Dewey: [as a Southern belle] I agree, Mrs. Wiggins. These pastries are delightful.
Hal: Son, whatcha doing?
Dewey: I'm having a tea party with Mrs. Bear and the ladies.
Hal: Oh, that's... good.
Dewey: Care to join us?
Hal: Yeah, I have actually, a... Hey, you know what, why don't we go buy that stealth bomber model you've been asking for?
Dewey: OK.
Hal: OK. [exits]
Dewey: Sometimes it's just too easy.

Mr. Herkabe: How are we doing, gentlemen? Everyone sticking to the experiment?
Kevin: Absolutely. Right on track, sir.
Mr. Herkabe: I know how tempting it is... to stray from a rigidly defined protocol. It's the siren's song of pure research but you must resist her seductive powers because...
All: Unstable compounds require stable minds. [walks off]
Stevie: Jackass.
Kevin: It's like he's talking to children. [puts a colorful liquid in the beaker]
[cut to:]
Kevin: It was a perfectly legitimate variation. There was less than a 48% chance this would happen.
Mr. Herkabe: Well, your cavalier disregard for the laws of the classroom, not to mention the laws of nature, have led to the inevitable. It will now take weeks to decontaminate that classroom. And during that time, you will all be placed back into the general population. [all gasp]
Dabney: We can't do that. The whole school hates us. They'll destroy us without realizing their rage is a projection of their own insecurities.
Mr. Herkabe: And as for me, I've been offered a temporary position in the phys ed department where I will get to wear a whistle... and dress in shorts! Of course, I'm sure none of this will be reflected in your grades.

Lois: Those dominoes are keeping Dewey from driving my crazy! And if they get knocked over, I will blame you. If a door slams shut and knocks them over, I will blame you. If there is an earthquake, I will blame you. If a condor dies in flight and crashes through our roof and knocks them over, I will blame you!
Reese: But that's not fair.
Lois: I will blame you!

Mr. Herkabe: What is with the self-pity?! Albert Einstein had to carry spare pants until he was 24 and did he cry about it? No. He drew on that experience and helped build the first nuclear bomb. Now buck up and get in the van.

Lloyd: Look at this handwriting, the girlish swirls. This is no old lady. It's Dabney.

Francis: What's going on? Why did you spend all of that money?!
Piama: Hey, you were the one talking about about easing the suffering of our people. Well, I suffered a little less today.
Francis: You don't just go and spend a bunch of money and not say anything.
Piama: What's the problem? It's all in the tribe, right?
Francis: That's what this is about? What am I overstepping my bounds because I'm white?
Piama: No, but it's... It feels weird.
Francis: Look, we're married. That means I'm part of your family and culture just like you're a part of mine. Believe me, if I had anything in my heritage besides crappy mini vans and non-stop screaming, I'd share it with you.

Malcolm: No, stop! This has gone too far. Look what you've been reduced to! We all used to hate this school equally! We hated the teachers! We hated the administration! We hated the building! But now you've taken that perfectly good hate and turned it against each other! And why? Because people dress differently or talk differently?! You're just making school even worse! Dabney was a Krelboyne two weeks ago, and now he's a jock! That proves that these differences are meaningless. We need to focus on what makes us the same, because if we hate each other, who's gonna hate school?

Lloyd: Hey, you guys want to camp out in front of PC World tonight? The new Norton anti-virus comes out tomorrow.
Kevin: Your mom would let you?
Lloyd: She's holding my place right now!
Malcolm: Are you serious? What's the big deal?
Dabney: Sorry, Malcolm, but we have a life outside this place.

Lois: Dewey, don't play connect the dots with your chickenpox. You'll get an infection.
Dewey: I'm bored!
Lois: I know, sweetie. It's no fun being sick.
Dewey: I'm bored! I'm itchy! I'm bored!
Lois: Honey, remember we were gonna use our not-horrible voice?
Dewey: I'm bored!
Lois: Well, then find something to do! Here. [hands Dewey a box of dominos] Play with these.
Dewey: I don't wanna.
Lois: Dewey, you are going to be contagious for the next six days. Do you want to spend them here, like a good little boy, or in the hospital?
Dewey: You don't go to the hospital for chick- OK.

Francis: I'm going to tear the whole porch down and I'm going to build another one.
Piama: Good luck getting permission from the tribal council.
Francis: What?
Piama: This part of the house is on tribal land, from the window all the way to the wolf picture.
Francis: What are you talking about?
Piama: The whole house used to be on the reservation, but my idiot grandfather built it on a glacier. It's been moving two inches a year ever since. In 100 years, we'll have a nice view of the lake.
Francis: Wow. So, part of this house is on an Indian reservation?
[cut to Francis and Piama hosting a casino in part of their house:]
Francis: Dealer has 20.