Ida Quotes Page 2 of 9
Quote from Christmas
[Ida walks out onto the balcony with a plate of rice squares as she hears the Christmas carolers approaching]
Ida: Stop that racket! [throws squares] People are trying to sleep! Your stupid music! There's no figgy pudding for you!
Quote from Grandma Sues
Francis: I can't believe what I'm hearing! Are you insane or just evil?
Ida: Aah! Wolves should rip out your throat!
Francis: What kind of a complete idiot butters their toast like that?! Everybody knows it's inside to outside!
Ida: Come talk to me of toast when you grow some hair in your pants. Stupid animal thinks he knows about toast.
Lois: Mom, would you please pass the potatoes?
Ida: I think you've had more than enough potatoes. Does the chair have to break before you stop eating?
Quote from Baby: Part 2
Steve: They say that childbirth is the most painful thing a person can go through.
Ida: With a little light pancake, you could pass. You don't have to hang out with the other ones, you know.
Steve: Okay, you know what? See, here's the thing, lady. We're better than you. Every one of us in every way. I'm smarter than you, more educated, and I contribute more to society. I have a family that loves me. I live in a big house, drive a nice car and make more money in a year than you've probably made your whole lifetime.
Ida: Big deal. So you're a drug dealer.
Steve: Booga-booga!
Ida: [shrieks]
Quote from Victor's Other Family
Lois: Aha! A canceled check for Dad's cyst removal with your signature on it!
Ida: Beautiful! Let them try and say that's not a marriage! And look! The pig Victor got for my dowry!
Lois: It might take a year or two, but we are gonna get that 40 bucks out of their eye sockets! [Ida laughs] You know, Mom, if this thing does go to trial, it might help us if you worked a little bit on your demeanor. You know, when you deal with other people, you could be pleasant and say, "How are you?" And that way people will think that you care about their feelings, and then they might care about yours.
Ida: What the hell are you talking about?
Lois: I'm just trying to help you.
Ida: I know you are, Vuschka. I'm sorry. It's just a lot for me to remember. You can show me more tricks tomorrow.
Lois: It's kind of funny, huh, Mom? After all these years, you and I are actually helping each other.
Ida: Well, you live as long as I have, you get used to anything.
Quote from Ida Loses a Leg
Lois: For God sakes, you both have such huge reservoirs of hate, you're telling me there's no overlap? What about boy bands? Mom, you hate boy bands, right?
Ida: They're making a living, give them a break.
Francis: You see?
Lois: You're not getting out of this so easily. You stay here and you figure it out right now.
Francis: Hey, Ida, don't you hate how bossy my mom is?
Ida: Oh God, she's awful. Always ordering me around, making me jump through hoops for her like every day is her birthday.
Francis: And God forbid you forget her birthday. Then it's martyr time for the next five weeks.
Ida: And for what? Everyone knows it's a made-up holiday anyway. And those stupid cards? Money in the garbage.
Francis: Oh, God yes! What a scam. It's like, "La-la, I'm old, so here's a stupid cartoon with boobs on it."
Ida: Exactly. [shifts over to let Francis sit down on the couch] No one really remembers the day they had their child. They pretend they do to feel important.
Quote from Graduation
Ida: Show it to me.
Reese: It's beautiful, Grandma. I just cracked the lid a quarter inch and it burned off all the hair in my nose.
Ida: Good. Who takes the fall?
Reese: Huh?
Ida: Your patsy. Who is your patsy? [Reese is silent] Ah, it's a good thing you called me. If you're going to make this big mess, they're going to blame someone. And you can make it anyone you want. A teacher, a neighbor. If you're lucky, a whole family goes down. And you get to sell their dog.
Reese: You are amazing. If you ever brushed your teeth, I would kiss you.
Quote from Baby: Part 1
Lois: What do you mean, "no"? You don't have any choice.
Ida: What are you going to do? Pick me up and throw me out? Are you going to toss an old woman out into the street? In front of your neighbors?
Francis: Sounds good to me. [picks up Ida]
Ida: Whoa!
Francis: You brought this on yourself, you old monster. You have no idea how good this makes me...
[Francis yelps as Ida grabs his crotch. Francis whimpers as he lowers Ida back down to the floor.]
Quote from Grandma Sues
Ida: Your fingers are too fat. Who has fingers like that? I'm losing my appetite just looking at them.
Hal: She can feed herself, Lois.
Ida: I didn't ask for this. This is your fault. You keep your yard like a jungle. And steps. Who builds a house with steps? You think you're better than everybody else?
Quote from Baby: Part 1
Lois: Mother, we can't afford to put you up here.
Ida: You can afford a maid.
Piama: I'm not the maid, Ida. My name is Piama. I'm married to Francis.
Ida: Tell the help not to talk to me.
Quote from Victor's Other Family
Lois: It's the results of the blood test that lawyer wanted me to take. This says paternity is genetically impossible. This says that Dad is not my father!
Ida: I was 80% sure you were his.
Lois: What?!
Ida: The very second Victor walked in the house, I dragged him to the bedroom. I guess his soldiers got outflanked.
Lois: What?! Mother, how could you do something like that?!
Ida: I was lonely. Your father had a lot of business trips. Now we know what his business was.
Lois: Then who is my father?
Ida: Oh, what do you want to get into that for? Radu Gogorsky. The only interesting thing about him was he could walk up a flight of stairs on his hands.
Lois: What about Susan? Is she Dad's daughter?
Ida: Anything's possible.
Lois: How could you lie like this?
Ida: Sweetie, don't be upset. We can change this "A" to a "B." The judge will completely buy it.