Malcolm: [to camera] Mom is coming home a week early from Aunt Susan's. We did all right with her gone, but we still have a couple things to take care of before she gets back.
Hal: Move it, move it. Now, remember, boys, if you see the bobcat, don't be a hero. Stand on a chair and use your whistle.
Dewey: Get out of here, Foamy! Go home!

Hal: Honey, I-I know it doesn't look like much, but this is just the beginning stages of a major expansion. I have conceptual drawings here. Look, look. See how it continues onto my hand? It was going to be something really nice for you and the baby with a window seat, and- Please just promise you won't get mad and leave again!
Lois: Hal, I'm just so glad to be home!
Hal: Oh.
Lois: Ugh, my sister is the most obnoxious, sanctimonious know-it-all I've ever met. She spent every minute of my visit telling me everything I've ever done wrong in my life. It was just awful.
Hal: Tell me about it. Dating her was the worst five years of my life.

Lois: Well, you know why she's like that, don't you? My parents. Susan was always the pretty one, Susan was the smart one, Susan was the one with all the talent. I was the one that couldn't do anything right. Hal, it got me thinking about Reese.
Hal: As if you weren't feeling bad enough.
Lois: No, Hal, I don't think that we give Reese enough credit. I think that if we gave Reese a little more responsibility, he would rise to the challenge. Now, I'm not talking about giving him a key to the house, or anything. I just think some encouragement would do him good.
Hal: Okay. [birds chirping] Ooh. Honey, come here. The eggs have hatched.

Hal: So, it's going to cost at least $800 to close up the wall.
Lois: Well, I suppose I can go back to work at the drugstore.
Hal: Really?
Lois: Yeah. [stands up] I'm sure I can stand on my feet for eight hours a day. And if you fall, the amniotic fluid provides a great cushion.
Hal: We'll think of something.

Malcolm: Hey, there's tons of stuff we don't use in the garage. Why don't we just put it out on the front lawn and see if we can sell it?
Reese: You mean like a garage sale?
Lois: That's a terrific idea, Reese. Don't you think that's a great idea, Hal?
Malcolm: Actually, I was the one-
Lois: And you know what? You can be in charge. You can organize the stuff, you can set the prices, you can pick the date.
Reese: Why? I didn't do anything.
Lois: Reese, this isn't a punishment. This is us demonstrating our faith in you, because I know you are going to do a great job. We believe in you. Don't we, Hal?
Hal: For God's sakes, he's my son. I mean, I love him.
Lois: Just answer the question, Hal.
Hal: Who wants juice?
Reese: I do!

Gretchen: You mustn't talk about your family like that, Francis. There is nothing more important than- It's a letter from our son, Rutger! We must hide this immediately.
Francis: Why do you have to hide a letter from your son?
[Otto grabs the envelope and lights it on fire]
Gretchen: Otto, no!
Francis: What are you doing?
Otto: Nothing, because this did not happen. Nothing happened. Except for me telling you that nothing happened. That happened, but only that. Things will begin to happen again, starting now! Oh, look, the mail came. Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Lois: Soon as the swelling in my ankles goes down, I'm going to get right back to work with you boys.
Hal: Thank you, honey.
Lois: No matter what it does to the baby.

Hal: [on radio] He said he'd return. He couldn't be silenced. Kid Charlemagne is back on the air.

Reese: Where were you this afternoon? I instructed you to separate the twist ties according to length. He's been like this all day.
Malcolm: I was doing homework.
Reese: No homework takes more than 20 minutes.

Reese: Dewey, what are you doing? A tennis ball doesn't go with the football. It goes with the ceramic bananas.
Dewey: This is stupid. Why are we sorting everything by color?
Reese: Because I say so. And because alphabetical order was slowing us down.
Dewey: Us?