Malcolm: I'm going to tell my mom how I can't beat people's expectations on my science test.
Jessica: Are you a complete moron?
Malcolm: What?
Jessica: [scoffs] Amateurs. You are not trying to manipulate a guy here, Malcolm. You have to use your brain.
Malcolm: But it worked great last time.
Jessica: Which is why you can never use it again. Especially with your mom's radar. Come on, sit down, listen to me. You got lucky the first time. But if you want to pull this off, getting the car two nights in a row, you have to be very, very good.
Malcolm: Why can't I just-
Jessica: Hey! Do you want to ride Jamie's Big Wheel to the party? I am telling you, you have to share some real fear or feeling of inadequacy. If you are not totally honest, she will see right through your scam.

Malcolm: It was amazing. We've never really talked like that. She said she felt like a total outcast in high school. She told me all this stuff. Like really personal stuff, but it didn't feel creepy like your mom's telling you stuff. It was more like we were equals. It was great.
Jessica: Good work. Did you get the car?
Malcolm: What? Oh, yeah. You know, I think I'm going to skip the party.
Jessica: You're kidding.
Malcolm: Yeah, I don't know, I just I don't really feel like going out. You know what? I think I'm going to stay home and start a journal.

Lois: He thinks he's on his way to China, and you've just been torturing him in that box?!
Dewey: Yeah.
Lois: Can he breathe in there?
Dewey: He's still making noises.
Lois: And he's got food and water?
Dewey: Yeah.
Lois: All right.

Mike: Hi. I'm Mike, Jessica's friend.
Dewey: Dewey.
Mike: Mind if I make myself a sandwich?
Dewey: I don't care. Wait, can you do me a favor first? There's this crate in the garage I can't get open. You look really strong.
Mike: Sure.
[cut to Dewey with Mike in the garage as he opens the crate with a crowbar:]
Reese: [groans] Aha! I bet you weren't expecting this, Zhao! Now you're gonna experience a good old American ass-whuppin'. [punches Mike's leg]
Mike: Hey, quit it!
Reese: I don't speak Chinese, jackass. [punches Mike's leg again]

[As Reese is pouring a bowl of cereal in his crate, the box is moving around.]
Reese: Stupid jet engine.
[After a sudden bout of "turbulence", Reese's bowl of cereal spills all over him.]
Reese: Hey! Why don't you learn how to fly this stupid thing?!
[In the garage, Dewey is running the lawnmower and has the crate hooked up to a pulley, which he is tugging up and down while occasionally kicking the box from the side]

Reese: Give me the candy bar. [Jamie shakes his head] You heard me, Jamie. Give it.
[After Jamie "throws" the candy bar, Reese pants and goes running after it]
Reese: Where is it? Where'd it go?
[Jamie eats the candy bar]
Malcolm: [to camera] Wow, I was five before I got Reese to fall for that.

Malcolm: Hey, Mom, can I borrow your car tonight? Frank Miller's signing his new graphic novel-
Lois: You're going to drive it the way you threw your pants in a wad behind the hamper yesterday? I don't think so.
Malcolm: What? [to camera] How does her mind even form thoughts like that?

Lois: Reese's eggs are stone cold. Dewey, you can bring them to him now.
Dewey: Okay.
[Dewey takes the plate into his room and presses play on a tape recorder]
Reese: [on tape] It's about a time, buttmunch. She actually expects me to eat this slop?

Lois: Oh, sure, I feel lonely. Sometimes even with my family all around me, I feel like there's this... I don't know, this- this gulf between us that I can't get across and maybe don't even want to. Does that sound awful?
Malcolm: No, no. I know exactly what you're talking about. There's this deep chasm of loneliness, but the weird thing is, it's it's not all that horrible. It's almost like this... This...
Lois: Sweet pain?
Malcolm: Oh, my God. I thought I was the only one who felt that way.
Lois: Well, it's not something I really talk about. I can't believe I'm even telling you.
Malcolm: Don't worry, Mom. I- I understand. I really do.
Lois: Oh, look at the time. Malcolm, we've gabbed the whole morning away. I got to get dressed for work.
Malcolm: Go ahead. I'll finish the dishes.
Lois: I'm gonna take you up on that.

Jessica: That was genius.
Malcolm: Jessica? You were there the whole time?
Jessica: Seriously, that was awesome. What are you going for?
Malcolm: What? Nothing.
Jessica: Malcolm, it's me. What are you after? I mean you've got her opening up to you. Forget about the car. With that level of intimacy, I'd shoot for a laptop.
Malcolm: We were just talking about things we felt.
Jessica: Wow, Malcolm, that's really... pathetic.
Malcolm: Shut up.