‘Christmas’
Season 3, Episode 7 - Aired December 16, 2001
Lois is fed up with the boys misbehaving every Christmas so she takes away all the toys and decorations and will only return them on Christmas day if the boys behave. Meanwhile, Francis visits his grandmother, Ida (Cloris Leachman), in Canada.
Quote from Lois
Lois: Boys!
Reese: Dewey asked us to do it!
Lois: What is wrong with you?! [tries to yank stocking off Dewey's head] The tree is barely in the door and already you're starting- [cuts the top of the stocking off and lowers it over Dewey's face] I can't leave you alone for a second without you trying to kill each other! This is supposed to be a happy time!
Malcolm: [to camera] I dunno what it is, but Mom freaks out every Christmas.
Quote from Lois
Hal: You cancelled Christmas?!
Lois: I'm not cancelling Christmas, I'm holding it hostage. I know, it seems harsh but nothing else has ever worked. Every year we yell , we threaten, we bargain and beg... Maybe this time they'll behave. We're in this together. I'm playing the unity card.
Hal: But-
Lois: The unity card, Hal!
Hal: But I love Christmas!
Lois: I know you do, dear.
Hal: Well, isn't there anything that trumps the unity card?
Lois: Hal?
[Hal turns off his light-up Reindeer sweater]
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: Please pass the syrup, please. Thank you.
Reese: You are very welcome.
Lois: More coffee?
Hal: Please.
Malcolm: I'll get it for you, Mom!
Lois: That's OK.
Malcolm: Then I hope you'll let us wash the dishes.
Reese: We'd love to.
Dewey: Absolutely.
Lois: Now, that I'll take you up on.
Malcolm: [to camera] I think we can do this. It's Christmas Eve and we've behaved for 10 hours. OK, 8 were asleep, but still, we can do another 24, right?
Quote from Hal
Hal: Who wants the last waffle?
Malcolm: I do!
Reese: I do!
Dewey: I do!
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, no!
Dewey: You know, I would really like that waffle.
Reese: Yes, but I am a growing boy. Perhaps it would be best if I had the waffle.
[Dewey and Reese start reaching their hands out to grab the waffle. Before either of them reaches it, Hal grabs the waffle and eats it himself.]
Hal: [mouth full] Thanks for offering it to me, boys. They are such good boys.
Quote from Reese
Reese: God, this feels so right!
Dewey: This is way better than real Christmas!
Malcolm: Remember, mess 'em up just enough so Mom can't return them. Wait a minute. Mom got me the exact video game I asked for.
Dewey: These are better than what I asked for.
Malcolm: You know what? Mom got me everything I wanted.
Dewey: Me, too.
Malcolm: She listened to us.
Reese: OK, so she got lucky a few times. I never asked for a stupid globe!
Malcolm: That's mine. The cleats are yours.
Reese: Oh.
Malcolm: Mom really tried this year. All she wanted was a nice Christmas. And we ruined it.
Reese: In all fairness, we ruin everything.
Quote from Malcolm
Dewey: Remember, how happy we were a minute ago. Can we go back?
Malcolm: I dunno. Do we have any paint left?
Dewey: No.
Malcolm: Oh, well.
[Malcolm stands in front of a spray-painted wall which features a drawing of Lois holding Santa's decapitated head with the speech bubble "Die, Fatman!"]
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: [to camera] This really is the best Christmas we've ever had! I dunno why we didn't try this whole denial thing a long time ago.