Lois: Well, that's strange. For some reason, I'm taking a third less aspirin than usual.

Dewey: What are you doing?
Chad: We couldn't take it anymore. It's horrible without you.
Hansen: We're never going back.
Zoe: This is our new home.
Hansen: They'll never find us here. It's perfect. We took blankets, and we stole some food from a Dumpster outside some restaurant. We kept thinking, "What would Dewey do?"
All: Yeah.
Dewey: You thought I'd steal food from the trash, and tell 20 kids to run away and live in the trees forever? Well, maybe. But you can't stay up here. People are looking for you.

Malcolm: We don't have any choice. We have to neutralize him.
Reese: Yeah, but how?
Malcolm: Okay. We let him "overhear" something we're planning. Something way across town. We make it so juicy and horrible sounding, he won't be able to resist telling Mom. So she waits in the cold for three or four hours and, when nothing happens, he's lost all his credibility.
Reese: Nice.

[Malcolm and Reese get ready to put their plan into action when they see Dewey walk into the bathroom. As they lean against the door, Dewey sneaks some toilet paper out of the bathroom before Lois enters.]
Malcolm: Ready to go to the sewage-treatment plant and do some wanton vandalism?
Reese: Yes. I've got the shovels and the flares for the senseless destruction we've got planned. I sure hope Mom doesn't ever find out.
Malcolm: Don't worry about Mom, she's too stupid! And besides, she's probably busy stuffing her fat face.
Reese: I sure hope Mom doesn't ever find out you said that. By the way, do you think she's gotten stupider or fatter?
Malcolm: Good question. I'd say...
[cut to Malcolm and Reese with their heads in trash cans standing upside in the corner of the room]

Hal: All right, honey, I'm going to the park. Oh, I hate ab days. They keep pulling me in to judge. All I know is somebody's tummy is not gonna be as flat as somebody else's, and somebody's gonna end up crying.
Lois: Look at this, Hal. They still haven't found those kids.
Hal: You're kidding. This is terrible.
Lois: Where could they be? All those kids are such messes, they don't know how to take care of themselves. Someone has to help them.
Hal: Someone will help them, Lois. As a matter of fact, I think someone's gonna help the crap out of those kids.

Hansen: Okay, Dewey, our next pizza comes with a free collectable cup, so...
Dewey: This has to stop. I haven't slept in four days. You guys have to come down.
Chad: Why? It's going great.
Dewey: Going great? You guys are on milk cartons.
Boy: We're famous.
Dewey: This is serious now. Everyone's looking for you the cops, your parents... shiny giants in Speedos.

Mrs. Welsh: Well, I think the first thing we have to do is eliminate the things that get you over-excited. I think maybe your recess time might have been what put you over the edge.
Dewey: Wait. They didn't mean to get everyone so upset. They just wanted...
Mrs. Welsh: Thank you, Dewey. It's really not your concern anymore.
Dewey: [sighs] It was nice while it lasted. [screams] What do you mean, not my concern?! How come no one ever cares about any of my concerns?!
Lois: Dewey! What are you doing?
Dewey: [rips shirt off] I've got so many feelings running through my head, and I can't get any of them straight, and they're pounding and they're pounding, and I have to let them out!
Bodybuilder #1: That kid's got to do some work on his lats.
Lois: Dewey, knock it off! And stop drooling this instant!
Dewey: And the hands and the people! And the people and the hands! [bites Lois's leg]
Lois: He's really not like this. [Dewey's pants land on Lois as Dewey barks]
Mrs. Welsh: I think it might be best for everyone if Dewey goes back into the Special Needs class, just for a while...

Hal: Okay, men, quiet down. I have some important news I have to tell you. I... got a job. [silence] That means that I'll be going to work during the day. [silence] Which means I won't be coming to the park anymore.
All: Oh, no!
Bodybuilder #1: You can't go nowhere. We need you, Hal.
Bodybuilder #2: What are we gonna do without you?
Hal: I'm going to miss you, too. I mean, this past week has been one of the best of my life. And you'll be fine. I promise. Well, Eddie, look at you using that ATM like an old pro! I'd swear you've been doing it all your life. And you, Marcus. Who's taping Guiding Light and watching it with dinner? I know who! And the rest of you guys you're amazing... every one of you. Ah! Big, greasy goons.

Hal: Wow! You guys are huge! And shiny.
Bodybuilder #1: Thanks, mister. But we can always be huger. And shinier.
Hal: You out here all day?
Bodybuilder #1: As long as those disability checks keep coming.

Reese: Give me back the deodorant! I haven't done the upper half of my body yet!
Malcolm: No! This has to last us the whole month and you're wasting it!
Reese: I am not wasting it!
Malcolm: You used up two inches of it drawing stick people having sex on the bathroom mirror!