Hal: And it was wriggling and fighting. And finally I got it on the hook. That was one helluva worm. I was sure I'd catch something with it.

Malcolm: You guys went to the camp? Oh, man. What was it like?
Reese: Imagine 100 fat guys fallin' downstairs, knocking over old ladies. Multiply that by 10 and you're not even close.
Stevie: Until today... I'd have traded... my life... for anybody's. [rubs bra across face]
Malcolm: No way. It's Mom's.
Reese: If it were Mom's, would I do this? [sniffs bra] [sighs]

Abe: [sighs] That was delicious. [exits]
Kitty: I am so sorry about Abe.
Lois: What do you mean?
Kitty: Oh, you're sweet to pretend, but I know he's ruining the vacation with his pouting and sarcastic little digs.
Lois: Well, if it's bothering you, talk to him.
Abe: [returns] [sighs] Sure is a beautiful night.
Kitty: You're right! Anything is better than this!

Francis: You know, I didn't want it to come to this but there's only so far a person can be pushed.
Attorney: You don't have to convince me. This is the kind of injustice the Alabama legal system was designed to address. Now, just sign here. [Francis signs the document] And we'll need your parents' signatures at the bottom. [Francis signs the document again] Great! I'm a notary as well as a lawyer so I can have this expedited.
Francis: Great. [shakes hand]

Reese: Now, remember, this is a magic buoy. Mermaid's are drawn to it and they'll grant your every wish. But they won't show up if there's more than one person here.
Dewey: Just leave. Don't insult me.

Abe: If you'll excuse me, dear, I think I'll take a nap on my luxurious foam bed. [exits]
Lois: How long you gonna let this go on?
Kitty: I tried to talk to him. It just didn't help.
Lois: Maybe you came on too strong. Start by apologizing. You don't have to mean it. [off Kitty's look] Look, you have one day of vacation left. You wanna spend it like this?
Kitty: All right. I can swallow my pride. [exits] [o.s.] And you think you're some kind of a picnic?! With your long suffering sad eyes and your pouting? You are a big, over-indulged momma's boy!
Abe: [o.s.] You are an uptight, impossible-to-please, control freak! I can't take it any more!
Kitty: What will you do about it, momma's boy?! Huh?! What's the big momma's boy gonna do about it?! [thudding] [crashing]
Lois: Oh, my God- [opens door] I'm sorry. I thought you were fighting. I didn't see anything! [washes hands] Oh, dear God!

Malcolm: We're not renting the fanciest place here but I have a place to work on my cliff diving.
Girl: Wow.
Malcolm: [to camera] We're actually sharing a houseboat with Stevie's family on a man-made lake by the power plant. I don't want to meet the girl that would impress.

Hal: Now, don't tell me this doesn't do somethin' for ya. [pats woman's butt] [gasps] I- I- I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You see, my wife has the exact same shape...

Francis: Dude, where were you? If Spangler finds out you blew off drill practice, he's going to kill you.
Eric: I'm not afraid of Spangler any more.
Francis: Why aren't you in uniform?
Eric: I'm leavin'. I'm outta here. [removes nudey magazines]
Francis: You can't just leave.
Eric: Yes, I can. I just turned 18, I'm legally an adult and no-one can tell me what to do! I'm getting the hell outta here!
Francis: You're not gonna graduate?!
Eric: Nope, I'm going to Alaska. Francis, it's crazy up there. You can make $45 an hour working on oil rigs or logging camps and you don't even need a diploma.
Francis: Wait! $45 an hour?
Eric: That's with room and board. You work a couple of years and... mmm! You're set for life. [finds VHS tape] Somethin' to remember me by.

Malcolm: [to camera] Dad's probably not that mad at me. I mean, it's not like I personally shoved him in the squad car, right? [to Hal] Dad, can I talk to you?
Hal: Er, no. Not right now. I'm kinda busy. Uh, Reese, can you help me?
Reese: Oh, sure, Dad. I love to be helpful.
Hal: Can you close the door?
[Reese slams the door on Malcolm]