Lois: Karen told me you French-kissed her on New Year's Eve.
Hal: What? I did not! I can't believe it! You're actually accusing me of this?
Lois: Why would Karen lie?
Hal: Why would I lie? Lois, for the past 20 years yours has been the only tongue that's been in my mouth. Now you're just going to have to believe that. I don't lie!
Dewey: So are we going to fly kites tomorrow?
Hal: Sorry, son I have to testify at a murder trial. [Lois looks at Hal] But, darn it, you're my son and I want to go to the park with you!
Dewey: Thanks, Dad.
Hal: [whispers to Lois] Kids don't count.

Cynthia: I can't believe you guys threw fridge magnets at Dabney's back brace?
Malcolm: Come on, it was great. He was walking around all day with "Florida is for Lovers" on his back.
Cynthia: [squeaky laugh]
Malcolm: That laugh is so not cute.
Cynthia: I'm sorry my laugh isn't as melodious as your cracking voice. [cracking] I'm Malcolm. I have all the answers but no-one will listen to me.
Malcolm: Oh, that's funny! [stupid laugh]

Reese: What a pig!
Malcolm: What?
Reese: She was never that great, but now, jeez, it's like she's trying to be ugly.
Malcolm: Shut up!
Reese: Someone should tell her she's not in Europea any more. In America, we take showers.
Malcolm: Drop it, Reese. She doesn't smell.
Reese: She dresses like a bag lady. Oh, oh, I know, her butt is gigantic and she's trying to hide it. This is so great! I have so much material for that. I have a wide-load sticker, and I can make the truck noise when she backs up. Beep, beep, beep!
Malcolm: Reese, when exactly is she gonna back up?
Reese: Right. Okay. When's her lunch period? I can sneak in and throw bacon at her. Then she'll back up. Beep, beep.
Malcolm: Look, moron, she's not hiding her butt, she's hiding her big boobs, okay?! So if you tease her you're just gonna look like a...
Reese: You are a good, good brother.
Malcolm: No I lied! Her butt is huge!

Malcolm: [to camera] I think it helped Cynthia to tell me what was bothering her. She's been in a much better mood at school. She even stuck her homework up on Dabney's back.

Francis: I have fasted, I have meditated, I got frostbite spending a night in the wilderness! I just want to know what to do. What am I missing? Oh, look, there's a wolf. What's that? Loyalty. Eagle. OK, insight... Insight... ANd the frog is bug-eating! What does that have to do with anything? Please just give me a sign or a signal, or something! [a man kicks the door down] Oh, my God!
Native American Man: Are you the dirtbag that took my pole?
Francis: Huh?
Native American Man: It's my pole. I want it back.
Francis: Oh, of course! I'm so sorry. Look, I didn't take it. Please, I'm going crazy. Can you tell me what it means?
Native American Man: Well, if I hit it, it means I'm five inches away from the back of my carport.
Francis: What, you use this as a wheel-stop? This beautiful, sacred thing?
Native American Man: Sacred? It's a decoration. You know, like a coat of arms or a storybook. It's a pretty chunk of wood that my kids helped me carve on a nice Saturday afternoon.
Francis: But you can't tell me you can't feel the energy!
Native American Man: You white boys are all the same. I've got dark skin, so I must dance with the bears and listen to the spirit of the wind. I got news for you - I work for a living. I'm a Baptist, and I'm proud of it.
Francis: Are you sure?
Native American Man: And by the way, I have only one word for snow... snow!

[Malcolm walks in on Reese and Cynthia kissing]
Malcolm: No, stop!
Cynthia: Malcolm!
Malcolm: Don't do this. He's not who you think he is. I didn't want to tell you, but the only reason Reese has shown any interest in you is because I told him you have big breasts.
Cynthia: What?!
Malcolm: It just happened. I'm really sorry. But he only wants you for your boobs!
Cynthia: Stop saying that!
Malcolm: He planned all this. I can prove it. He wrote it all down. This isn't it. Where's your real calendar?
Reese: That is my calendar. All the proceeds went to animal shelters.

Dewey: Dad, look how high my kite is!
Hal: Oh, that's great, son. That's terrific.
Dewey: You wanna try?
Hal: Uh, no.
Dewey: Why not?
Hal: I don't like kites.
Dewey: What do you mean you don't like kites?
Hal: I don't like kites and they don't like me. Dewey, we just don't get along.
Dewey: You'd like it if you tried it. Come on, just hold the string.
[Hal sighs heavily as he gets up, walks over to Dewey and takes the kite string. The moment he does, the kite crashes to the ground.]

Eric: Come on, Francis, it's Friday night. Can we please go out and get hammered?
Francis: Is getting drunk all you ever think about? I mean, look at us, we work like dogs all day, we drink, and then we work like hungover dogs.

Cynthia: No-one can know about this. You can't tell anyone.
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
Cynthia: Promise me!
Malcolm: But-
Cynthia: Promise!
Malcolm: All right, all right, I promise! Come on, you're fine. It's just a change on the outside. I mean, inside you're the same. If you give people a chance they'll see that.
Cynthia: Will you stop staring at them?
Malcolm: Am I staring?

Lois: Hal, it wouldn't be such a big deal if you would just admit it.
Hal: Come on, Lois, what possible reason would I have to kiss Karen?
Lois: You're a man!
Hal: What is that supposed to mean?
Lois: You have been with the same woman for 20 years. It's only natural to be a little... curious.
Hal: About what?
Lois: You mean to tell me after all these years of marriage, you've never so much as thought about another woman?
Hal: What are you talking about?
Lois: If you are just gonna be ridiculous, there's no point in carrying on this conversation. But you are on notice!