Hope: This is censorship!
Stevie: Call... the ACLU... and sue... their ass.

Otto: You are terrible! You have completely wasted four entire days of waltz lessons. It makes me sick to look at you.
Francis: Otto, this isn't helping. Every time you punch yourself, we lose hours of valuable practice time. You just... you got to relax.
Otto: How can I relax when Gretchen is depending on me? You do not learn by relaxing. You learn by violently assaulting your problem until it surrenders its mysteries to you!
Francis: I just feel like you're psyching yourself out. Why don't you take five and clear your head?
Otto: You take five. I shall study the videotape of our previous lessons. I will correct the problems in my technique.
[video of Otto repeatedly injuring Francis as they dance together]
Otto: Mm-hmm, perhaps more weight on my left instep.

Hal: I didn't know what to say. I don't do anything for fun.
Lois: Don't tell me you just stood there for ten minutes with your mouth hanging open?
Hal: She wasn't even listening, Lois. She was too busy mentally stripping me and dressing me in leather.

Malcolm: I didn't even start this. But everybody's fighting me so hard, it makes me think I can't just back down. You always said there are principles you can't ever give up, no matter what people do to you. And I'm as surprised as anyone, but I think that's what I'm doing.
Lois: What's her name?
Malcolm: Who?
Lois: The girl you're trying to impress. Hope she's cute.
Malcolm: This isn't about a girl.
Reese: A girl wrote the dirty story.
Hal: Oh, son, you want to be careful. A girl who writes dirty stories sounds a little advanced for you.
Malcolm: That's not what this is about. Ronnie's a lesbian.
Lois: Well, maybe she wouldn't be a lesbian if you tucked in your shirt once in awhile.
Malcolm: I'm just trying to help her. She doesn't deserve this. She went to all the trouble to express something in a way that's actually good, and now she's being silenced by a bunch of stupid, arbitrary people for stupid, arbitrary reasons. And I think that's just wrong.
Hal: Son, you don't want to come on that strong. That might be what turned her gay in the first place.

Hal: Hello, there, Nell. Your eyes are very pretty.
Nell: Really? You like my eyes?
Hal: No! I was just told to say that. I'm sure you're very pretty, but I don't find you even remotely attractive. I'm only flirting with you because my wife is making me!
Nell: Wait a minute. I was flirting with you, and the first thing you did was tell your wife?
Hal: I tell her everything.
Nell: And she told you to flirt back with me?
Hal: Yeah.
Nell: Just out of curiosity, how far was your wife willing to take this?
Hal: [sobs] She wouldn't tell me.
Nell: Hal, it's okay. Calm down. Now, the first thing you need to know is, I'm not going to fire you.
Hal: You're not?
Nell: No. I was going to, but then Grossman and Ball got indicted, and you're the only one left in the department.
Hal: Oh.
Nell: I'm really glad it worked out this way for you, Hal.
Hal: Thank you. Thank you. Lois will be so relieved.
Nell: Well... [wipes lipstick on Hal's collar] we don't want her to be too relieved.

Malcolm: What are you doing?
Reese: [holding potted plant] Hopefully messing Dewey up for life.
Malcolm: Nice.
Reese: Oh, my God.
Malcolm: He did it. You never even put a seed in his hand.
Reese: It's like a miracle. The kid actually did it. This makes it so much funnier. [puts the plant in Dewey's hand]

Hope: Ronnie and I have written stories that we want to submit. We demand that you embrace our vibrant female voices.
Ronnie: So you better print them, okay?
Malcolm: Okay. You got it.
Hope: You are going to read them first, aren't you?
Malcolm: Yeah, okay.

Malcolm: Oh, my God. It's been so long, I didn't think it was possible. This story is, uh... is... What's the word?
Stevie: Good?
Malcolm: Yes! Ronnie, your story is fantastic! I love the ending!
Hope: What about mine?
Malcolm: "The Frog Who Was Too Good for the World"? It's crap.
Hope: Well, maybe it was over your head.
Malcolm: The frog is you, the snake is your dad, and the moon is the dope you like on the football team.
Hope: Lewis is not a dope.

Nell: Hal, right?
Hal: Yes!
Nell: Nell. We took an extra trip around the revolving doors together this morning.
Hal: Well, yeah...
Nell: Looks like you're the only one here who doesn't run away from me.
Hal: Well, you can't run forever, eh? [both chuckle]
Nell: Look, I know this whole situation is awkward, but I'm going to do my best to make everyone here feel respected.
Hal: Thank you, Nell.
Nell: Especially the ones with great-looking hands.

Gretchen: Oh, here you are, Francis.
Francis: What's this?
Gretchen: An invitation for you and Piama. Otto and I are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary!
Francis: You're kidding. That's great.
Otto: Oh, I wish I could chop you up in a million pieces so that I could share you with the rest of the world.
Gretchen: Oh, you are so romantic, my big Bavarian monkey face.