoon, okay?
Hal: [sniffles] Okay.
[Hal wakes up screaming]

Hal: You crossed the line, mister. And until further notice, there will be no TV, no computer and no video games because I am at zero tolerance with you boys! Is that understood?! Zero tolerance! [Malcolm rolls his eyes] What? Did you just roll your eyes at me? As long as you are living in this house, I demand your respect!
Malcolm: For what? This house is a pigsty. Everything in the fridge has expired. I found a piece of cake in the shower.
Dewey: That's mine.
Malcolm: And now you're screaming at me because you can't control them, and you know what? I'm sick of it.
Hal: Oh, well, if that's the way you feel, you know where the door is.
Malcolm: I do know where the door is, and I know how to use it!
Dewey: It's 3:00 in the morning. Everyone's a little upset...
Hal: Then go ahead and use it! See if I care! Just turn the knob and pull.
Malcolm: Oh, I'll turn the knob and pull. Just watch me! Turning and pulling!
Hal: I'm watching, but I don't see you doing it.
Malcolm: [giggles] I am doing it. Turn. Pull. And now I'm outside!
Hal: Congratulations! Would you like me to close the door?
Malcolm: Yes, close the damn door! [Hal closes the door] Thank you! [to camera] Here comes the tearful apology. Three... two... one. [door locks]

Francis: Okay, Willy, here goes. [in German] "I know you are trying to be friendly, but what your armchair are doing is make me feel bad."
[Willy takes Francis's German/English dictionary]
Willy: Crybaby bastard.
Francis: [inhales sharply] No, I'm not going to give you the satisfaction. I'm not going to get mad. [serene tune playing] Okay, Willy, you want it, you got it! [smashes piano] Come on, Willy! Make some music to this! Where's your music now, Willy?! Where's your music now?! [crowd gasps] He was playing music while I did stuff.

Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, maybe Nicki could have at least left me a paper cup or something up here. [whimpers] I just wish she'd come back to say hello. I miss talking to her. I was going to be her little secret. [sniffles] She's so incredible. I can't believe she ever liked me. I had Nicki and I had a family. What happened? How did it ever get like this? My God, I'm horrible. No wonder my dad kicked me out of the house. I'm annoying and selfish. Nicki and my family are lucky. At least they get to get away from me. I'm stuck here with myself. Wait a second. I don't have to be like this. I can change. I can totally change. From now on, I'll just listen to what people say. I'll be friendly. I'll be considerate. [laughs] Yeah. Yeah, I like this new Malcolm. [sniffs] [groans][distant murmuring] That's her. [panting] What's she talking about? That's a guy's voice. There's a guy in her room. A guy in her room!
[cut to Hal and Boyd with Nicki in her room:]
Nicki: I am telling you, he is not here!
[Malcolm crashes through the ceiling]

Dewey: Try as I might, I just can't find a flaw in this plan.

Hal: Welcome home, son.
Malcolm: Thanks, Dad.
Reese: Help me!
Malcolm: If it helps, this probably would have happened even if Mom was here.
Reese: Someone, please!
Hal: It does help.
Reese: I have to go to the bathroom.