Francis: Well?
Piama: My family's still worse. My mom faked stomach cancer so she wouldn't get custody.
Francis: There's time.

[Lois opens the door to a man holding a pizza box]
Lois: Yes?
Man: Is this 1233-
Ida: Go ahead. This is her.
Man: You've been served.
Ida: What are you waiting for, a tip? Get out of here!
Lois: You're suing us?
Piama: [to Francis] Okay, you win.

Hal: You're suing us?!
Lois: Hal, keep it down. The boys are in the house.
Ida: Don't be so dramatic. I am suing insurance company.
Hal: Our insurance company!
Ida: You don't think I have a case? You don't think I have pain? That I have suffered? For years, I have suffered in silence.
Francis: Useless, miserable, money-grubbing old hag!
Ida: Keep talking tough, boy. I sue you, too.
Lois: All right, everybody just calm down. Mother, please, think about what you're doing. You are suing your own child.
Ida: I don't want to talk about it anymore. Let the lawyers handle it.
Lois: Lawyer?! We don't have a lawyer.
Ida: Well, you better get one.

Hal: She can't get away with this! I've had it! I'm going to toss her out on her cage.
Lois: Hal, we can't do that. She's my mother. [sighs] My twisted, horrible monster of a mother.
Francis: Why don't we just kill the old hag?
Lois: Oh, just stop it right now. And nobody tells the boys about any of this.
Hal: You mean about killing her?
Lois: No, Hal. About the lawsuit.

Lois: Oh. I think I'm going to be sick.
Hal: I know. I feel the same way.
Lois: No, I really think I'm going to throw up.
[cut to:]
Doctor: Well, I think I figured out why you're feeling so lousy, Lois. You're pregnant.
[Hal and Lois are momentarily speechless]
Lois: Pregnant?
Doctor: Congratulations. [laughs] This is the best part of my job. Seeing the looks on people's faces when I give them the good news.
[Hal and Lois feign smiles]
Hal: This is... fantastic.
Lois: Thank you so much, Doctor. Now, you're 100% sure? Because it would be terrible if you were somehow wrong. Like, maybe my chart got mixed up with someone else's?
Doctor: No. It's your chart. I promise.
Hal: Could you just make our happiness complete and- and- and check again?
Lois: Yes. Take as much blood as you need. Just be certain. We wouldn't want you to take our dream away.
Doctor: Relax. I am absolutely sure. Congratulations.

Hal: Oh, my God, this is awful!
Lois: [sobs] This can't be right. This must be some sort of mistake.
Hal: What are we going to do?
Lois: I don't know. We can't afford the children we have!
Hal: If this baby is half as bad as our least bad one, we're still ruined.
Lois: Oh, this has got to be some kind of cruel joke!
Hal: Terrible. Just terrible. [whimpers] Are you as turned on as I am?
Lois: Hal!

[Francis, Piama, Malcolm, Dewey and Reese are sitting on the couch watching The Flintstones]
Ida: [o.s.] I'm done with my business. [nobody moves] You can't fool me. I know you're out there.
Francis: [sighs] Okay, whose turn is it?
Piama: She's not my grandma.
Francis: Okay, I'm thinking of a number.
Malcolm: Wait a minute. You're just writing down the number so you can't be the one.
Francis: One. That's it. You're up.
Dewey: Enjoy.
Reese: Go ahead, Malcolm.
Malcolm: This is so unfair! I don't even live here.
Ida: [o.s.] The longer you wait, the worse it'll be!
Malcolm: I hate you all.

Lois: Mom, we need to talk. Um... we just got some interesting news from the doctor.
Hal: Yes. It's, uh, very good news. Well, kind of good news. It's extreme news.
Lois: I'm pregnant.
Ida: You're joking.
Lois: Believe me, we were as surprised as as you are. Um, you know, we're already stretched to the limit financially. And, obviously, another baby is going to make things even harder for us.
Hal: Yeah, so in light of that and the burden it's going to put on us, don't you think that certain actions should be reexamined?
Ida: Yes. Yes, of course. You should settle.
Hal: What?!
Lois: Mom!
Ida: It's for your own good. If you can't keep your legs closed for 20 minutes, at least take good advice when you hear it.

Malcolm: [to camera] Sleeping is the only thing that makes my life worthwhile. I can dream I'm somewhere decent.
Francis: Hey, Malcolm, we need to borrow the tent for about an hour.
Piama: Two hours.
Malcolm: What? Why?
Francis: None of your business. We just need it.
Malcolm: No. It's bad enough I've been kicked out of the house. Now you want to take away the one place I have with just the tiniest piece of privacy? Forget it. Find your- [Francis punches Malcolm's arm] Ow!
Francis: Thanks, really.
Malcolm: I hope you're happy. Forcing your own brother out into the night in his underwear.
Francis: [grabs Malcolm's blanket] We're going to need that.

Malcolm: [to camera] [coughing, sputtering] Okay, I'm really getting sick of this. Nobody should know a beetle tastes better than a june bug.