Francis: Otto, what?
Otto: I have seen it, Francis! The devil cow! It had eyes like burning embers and breath from the bowels of hell! Oh, it was horrible.
Francis: More horrible than this?
Otto: We must leave this place. Burn it down. Start over. Yeah.
Francis: No, enough is enough. We're not running away from a cow.
Otto: We're not?
Francis: No. We're not. [cocks gun] From now on, I'm lactose intolerant.

Lois: Okay, Dewey, here's your costume. Now, your father and I will see you at the show this afternoon.
Dewey: I'm going to throw up. What if I forget my part? What if something flies out of my nose like it did at show and tell?
Lois: Dewey, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. When you're up on that stage, all you have to do is look out in the front row. Your father and I will be sitting there, and you just look me in the eyes and you'll know that everything's going to be all right, okay? Okay. And if you still feel like throwing up, use the hat.

Hal: Craig, I can't thank you enough. That was fantastic! You were so heroic.
Craig: I like to think we all have a little bit of Aquaman right here.
Hal: Well, I must say, you really know your stuff. I'm impressed.
Craig: Well, you know if you're interested, there is a convention next Saturday.
Hal: I have a life, Craig.

Malcolm: It ends here, Reese! I don't care about the money! I don't care about my birthday! I don't care about your safety or mine! I don't care about anything except making you suffer!
Reese: Well, I don't care either!
Malcolm: Fine! Let's see who cares the least the most!
Man: [over P.A.] Okay, you just lost two weeks arcade privileges.
Malcolm: [to camera] This is a game of chicken Reese is not going to win! I'm too angry to blink! When he sees my face, he's going to know he doesn't have a chance!
Reese: [sings] He's off and flying as he guns the car around the track He's jamming down the pedal like he's never coming back Adventure's waiting just ahead...
Malcolm: [to camera] He'll stop. I know he'll stop. Maybe this wasn't such a good- [crash]

Malcolm: Thanks for getting me grounded on my birthday.
Reese: Oh, boo-hoo, I was grounded on my birthday.
Malcolm: I was just standing up for myself. There is such a thing as justice, you know!
Reese: Well, there is such a thing as "shut up!"
Lois: Stop it. Malcolm, do you remember what you did for your birthday last year?
Malcolm: Nothing. I was grounded then, too.
Lois: And what about your birthday?
Reese: You grounded me after I smashed Malcolm's face into the cake.
Lois: And your birthday before that?
Malcolm: Pretty much this.
Reese: Wait. When did you push me off the pony?
Lois: Do you realize that neither of you has had a birthday party in his entire life? Don't you think that's sad? Every chance you have had for a little happiness, a little something special, you threw it away. At some point, this has to stop. Is revenge ever worth it? Is it worth it now? Do you feel happy? There's no reason to compete with each other. We love you both the same. There are no favorites in this family.
Hal: Where is Dewey?

Otto: Oof! Oh no, please, please, no! [sobbing] No!
Francis: All right, Bessie, you've been causing a lot of trouble, and it stops now. [holds up milking stool] You are going to be milked. There you go. You been up in those mountains so long all engorged, no wonder you were so angry. You're not evil at all. You're just a lady with a little too much milk. [cow moos]

Dewey: Well, this new game is good, but it doesn't quite buy me off. You still didn't come to my play.
Hal: Well, how would you like Malcolm's comic book, hmm?
Dewey: I'm starting to get over it. Happy birthday, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Wake up.
Reese: What do you want?
Malcolm: I just want to let you know you're not getting last licks.
Reese: Huh?
Malcolm: I'm sick of you always having an edge just 'cause you're an idiot and I'm smart and understand about consequences. I can be just as vicious and shortsighted as you.
Reese: Oh, yeah. I'm really scared. Why don't you just?
[Reese screams as struggles to get his arm off his forehead]
Reese: What did you do?
Malcolm: [holds super glue] I sunk to your level. And I have to say it feels good.
Reese: Ow. Ow. Ow. [screams]

Lois: How did comic book shopping go?
Hal: Bad. I'm just out of my depth. Look, we both hoped it wouldn't come to this, but you know what we have to do.
Lois: Hal, we promised ourselves we wouldn't.
Hal: What other choice do we have?

Malcolm: Reese totally had that coming.
Stevie: I'm not... arguing.
Malcolm: Seriously, humiliation is the only thing that jerk understands.
Stevie: Fine.
Malcolm: Why are you taking his side?! Ooh, a birthday card. Five dollars Canadian. Pretty good for Grandma. So, I'll have the rest of my birthday money on Saturday, so I can give you the 300 bucks for the computer when... [opens book] "Dear Malcolm, ha-ha. Now I win. Your friend, Reese." [Malcolm runs out]
Stevie: They'll try you... as an adult!