‘Ida Loses a Leg’
Season 6, Episode 14 - Aired March 20, 2005
Ida loses a leg when she saves Dewey from an oncoming truck. Meanwhile, Reese and Malcolm are too afraid to sleep as they both worry they other one is going to superglue their face.
Quote from Francis
Francis: What's going on?
Lois: Francis, it was a very difficult time. Your father was changing jobs, and then Reese came along. He was like a whole pack of wolves by himself. It was just too much.
Ida: You were a horrible child. You tore a huge gash in your side trying to get out through the window.
Francis: That's what this is from?
Ida: You cried like a baby when I tried to sew you up.
Francis: I was a baby! You dumped me off and you left me with this monster?!
Lois: Francis, it's not the way you're thinking. You don't even remember it.
Francis: No, but you know what? It's good to know. It's really nice to know that as a toddler, your own mother couldn't wait to get rid of you.
Lois: Francis-
Francis: Actually, I should thank you. 'Cause you waited till I was 15 before you kicked me out for good. That must have been so hard for you.
Lois: You can't judge me for this. You weren't there.
Francis: And whose fault was that?!
Quote from Malcolm
Reese: What's going on in here? What are you guys up to?
Malcolm: Oh, nice cover. You two have a side deal!
Stevie: No!
Reese: Or maybe you're just trying to make me think we have a side deal.
Malcolm: Why would I do that?
Reese: Exactly!
Malcolm: Don't try to make me think that you're confused, because I know you aren't.
Reese: Why would I want you to think that?!
Malcolm: Because... There's some angle that I'm not seeing, but I'll get it.
Reese: Nice bluff!
Malcolm: Nice fake-out!
Reese: Oh, yeah? Well, you can play all the smart games you want, but I'm not gonna let you get away with it.
I'll glue my own face to the floor! Then what are you gonna do, huh?
Malcolm: That'd be the perfect way to make me let my guard down, wouldn't it?! [both glue their own faces and then lay on the floor] Stevie, I know you'll be mature enough, not to do anything, I would do... [both fall asleep]
Quote from Dewey
Hal: Come on, Champion. Come on, boy. You don't want that nasty old leg, do you? [dog growls] Okay, just kidding. Sorry.
Dewey: Dad, he's ruining it! Throw another steak in there.
Hal: I am not going to waste another steak. He's not going for it, and it was $12 a pound.
Dewey: It was not! It was bargain meat, and he knows the difference.
Quote from Hal
Hal: Shouldn't you boys be getting ready for school?
Reese: Didn't you hear? They went to four-hour days. It's shameful. The taxpayers won't even support-
Hal: Forget it, Reese. You are not going to misbehave this week. Your mother already thinks I can't be trusted to watch you boys. Like somehow I'm going to do something idiotic and irresponsible. Hey, look at this. Some kid fell asleep at a frat party and another kid glued his face to the floor. [laughs] Can you imagine what that looked like? Just regular old Super Glue. We've got a ton of that stuff in our garage. Where do people get these ideas?
Quote from Ida
Lois: Mother, I was getting the door for you.
Ida: I don't need your pity! I'm fine!
Lois: No, you are not fine. You need to relax. If you keep thrashing around, the doctor says it'll make your leg bleed again.
Ida: Ha! Scare tactics those butchers tell you so you'll get weak and they can sell you more go-go pills.
Quote from Ida
Francis: There and there. [steps one foot into Ida's apartment] I helped get her moved back in and I spent some time in her place. My obligation is fulfilled. Have fun you two.
Lois: Get back in here. We are not having this argument again.
Ida: Let him go. It's the little one that owes me his life.
Francis: See, even she thinks so.
Lois: Francis, everyone else in this family has either school or a job. So you're staying here and helping your grandmother.
Ida: I don't need help. Look at him. He has nothing between his legs and he manages.
Francis: If you think I'm above punching you, you are totally wrong.
Ida: Of course you'd hit a cripple. You couldn't even get a white girl to marry you.
Lois: Stop it both of you. Can you go at least five seconds without screaming at each other? [they pause for a few seconds]
Francis: I am sick of you!
Ida: You stupid Nancy boy!
Francis: You dried up old hag! If I had been driving that truck myself-
Ida: You ought to strangle yourself- [overlapping arguments]
Quote from Francis
Francis: I don't care if you knew the end of that Star Trek episode! I didn't and you ruined it! You can't let anyone else be happy!
Ida: Shut up, monkey! Anyone with half a brain could see the rocks were alive!
Lois: Both of you, stop it! Francis, it does not matter how horribly you act, you are not getting out of this! You are stuck here, so suck it up! [to Ida] And you you are old and injured and you need his help. All your yelling and viciousness does not equal physical strength. You cannot bully a can of soup down off the shelf. You cannot scream it down. You need his help.
Francis: Yeah, you old bat, where's your gratitude?
Quote from Ida
Ida: This is me with your Uncle Vlad. This is the only picture of him sober. And there's Cousin Rega. You smile at her, she jumps into bed with you.
Francis: And what's wrong with this person? What was his moral failing?
Ida: My dear old friend, Peter. Look at him, holding a menu like he could read.
Quote from Malcolm
Stevie: Okay... what's going on?
Malcolm: Look, I got into this thing with Reese and it's way out of hand. I haven't slept in three days. If you could just do me a favor, just be on lookout for Reese. If I can get one hour of sleep, then I can have the upper hand and I can end this.
Stevie: Okay.
Malcolm: Thank you. Wait a minute. Why'd you say okay?
Stevie: What?
Malcolm: I mean, I just told you and you said okay like it wasn't a big deal. It seems like you'd at least want to think about it for a little bit. Unless this was a setup. That's what this is, isn't it?
Quote from Lois
Hal: Oh! Lois, I keep finding your mother's teeth everywhere. Is she spitting them out or are they escaping?
Lois: She must be wearing her smoking teeth. Those are her fancy teeth. Look, I can't fight every battle with her, Hal. I got her to smoke outside. That's today's victory.
[As Ida smokes by the open door, she turns around to blow the cigarette smoke into the house]