‘Charity’
Season 3, Episode 5 - Aired December 2, 2001
Lois makes the boys volunteer for charity work at the church. Meanwhile, Francis finally starts his job in Alaska, just not the one he was expecting.
Quote from Hal
Hal: All right, I'll be back in two hours. During which time I suggest you think about the horrible... thoughtless... whatever it is you did to deserve this punishment.
Malcolm: That's just it! We didn't do anything.
Reese: Mom said we needed to build character.
Hal: Your character, right? [Reese nods] Oh. Well, see that you do!
Quote from Francis
Francis: Where do you want me to dump this?
Lavernia: Don't dump that. You take that bucket, heat it up to 190 degrees, pour it through the hair trap and make gravy for dinner.
Francis: You're gonna re-use old filthy fat?!
Lavernia: Do you like havin' a job?
Quote from Lois
Lois: "And my job in Alaska is great. I'm making tons of money and friends. So your dire predictions of me being miserable and taken advantage of were, as always, dead wrong."
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: I don't want a horse. We all worked for this. I say we vote on what we get. Dewey?
Dewey: Can God see everything we do?
Malcolm: What?
Dewey: Mrs. Potts said God sees everything we do.
Reese: Yeah, Dewey. God can magically see through roofs.
Malcolm: What are you worried about? We're not doing anything wrong.
Dewey: Then how come we have money?
Malcolm: Well, uh, sometimes when you do good things, good things happen for you.
Reese: Satisfied?
Malcolm: I mean, think of it this way, Dewey, people are still getting what the things they need. And okay, we do have some money, but, uh, the church does, too, so no-one's really getting hurt an-
[When they hear a noise outside the door, Malcolm and Reese panic and cover up all the stolen goods.]
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: This is bad.
Reese: I say once we get the saddle, we should just quit.
Malcolm: We're not getting the saddle! This was a mistake from the beginning. I should've known something was wrong when you started making sense.
Reese: This is your fault! You're the one who's supposed to be smart enough to keep us out of trouble. And that's why you're going to hell.
Malcolm: We're all going to hell!
Hal: [enters] You guys seen the remote for- What's going on?
Malcolm: Dad, we've done something terrible. It might be the worst thing we've ever done.
Hal: Just calm down. Let's talk this through. It can't be that bad.
Quote from Francis
Lavernia: Neither one of you nimrods leave until that grill is spotless. And after you've done that, I want you to get that jar of poison and bait those rat traps.
Francis: That doesn't make any sense. Why do we need to poison them if we have traps?
Lavernia: Because I'll fire your ass! [exits]
Eric: Perfect. Nice job with the tape!
Francis: Thanks. Most people put the tape on too tight so you lose that nice clang. The best part is, everyone hates her so much, they'll never pin it on us!
Eric: God, look at this next to my name: emotionally dependent on pornography, loves nut clusters. How does she know I love nut clusters?! [the cage door shuts behind them] You took the tape off the door!
Francis: You dragged me to Alaska! [they fight] [they weep and hug]
Quote from Francis
Francis: More wine?
Eric: Please. So, how long is it gonna take us to work off all this stuff?
Francis: Well, this should put us into the 23rd century. Sesame cracker?
Eric: Huh. Don't mind if I do.
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: [to camera] I've been lying here thinking about God. I don't know much, just that he's this all powerful, all knowing being. Kinda like Mom, only invisible. So I feel better on his good side for a while. And you know what, we probably all spend a little too much of our lives focusing on material things.
Reese: What are you doing?
Dewey: [mouth full] Praying.
Reese: No you're not! He's got chocolate!
Malcolm: Get him.
Reese: Come on, give it!