TV Quotes

Reese: What is this childish need you have to defy my authority?
Malcolm: Bite me.
Reese: Just when I was starting to feel confident in my abilities.
Lois: Malcolm, I am sick of you always putting your brother down. This is Reese's project, and you are going to be supportive.
Hal: [on tape] And if the government doesn't have a car that runs on water, then what are they building all those dams for?
Lois: Now, Reese is in charge of this garage sale, and you are going to obey him. No matter what he asks you to do, you are going to do it.
Malcolm: But he's-
Lois: Malcolm, you can either let him be in charge of you for the garage sale, or you can let him be in charge of you every day for the rest of your life.

Hal: [on radio] Someone is looking down at you from a satellite with his finger on the death beam, and somewhere, someone is watching him. But who's watching that... [signal fades]
[Hal pulls over and marks his location on a map to show where the radio signal is strong. As he drives off again, a police siren pulls up behind him and wails its siren]
Hal: [gasps] Oh, no! Oh, no.
Police Officer: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?
Hal: Certainly not for operating an illegal pirate radio station. I mean, even if I did have the equipment in college, I wouldn't have kept it and be using it today. What's with all these questions, anyway? Do you have a warrant?!
Police Officer: You ran a stop sign a half mile back.
Hal: What? There's no stop sign back there.
Police Officer: It's at the driveway to the country club. They just put it up.

Francis: Gretchen, what are you doing?
Gretchen: I was just going through some Of Rutger's things from when he was a boy. [whinnies] [laughs] Boy, I don't remember that he was so fat. [gasps] Schlupi!
Francis: Who's Schlupi?
Gretchen: [holds sock puppet] Otto and Rutger used to love Schlupi. Otto would put Schlupi on, and Rutger would laugh and laugh. It was almost like a little brother to him. [laughs] Schlupi could say all of the things that Otto couldn't. Like, "Go to bed." And "Behave yourself." And "Take your finger out of there, it's disgusting!" [laughs] Oh, the love in that house. And now it's gone.
Francis: Gretchen, I hate seeing you so upset. You've got to talk to Otto about this.
Gretchen: There is no getting through to him. He won't even admit that anything is wrong.
Otto: [crying] Oh! Oh... Oh... [sings] Oklahoma Where the wind comes sweeping down the plain And the waving wheat

Malcolm: So you have the money, right?
Craig: Yes. It cost me three Little Lulus And a Captain Picard plate. I hope you're happy.
Malcolm: I'll go get the computer. You memorize this script.

Dewey: That's my piggy bank! That was in my room!
Reese: Relax, dipwad. I got two bucks for it.
Dewey: It had $16 in it!
Reese: Wah-wah. Spilt milk.

Dewey: Mom, stupid Reese just did the stupidest thing to my-
Lois: You're as bad as Malcolm. I don't want to hear any more complaining out of you for the rest of the day, understood? Now, go! Help your brother.
Dewey: [scoffs]
Woman: Excuse me, do you have a microwave for sale?
Dewey: No, we- Well, actually, yes. Yes, we do. Follow me.

Craig: Excuse me, Malcolm, it's me, Craig. What's that you're holding in your hands?
Malcolm: You mean this thing that I've been trying to save? That Reese has insisted all along was mere junk?
Craig: Mere junk? Why, your brother couldn't be more wrong, nor you more right. Please allow me to buy it from you for the princely sum of-
Hal: Come with me.
Malcolm: Dad, what are you doing? Craig, get back here! Mom.
Reese: What are you doing with that? I ordered you to throw this away!
Malcolm: Let go of it, you idiot!

Francis: Gretchen is freaking out. The guests are leaving in droves. And Muffy wants her stall back. You have to stop this.
Otto: There is nothing to stop, because there's nothing wrong. Now go away.
Francis: Look, if there's one thing I'm an expert at, it's pointless family conflict. And if Rutger is anything like me, you're going to have to make the first move. That means you're going to have to deal with your feelings.
Otto: I can't. [cries]
Francis: I know you can't. That's why I want you to do something for me.
Otto: Hmm?
Francis: Look at your wedding ring.
Otto: Hmm? [Francis puts a sock puppet on Otto's hand] Oh. Schlupi?
Francis: Yes, Schlupi. I think it's about time he weighed in on all this.
Otto: I guess I was a little disappointed when Rutger wouldn't come. And then when the letters came, it was so painful. I couldn't bear it. I love him so much, Francis. And I swore that I would never do that to my son, and now look! [crying] Rutger is such a wonderful boy. He's so sensitive. He's-he's so bright...
Francis: I'm going to get Schlupi a phone.

Hal: [groans] I'll tell you one thing. Twenty years ago, I would have cleared that fence. And the open manhole.

Lois: Oh, God. How could I have been so wrong about Reese? Hal, just say it again, please. I really need to hear it.
Hal: Okay, okay. Reese is hopeless.
Lois: Thank you.