Ida: [hacking cough]
Francis: You're ruining smoking for me. You sound like you're dying.
Ida: You'd like that, wouldn't you?! Yeah, you can't wait to get my things.
Francis: Oh, yeah, Grandma. I've got big plans for these doilies. And I really want that can of peaches that's been on your shelf for thirty years.
Ida: Don't touch my peaches!

Lois: [on the phone] Just spend a couple of days with Grandma. You can leave right after Christmas.
Francis: I am not visiting that woman. She's evil and she hates me.
Lois: Francis, this is family. This is Grandma's first Christmas since Grandpa died and you live the closest. How can you be so selfish?
Francis: Well, did you invite her to your house?
Lois: ... She's knows she's always welcome.
Francis: Hey, maybe we'll both get on a bus and come down and surprise you.
Lois: Don't you threaten me! I am ending this discussion! You are going to Whitehorse. You are going to the drug store to buy her a gift. And you are both going to have a proper Christmas!

Francis: Hi, Grandma. For God sake's, it's colder in here. Don't you turn the heat on?
Ida: I'm not going to pay those pirates.
Francis: Of course not. Well, in the spirit of the season, let's begin this pathetic charade.
Ida: I never know what you're talking about. You talk like a jackass.

Hal: Honey, look, I know I'm not supposed to do this, but I saw something in the store today and I just had to get it for you. It's a little more than we agreed we would spend on each other but... hey, it's Christmas! We've got the whole rest of the year to follow the rules!
Lois: It's beautiful.
Hal: I mean, isn't that what the season is all about? You know, relaxing, enjoying things, making people happy.
Lois: Hal, that's so sweet and thoughtful. I hope I get to open it.
Hal: Rats!

Malcolm: Oh, God I will be so glad when Christmas is over!
Reese: Yeah, then we'll be safe for another year.
Dewey: Mom's doing this next Christmas?!
Reese: Why wouldn't she? It worked, didn't it?
Malcolm: And what if it's not just Christmas!
Reese: What do you mean?
Malcolm: What if she does it for other things, like Halloween or Fourth of July or our birthdays?!
Reese: She can't do this!
Dewey: I can't take any more!
Malcolm: We have to do something to stop her! Something drastic.
Reese: I'm in.
Malcolm: Mom needs to know she can't take occasions hostage. She needs to know that we don't negotiate! She turned a beautiful family holiday into a nightmare. It's time we show her the true spirit of Christmas.

Hal: Before you say anything, I don't want you to think of this as Christmas cider. It's a non-denominational winter cider.

Hal: Lois?
Lois: [sobs] I'm a terrible mother! I shouldn't be allowed to have children.
Hal: Sweetie.
Lois: I've ruined Christmas!
Hal: What do you mean? The boys are behaving like I never knew they could behave. I thought that's what you wanted.
Lois: Yeah, but I didn't want it like this. I wanted to take it back five minutes after I started grabbing those presents but I didn't know how! I'm a monster!
Hal: No, you're not a monster!
Lois: I am. I really am.
Hal: No, you're not a monster.
Lois: [shouts] Why don't you just admit I'm a monster?
Hal: Alright, maybe in this particular case, you're a monster.
Lois: I know!

Lois: Let the machine get it.
Hal: Come on! You know when you cry it makes me cry. You are a wonderful mother. And you're a wonderful person.
Francis: [on answerphone] "Hey, Mom. It's Francis. I just wanted to let you know I am disgusted with the way you treat Grandma! Abandoning a helpless old woman at Christmas? I hope you're ashamed of yourself!"
Lois: I am. I am. Hal, the boys don't deserve this. I mean, they're a little high-spirited, but they're good, good boys!

Hal: Are you sure you wanna do this?
Lois: Yes! I don't know what I was thinking. Taking presents away from children?! What kind of a sick person does that?! Look, I just want to get everything out of the garage, set it up in the house and have a nice Christmas. You know what? Why don't we wake up the boys and have Christmas tonight? I can't wait to see the look on their sweet little faces.
[Lois and Hal walk into the shed and find the boys with their unwrapped presents and grafiti'd wall]
Lois: Well, Hal, that was smart of you to wake up the boys so they could help us carry in the presents.
Hal: Yes, yes. Well, come- come on hurry up, boys.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Reese: Sure.
Dewey: OK.

[As Francis leaves Ida's house while she sleeps, she wakes up to the sound of the Christmas card playing "Jingle Bells". Ida walks down stairs and starts searching for the card.]
Ida: I'll cut off his hands and stick them in his kakushnik!
[After finding the card in the chimney and ripping it up, Ida sighs only to hear the song still playing somewhere else.]
Ida: You're a klebleck!