Francis: Where you going?
Piama: I told you, I'm posing in Otto's art class tonight.
Francis: Posing? As in naked?
Piama: Yes. We had this conversation.
Francis: No, we haven't. I remember conversations with the word "naked" in them. You can't strip in front of Otto.
Piama: I'm not spinning my tassels on a runway, Francis. I'm modeling at an art class. It's a job. They pay $250.
Otto: Piama, I want to make sure I have the right pastels. What color are your nipples?
Piama: It's all very tasteful, which is beside the point, because, guess what, it's my body, so you can't tell me what to do with it. If you're not mature enough to handle this, then that's your problem.
Francis: $250?!
[cut to Francis posing naked in Otto's art class:]
Otto: Everything I knew about beauty was a lie.

Lois: [answers phone] Hello.
Dewey: [on payphone] Hi, Mom. Tell the baby I got the stupid pail of sand, but now the buses have stopped running so I can't get home.
Lois: Dewey?! Where are you?!
Dewey: I don't know exactly. Somewhere down by the pier.
Lois: You're at the pier?!
Hal: Where?
Lois: Dewey, listen to me. You stay right where you are. We're coming to get you right now.
Dewey: Okay, but bring another pair of socks. I stepped in fish guts. Ew.

Malcolm: So, uh, is this all you do every day? Just hang out in the park and play chess with strangers?
Leonard: No. I also enjoy long walks on the beach and bubble baths. Of course, I'd have to say my greatest turn-on is honesty.
Malcolm: So basically, the only human contact you have Is playing chess with people who can't stand you?
Leonard: I hate to burst your little after-school-special bubble, but I'm not some kind of loser. I have a perfect life. I have a great job selling toner over the phone. I make a few calls... Bing, bang, bing, it's 10:00. I've got the rest of the day to myself.
Malcolm: You can't possibly make enough money doing that.
Leonard: Well, I thought you were a little smarter than that, Malcolm. It's not about money. It's about freedom. I am my own man. I do what I want, when I want. I don't answer to anyone for anything, ever. [chuckles]
George: Where's my 20 bucks, Leonard? You said you'd have it on Monday.
Leonard: Yeah, I have it, It's right here. I- You know, I was- I was looking for you. You know, I couldn't find you, and then I had some important business meetings that I had to get to, but here... 13, 14... Um, uh, you take cigarettes, right?
George: I quit.
Leonard: Oh, good for you. That's so good because, you know, these things will kill you slow. Th-That's the truth, you know, and [George shoves a chess piece up Leonard's nose] And the cost is... [to Malcolm] Give him six bucks! [George walks away] Take it easy, George. What a dumbass!

Leonard: You're really improving, Rubio. You've stopped making the "vroom" noises When you move your pieces.
Malcolm: Hey, Leonard.
Leonard: Oh, you got to see this. Physically hurts, doesn't it?
Malcolm: Listen, I was talking to this guy I know. I got you a job interview.
Leonard: What the hell are you talking about?
Malcolm: You are a miserable person. You barely have a job, and you're completely dysfunctional when it comes to communicating with people.
Leonard: And that's my fault? It's not everyone else in the world?
Malcolm: It doesn't have to be like that. If you have a job where you're around people, you can get used to each other and maybe turn things around.
Leonard: Forget it. I'm not wasting my time on some stupid job interview because you have some desperate need to save yourself through me.
Malcolm: Why don't you invest some of that neurotic energy in confronting your own fear of failure?
Leonard: Oh, goodness, the clouds have parted, and I can now commit to a new life, thanks to your Oprah-esque psychological insights.
Malcolm: And now you're trying to invalidate the real issue by dancing around it with what you think is clever wordplay. Screw this. I'll play you for it.

Leonard: This is a terrible idea.
Malcolm: No, this is just what you need. Remember? A job, people, a life.
Leonard: But why here?
Malcolm: Because this is the only guy I know that would trade a job interview for a Hong Kong Phooey lunch box.
Craig: [enters] Greetings, Earthlings. [makes Spock salute]
Leonard: You've got to be kidding me.
Malcolm: Trust me, I know it's going to be hard, but if you can just keep your mouth shut for five minutes with this guy, you're home free.
Craig: I'm waiting, princess.

Leonard: My resume.
Craig: (chuckles) Forget this. [rips up resume] You can't learn anything from a resume. So, tell me about your employment history.
Leonard: Well, I...
Craig: Interesting. You know, I like to think of Lucky Aide as a kind of family, and in this family, I'd be your father, and as a father, there might be things I might ask of you that don't make sense, but you do it because I'm your father. No sassing back, just do it. Understand?
Leonard: [quietly] Think so.
Craig: Now, who are you in this family? Are you the second cousin? Or maybe the kooky aunt?
Leonard: Well, you know, I've always kind of seen myself in the role of the younger brother. Eager to learn.
Craig: I never had a brother.

Malcolm: [to camera] Craig's been yammering nonstop for almost an hour. He even made Leonard follow him into the bathroom, but Leonard's tough.
Craig: Now, let's talk about respect. Not self-respect but respect for one's superiors. Now I remember a time... [throws orange at Leonard] Think quick! [chuckles] That's just a little management test I came up with to see whether you're the type of person who confronts problems head-on or avoids them. Which one were you?
Leonard: [quietly] Both.
Craig: Good. [Leonard follows Craig's signal to pick up the orange] And I see that you have no spine. Welcome aboard. Come back in an hour, and we'll get you a trainee vest and a name tag.

Malcolm: Craig was pretty upset. He wouldn't come out of the photo booth for two hours. Where's Leonard? Has anyone seen Leonard?
Man: He told me to give this to you.
Malcolm: "Malcolm, I moved away, but I want to thank you for confirming everything I said about people being giant jackasses. One day you'll understand. People like us will never belong." What does he mean, "people like us"? [Stevie rolls away] What? I hate when you do that. If you have something to say, just say it. That is so annoying.

Hal: Bran cereal? Why are you eating that stuff? You said it tastes like kitty litter.
Lois: I'm eating it because I have to stop gaining weight. I've turned into a gigantic, fat cow.
Hal: Oh, you have not.
Lois: Even the doctor said so.
[Hal gets a carton of whipping cream out of the refrigerator]
Hal: Oh, that's ridiculous. You're eating for two now. What kind of doctor doesn't know that?
Lois: Hal, he's right. I'm huge! And I don't understand how it's happening.
Hal: Well, I think you're beautiful no matter what.
[As Hal hugs Lois, he pours the whipping cream onto Lois's cereal]
Lois: Oh, thank you, honey. You're so sweet.

Lois: So this morning, Dewey tried to go to school in his underwear because apparently the baby doesn't like his wardrobe. The kid is driving me up the wall, and I keep gaining weight like crazy. More than a pound a day. Nobody gains a pound a day. It doesn't make any sense.
[Hal funnels sugar into a carton of orange juice]
Hal: Ah, I know, honey. It is baffling, but look, you've just got to stop obsessing about this weight thing. Let me pour you some juice.
Lois: I don't want any juice, Hal. I know what's going on.
Hal: You do?
Lois: Of course I do. I'm not an idiot.
Hal: I-I'm sorry. It's just-
Lois: It's because I'm not working.
Hal: Huh?
Lois: It's obvious, Hal. I'm not getting the exercise I got with the other pregnancies. With the other kids, I was on my feet all day.
Hal: Th-That makes perfect sense. Celery stick?
Lois: My system must be so screwed up. This celery tastes exactly like bacon.
Hal: Honey, listen to me. Don't make yourself crazy over a few pounds. You look amazing to me. [Lois walks away] No matter how big and round and jiggly you get.