Hal Quotes Page 2 of 56
Quote from Humilithon
Francis: [on the phone] Dad, listen, I know I owe you guys a lot of money and I want to start paying you back. So I'm sending you $50 this month, and then my plan is...
Hal: What do you need $50 for?
Francis: No, I'm sending you $50.
Hal: Francis, I can't spare $50.
Francis: No, I'm sending you the money-
Lois: Just give him the $50. We have to go.
Hal: All right, your mother says it's okay, but we have to go. [hangs up]
Quote from Malcolm Holds His Tongue
Hal: "...and everyone but the rabbit lived happily ever after." And the moral of that fable, son, is that turtles are pathological liars who won't give you their gold.
Dewey: Got it.
[Hal is mesmerized as he sees a power walking team pass through the park]
Dewey: Dad?
Hal: It's like watching the gods return to Olympus.
Quote from Reese Comes Home: Part 3
Hal: It doesn't have to be tuna surprise. It can be chicken surprise, or beef, but there will be a surprise involved.
Quote from Motivational Speaker
Hal: A motivation seminar. For the whole weekend! Can you believe this? Like I need motivation.
Lois: And they just told you about it today?
Hal: They claim it was in some "memo" they sent me three months ago. So now, suddenly my job includes weekend seminars and memo-reading.
Lois: Can they really force you to go?
Hal: Lois, they can make you do anything. Once you sign up for a job in this country, you give away the whole kit and kaboodle. Our weekends, our house, our kids... we don't own any of it.
Lois: Okay, everybody, dinner.
Hal: This is all just an exercise to remind the little man who's boss. They're just trying to motivate me to keep me in my place, to kill any dreams I might have of ever digging my way out... Oh, my God, it starts at 9:00?
Quote from Malcolm's Money
Hal: Honey, you are looking at this all wrong. We will pay him back. We are like a bank. And banks don't give you back the same exact money that you gave them. They use it, and then pay you back with different money later on. It's what makes our economy the envy of the world.
Lois: I don't know. It just seems wrong.
Hal: Look at it as a forced savings plan. We're actually doing him a favor. Lois, I can honestly say that I was not a good father to Malcolm until I forged his signature on that check.
Lois: And we're going to pay him back, right?
Hal: Absolutely. Every cent we spend. Plus interest. With no hidden handling fees. [Hal flashes the cash]
Lois: Okay.
Hal: Good. Honey, we have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of here. Okay, you go back into the house. I'll follow in 30 seconds. Go on!
Quote from Lois Strikes Back
Malcolm: Dad, you've got to do something. Mom has been stalking those girls who humiliated Reese like some kind of vigilante.
Hal: What? Are you sure about this?
Malcolm: Yes. She's nailed two of them so far, and she just climbed out of the bathroom window to go get the third.
Hal: This sounds like a lot of supposition, Malcolm. I mean, it would be a different story if you had hard evidence or an eyewitness.
Malcolm: I saw her at school today. She was there when these butchered dolls' heads rolled out of one of the girls' lockers.
Hal: And what exactly do you mean when you say you were "there"?
Malcolm: Dad, stop it. Don't you care?
Hal: Of course, I care, but I think what we need right now is caution and prudence. A proactive wait-and-see... if you will.
Malcolm: So you're not going to do anything?
Hal: Listen, when your mother gets like this, we need to vigilantly keep abreast of all the developments in a fully-engaged yet cautiously-detached...
Malcolm: Oh, forget it if you're not going to help me, then I'll just stop her myself, and you can stay here and play your ridiculous little game.
Hal: Good.
Quote from Cattle Court
Lois: And we can all thank Reese for the wonderful dinner he brought home from work.
Hal: Oh, way to go, son. And someday, all that toner I keep bringing home will come in handy, too.
Quote from Funeral
Lois: [to Dewey] What do you mean what happens when you die? You're dead. That's it.
Hal: Now, honey, that's not quite true. Actually, son, after death your body undergoes a fascinating series of changes. First, it bloats up like a balloon, then shrivels like a raisin. Then, tiny microbes you can't even see, but are on you right now, start to devour your flesh and return all the elements in your body back to the soil. Now, some people will tell you that your hair keeps growing, but that's that's a myth. It's actually your head that shrinks.
Lois: Now go get ready for Aunt Helen's funeral.
Quote from Hal's Friend
Hal: Boys, you see what I have? This is a movie I asked you to return three weeks ago.
Reese: What if we want to watch it again?
Hal: I found it in the dishwasher. 21 days times $2.99 a day, that's...
Malcolm: $62.79.
Hal: What?! What is it going to take for you boys to learn some responsibility? You can't just go through life letting things slide? Sooner or later, you are going to learn that- [lights go out] Is it the tenth already?
Quote from Cynthia's Back
Hal: Lois, I did it! I did it! I actually flew a kite! I can't believe I actually thought these were evil. I love this kite.
Lois: Why don't you kiss it?
Hal: Oh, for God's sake! Are you still obsessing about that?
Lois: I want a straight answer out of you.
Hal: Lois, I swear from the moment I laid eyes on you, you were the only woman for me.
Lois: So you mean to tell me that unlike all any other man alive, you don't even have a glancing interest for other women? You and you alone stand outside the dictates of millions of years of evolution!
Hal: Why is that so hard for you to believe?
Lois: Because I look at other men! Not seriously. I would never do anything about it, but, God, Hal, I notice! And if you don't, it means that... it means that you love me more than I love you.
Hal: Well, honey, that's always been true. Of course I love you more.
Lois: And you're OK with that?
Hal: Oh, yeah. I mean, think about it, if you loved me as much as I love you, we'd never leave the bedroom! Nothing would get done. We'd die of starvation.
Lois: [chuckles] I love you! [they hug]
Hal: Not as much as I love you.