Francis: I think I speak for all of us when I say tonight ruled!
Reese: Totally. We own you all. No one is safe. We are the kings of this block. Did you hear me, world? Violence just got a little more random!
[Reese is hit by water balloon. Malcolm is hit by a balloon containing a white substance. Francis ducks out of the way of an incoming projectile.]
Francis: Reload! Reload!
[A projectile knocks out the catapult.]
Francis: This is incredible. Their accuracy is amazing.
Dewey: Make it stop!
Francis: Who are these guys?
Malcolm: [tastes substance] It's tofu.

Eraserhead: They're surrendering.
Lloyd: And I suppose I've ever been offered the chance to surrender. Keep firing!

Stevie: Are you... coming over... Saturday?
Malcolm: For what?
Dabney: For what?
Lloyd: The Leonid meteor shower!
Dabney: Only once in a lifetime that the meteor Leonid reveal their full beauty before bedtime!
Malcolm: I wish I could, guys but Francis is coming home this weekend. And, since he missed Halloween last week, we're going to hang out together.
Dabney: Are you sure? Because Stevie has a new telescope, and I was thinking that after the meteor shower, we could watch Mrs. Feldman shower. [raises eyebrows]
Lloyd: And you call yourself a scientist.

Lois: It's been a week, sweetie. Take off the costume.
Dewey: But I like it.
Lois: It's filthy. Come here. [takes Dewey's bed sheet] Go put some clothes on, sweetie.

Malcolm: [to camera] Halloween sucked this year without Francis.
Reese: The eggs and shaving cream I can keep. But what am I ever going to do with this stuff? [throws toilet paper in the trash]
Malcolm: [to camera] It was supposed to be our first Halloween as mindless vandals, but Francis got in trouble at school, so we had to go trick-or-treating like a bunch of little kids.
[flashback:]
Man: Oh, look at you three. What are you?
Malcolm: A beat-up hillbilly.
Man: And you?
Reese: Just give us the candy.
Man: I bet you're a ghost.
Dewey: I'm a marshmallow.
Man: Oh, and a cute one at that. I just want to stick a fork in your belly and roast you over an open flame till you're nice and crispy.
[present:]
Malcolm: It's embarrassing at our age... coming home with candy? Give me that. [eats licorice]

Hal: This guy is a menace. Now, I've tried to get him on my own, but the truth is... it's not a job for one man. It is a community problem. And all we have to do is work together. If we all keep an eye out for this guy, I think we should be able to catch him pretty quickly.
Man: Why don't you clean up your yard?
Hal: What?
Woman #1: Why don't you just move?
Hal: Look, this isn't about me.
Man: These meetings are always about you. You are the sole reason we meet!
Woman #2: Those kids of yours should be in jail. How would you like if you scrimped and saved all your life to live in a nice neighborhood and then a bunch of Godless monsters moved in and destroyed all your dreams! [applause]
Hal: Okay, back to the subject that I'd pass around a sign-up sheet for a stake-out. [the man scrunches the paper up and throws it at Hal] Well... Thanks for your time.

Francis: Did you guys tear it up on Halloween?
Reese: Oh, yeah. We were out of control. Kids were running, people were screaming, babies were crying. We went trick-or-treating.
Malcolm: It just didn't feel right without you.
Dewey: I had fun.
Malcolm: Shut up, Dewey.

Francis: Okay, we got eggs, shaving cream, water balloons... I don't know I'm just not feeling it.
Reese: These eggs are pretty rotten.
Francis: Yeah I know, but it's all just so... standard. I mean, we have a whole new breed of weapon here. We need to live up to that. We need to start thinking outside the box.

Hal: So if you'll just spend a couple of hours waiting for him here, I know the guy will come racing by, and then you can arrest him and this whole thing will be over once and for all. I want some help protecting my family.
Police Officer: So you weren't held up at gunpoint?
Hal: ... Okay, that was a lie. But I've been calling you people for weeks and not getting any help. No one is listening to me.
Police Officer: This your speed bump?

Francis: Let's go through this one more time. Malcolm? What's your job?
Malcolm: Aimer.
Francis: Reese?
Malcolm: Loader.
Francis: Dewey, what do you do if you see Mom and Dad come in?
Dewey: [screams]
Francis: Excellent.