Joe: We had a vote. We want you to get rid of the plant. You're going to get us all in trouble with this little stunt of yours.
Francis: This isn't a stunt. It's an act of defiance.
Joe: It's a plant.
Francis: Can't you see this isn't about a plant? It's about fighting tyranny, fascism and oppression. When Spangler sees this, he'll know that he didn't crush our spirit and he never will.
Joe: It's not worth the risk.
Francis: Once again, it looks like I'm the only man around here. [waters plant]

Lois: Where's Mr. Li?
Cashier: Excuse me?
Lois: The massage guy. Where is he?
Cashier: Oh. He's not working here anymore.
Lois: What do you mean? That's impossible. He would never leave without telling me.
Cashier: Well, I could try to find out where he moved to.
Lois: So he could leave me again? Forget it! It's over!

Spangler: This is more like it. Everything shipshape. The commanding officer enters and is greeted by straightened backs and the crack of shoe leather. Now I know it's been a rough couple of days, but you will agree, we are the better for it. We are a lean, mean learning machine. [chops the plant with his hook] Now, I know that some of you think that I'm a sadist, but someday you will thank me. [exits]
Cadet: Man, that's brutal. Is there anything we can do to cheer you up?
Francis: Do you have any more pictures of your sister?

Reese: It's over? But you promised me partial nudity.
Hal: Yeah, that was a lie.
Reese: And the ice cream after?
Hal: That, too.

Lois: You went from a part with no lines to the lead in the high school play?
Hal: Oh, that's great. It's not a musical, is it?
Lois: No.
Hal: That's great.

Reese: Dude, you play a fairy?
Lois: Not just any fairy, Reese. He's the biggest fairy in the whole play. I am so proud of you.
Malcolm: Rehearsals are every night. You have to get me there by 5:00.
Lois: Every night?
Malcolm: Oh, yeah, we build sets on the weekends.
Lois: Okay, we can do this. If I go into work early, I can get off in enough time to drop you off at rehearsal before I take Reese to hockey. Uh, except the days Reese has detention. And then Dewey's home alone.
Hal: I'll take care of it. I can rearrange my schedule for a couple weeks. [to Dewey] It'll be fun spending some time together.
Dewey: Can we run over things in the car like we did last time?
Hal: Da-da-shh... It was already dead.

Lois: Okay, spaghetti, toilet cleaner, glitter for Malcolm's costume... I think that's it. Oh, my God, is that right? What time do you have?
Cashier: Uh, 5:45.
Lois: 5:45? That's not possible. I... dropped off Malcolm, picked up Reese. Dinner's in the oven. Huh.
Cashier: What is it?
Lois: I have the next 25 minutes free.
Cashier: How did you manage that? Did you leave a kid somewhere?
Lois: No, no, they're- they're all accounted for.
Cashier: What are you going to do?
Lois: I don't know. Huh. Yeah, um... I don't know.

Mr. Li: Would you like a massage?
Lois: Oh, I don't know. I'm really not a massage person.
Mr. Li: It only takes 15 minutes.
Lois: Well... I do have some time to kill. I am not taking off my shirt. And I'm warning you, I've never been hypnotized. And I've never been relaxed. [Mr. Li begins] Hmm. That actually feels... ...feels... pretty good. [sobs]

Malcolm: [to camera] I wonder if I could just go straight to high school? I've been told skipping grades stunts you socially, but I think I've been lied to.

Lois: Oh, you're still here? I was just doing some shopping... and I thought while I was here, you know, I'd, I'd stop over and say "hi."
[cut to Lois getting a massage from Mr. Li:]
Lois: Oh, my God. How do you do that?
Mr. Li: Release points. This one releases the mind. This one releases the heart. And you know what this one does.
[cut to Lois and Hal in bed:]
Hal: Wow.