‘Hal's Friend’
Season 4, Episode 14 - Aired March 30, 2003
Hal invites an old high school friend to visit since Lois isn't there to stop him. Dewey finds a way to use his mother's absence to his advantage. Meanwhile, Malcolm tries to liberate Dabney from his over-bearing mother, and Otto stays with Francis when Gretchen is away.
Quote from Francis
Francis: [inner monologue] This is kind of a landmark night for me. My first psychological trauma not caused by my mother. But I guess I do owe Otto for everything he's done for me. I mean, he and Gretchen have just been amazing. Gretchen. I wonder what was in that note?
Otto: [screams in sleep]
Quote from Dewey
Malcolm: Dewey, if Dad wakes up by dinner, tell him I'm at Dabney's.
Dewey: Okay.
Woman: [on phone] Good afternoon. The current time is...
Dewey: Yeah, Mom. My bed's going in the sunny spot, and Reese's bed is going in the closet like you wanted.
Alison: This is ridiculous. We're never going to make that movie.
Reese: I'm moving as fast as I can, okay?
Dewey: He's doing a really good job, Mom. You may want to give him a break.
Reese: Thanks, Dewey. You're a good brother.
Dewey: She said no.
Quote from Reese
Alison: Don't you think it's a little strange that your mom keeps calling just so you can do Dewey's homework and-and fix Dewey's bike, and move Dewey's furniture around?
Reese: What are you trying to say?
Alison: It's obvious, isn't it? She wants you to do stuff for Dewey.
Dewey: Hey, if you want to talk to her about it...
Alison: As a matter of fact, I do. [takes phone] Hello? Yes, good afternoon to you, too. Well, thank you, but I really don't need to know what time it is. Wait, listen to me. Listen to me!
Reese: Forget it, there's no talking to her.
Alison: Good-bye. Okay, good afternoon. God, she's polite and rude at the same time.
Quote from Dabney
Dabney: Hi, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Where's your mom?
Dabney: In the shower.
Malcolm: Good. Then I won't have to put the laxative in her tea. We have to meet Stevie at paintball in an hour.
Dabney: Malcolm, I can't go Mom and I are going to put on our pajamas and watch videos.
Malcolm: Dabney, your grandfather got you this amazing gun, and you have to use it.
Dabney: Look, Malcolm, I know you think I'm a mama's boy-
Malcolm: No. Mama's boys are laughing at you with their mothers. Come on, I saw the look in your eye when you opened it. Admit it. You're dying to do this. You just have to break free from your mom.
Dabney: Malcolm, you don't understand. In exactly 17 minutes, she's going to open that shower door and expect to see me there with a warm, cozy towel. All right, let's go.
Quote from Francis
Otto: [yells]
Francis: [reads] "Dear Francis, to stop Otto's night terrors, just caress his Ohrlappchen. Gretchen."
Otto: [yelling continues]
Francis: His Ohrlappchen? Please, please, please, please, please.
[As Francis grabs Otto's earlobe and starts to caress it, Otto falls silents]
Francis: [sighs] Thank you.
Quote from Reese
Hal: Oh, and Reese, she wanted you to sweep the leaves off the garage roof when you get home from school today.
Reese: What? But today is the one day that Alison's parents aren't home. To interfere with our homework.
Hal: Reese, your mother-
Reese: This isn't fair! Mom can't control us when she's not even here!
Hal: Nobody is being controlled by your mother. For instance, I'm inviting an old friend over tonight, and even though we're never going to tell Your mother about it, it doesn't mean we're being controlled. To repeat: Your mother is never to hear about this. And you boys are just going to love Larry. We were inseparable in high school. But seriously, your mother cannot find out he was in this house.
Dewey: Dad, you're hurting me.
Hal: Oh. Sorry, sweetheart.
Quote from Malcolm
Dorene Hooper: Malcolm, Stevie.
Malcolm: Hi, Mrs. Hooper.
Dorene Hooper: Do either of you hooligans Know where my son, Dabney, is?
Malcolm: I don't know. He was excused from gym. What is a nervous eyelid anyway?
Dorene Hooper: It's an allergic reaction to either gluten, whey or air. I suppose you boys are coming to Dabney's birthday party tonight.
Malcolm: Yeah. Sure.
Dorene Hooper: Just a little reminder: I don't want either of you showing up with any punk hairdos or racy outfits.
Quote from Otto
Otto: Whoo! Whoo! This floor is so cold. Get me under those warm blankets. Aah! Aah. Aah.
Francis: This is sort of weird. I haven't had a sleep-over since I was in the third grade. I was at Jeffery Feldman's house and his mom, uh- [Otto throws his underwear on the floor] Otto, what the hell are you doing?!
Otto: I know, I am a notorious blanket hog. [chuckles] Mmm. [rolls over]
Francis: [screams] Otto!
Otto: Ooh. Sorry. Popsicle toes. [laughs]
Quote from Dabney
Dorene Hooper: [screams on TV]
Man: [on TV] Push! Push!
Dabney: Look! I'm starting to crown!
Dorene Hooper: [on TV] Get this horrible thing out of me! [screaming continues]
Quote from Dabney
Dabney: Can I open Grandpa's present first, Mom?
Dorene Hooper: Well, we might as well get that out of the way.
Stevie: Whoa. The XJ... 7000!
Dabney: Cool! What is it?
Malcolm: It's a paintball gun. It's, like, the best one you can buy.
Dorene Hooper: I'll take that.
Dabney: But, Mom!
Dorene Hooper: When will your thoughtless grandfather learn? These gifts do nothing but overstimulate you. And when the so-called fun ends, you're left all red and giggly and up until 9:00. Well, not this time. Give it to Mommy. [they tussle]
Dabney: That's okay. I wouldn't know how to paint with it anyway.