Lois: Hal... is this a midlife crisis?
Hal: I don't know what it is. I- I- It- I just know that I had to do something.
Lois: And what is it exactly you plan on doing?
Hal: What I have always talked about doing... A thing that has been in my head for years.
Lois: The painting?
Hal: Yes, I- I- I can see it so clearly. Every line, every streak, every daub. The blazing crimson flushes, the vivid blue tones.
Lois: The almost subliminal tinges of tangerine. Yes, Hal, I have heard this before, but...
Hal: Lois, I got to get this out of my head.
Lois: Do you know how crazy this is?
Hal: Yeah.
Lois: You were going to save the painting until retirement, when it's okay to be insane. Hal, I was really looking forward to that old painter guy puttering around the house with a little old spot of paint on his cheek.
Hal: I'm sorry, baby, I just, I just can't wait anymore. Maybe I can be the old gardener guy.
Lois: Okay.
Hal: Yes? Really? Yes?
Lois: This is important to you, and up until about five minutes ago you were a very good husband and father. You deserve this.
Hal: Oh, thank you. You deserve something really great. I really wish I could buy it for you, but I'm going to be digging pretty deep into the savings for art supplies. [kisses Lois] Thank you.

Craig: Congratulations, people. You have all passed the rigorous Lucky Aide inventory screening process. You should be proud. This is a great crew. We've done a few trust games, some stretches. Now we're ready for battle. As I already explained, corporate has us pitted against the downtown store. First one to finish inventory gets a plaque and a hundred... A plaque. [Francis raises his hand] Yes, a question.
Francis: Yes, which household product will kill me fastest?
Craig: We're going to start you off counting the cotton swabs.
Randall: Bleach... or oven cleaner or Rat Grenade. Rat Grenade's good.

Dabney: So, Malcolm, word on the street is your father wigged out at work.
Malcolm: What?
Lloyd: Did he really set his desk on fire and dance around it?
Eraserhead: I heard it was a lovers' quarrel with the cleaning lady.
Malcolm: That's crazy. Where are you guys hearing all this stuff?
[Stevie pushes his wheelchair a little faster]

Craig: Red alert! Everyone gather 'round. People, my sources tell me that downtown found some Rain Man-type human calculator at a homeless shelter. Now, I hear he's prone to tantrums, but we can't count on that.
So I'm going to need everyone to work late tonight. Oh, Francis? The loose candy bin count looks a bit hinky to me. I want you to double-check the malt balls.
Francis: [quietly] Should I start with the 40 in your belly?
Craig: I heard that. And I'm paying for those.

Hal: What's the matter, son?
Dewey: A girl at school called me "Ewey Dewey."
Hal: This is the same girl who puts paste in your hair all the time, isn't it? [Dewey nods] Well, you know, she's just doing this because she likes you. It's her way of getting your attention.
Dewey: So she doesn't think I'm ewey?
Hal: No, of course not.
Lois: He's right.
Reese: Hey, Dad?
Hal: Hmm.
Reese: I have a little situation that maybe you can help me out with. There's this girl who's...
Hal: I suggest that you leave her alone before she calls the police on you.
Reese: Okay, thanks.

Malcolm: I really appreciate your letting me take this vocational exam. I know it's generally for older kids. I just felt like I really needed some help. I don't want to make a wrong decision. Well... did you get the test results?
Mr. Young: Oh, yes.
Malcolm: What did they say I should do?
Mr. Young: Well... according to this... absolutely anything you want.
Malcolm: What?
Mr. Young: Yeah, you-you scored equally excellent in all areas.
According to this test, there isn't a career on the planet you wouldn't be great at. Congratulations.
Malcolm: Well, that... that doesn't exactly clarify anything. I-I was kind of hoping...
Mr. Young: You know, kid, there are a lot of people who would kill to have both "professional golfer" and "neurosurgeon" on their test results.
Malcolm: Yeah, but that doesn't help me. I mean, how am I supposed to decide if I don't have any parameters at all?
Mr. Young: Well, boo-hoo for you, Mr. Unlimited Potential. Let me wipe my tears for you on my plastic briefcase.
Malcolm: Does the test at least say what I might like?
Mr. Young: Aside from exposing middle-aged underachievers for the failures they are? Nope.
Malcolm: Can I take the test again?
Mr. Young: Uh... no. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to catch a bus or I'll be late for my night job. Unless, of course, you'd like that, too.

Francis: Dad, what are you doing up? It's, like, 5:30 in the morning.
Hal: Ooh, wow. Really? 5:30? Yeah, I should be getting to bed. What are you doing up?
Francis: I'm going to work. Maybe you remember it.
Hal: Oh, hey, Francis, can I borrow 20 bucks? I need to buy some more paint.
Francis: What? You just bought, like, six cans of paint yesterday. What happened to that?
Hal: I used it. Man, what are you grilling me for?
Francis: How can you use six cans of paint in one day?
Hal: Francis, please, I really need it. I'm so close. It's almost right.
Francis: Do you have any idea how hard I have to work to make $20?
Hal: All right. All right! I didn't ask for a lecture.
[While Francis gets food out of the fridge, Hal takes money out of his wallet]

Randall: Well, I say we just make up the rest of the numbers and go home.
Francis: Wait a minute, go home?
Randall: Weren't you listening? We lost.
Francis: I just spent my entire spring break counting flip-flops and Vagisil. You're saying that was all for nothing?
Janic: Yes.
Francis: Do you know how many parties I missed this week? How many spring break debaucheries I could've been at? How many drunken sorority girls ripped their tops off without me there to yell encouragement? You can't tell me that was for nothing! We can't quit! Come on, guys. We took on a challenge. I'm staying until this is done the right way. Who's with me? Why aren't you translating?
Janic: There's no point, but please go on.
Francis: That's it.
Janic: Ah.
Randall: Okay, see you.

Hal: Fine! You want them to see me finish it, I'll finish it. I'll put a little bit here, huh? How about there? How about there?! And... Oh... oh... And... here... And...
Reese: Awesome!
Hal: I don't believe it. That's it. That's what was in my head.
Francis: [enters] I've had it! Everyone at that place are a bunch of slacker, lazy... [looks at painting] Oh, wow... Wow!
Lois: Hal, I am so proud of you.
Hal: I did it. I really did it.
Reese: What's that sound?
Malcolm: I don't know. It sounds like...
Hal: Look out! Paint-alanche! [screams]
Lois: Hal!
Hal: [muffled] I'm okay! I'm okay!

Malcolm: [to camera] You know, all this made me realize, why plan for my future when it's just going to end up with a giant wall of paint crashing down on me? I'm just going to enjoy being a kid for a while. There's a lot of good things about being a kid. [Reese punches Malcolm] Ow!
Reese: That's for stepping on my side of the room.
Malcolm: [to camera] No pressures, no responsibilities.
Lois: Malcolm, how many times do I have to tell you to make up your bed? You are going to make up all of our beds for a month starting now.
Malcolm: [to camera] I think I'm smart enough to know when I got it good.