Reese: Having fun?
Beth: I guess.
Reese: I'm kind of surprised to see you here. I mean, you're too cool to have to go to a bowling party.
Beth: Well, I could say the same thing about you.
Reese: Hey, I've got a great joke. How would you like to take a walk on the beach, feel the salt spray in your face and the wind in your hair?
Beth: Sure. I guess.
[Reese takes a sip of his drink, spits it in Beth's face and ruffles her hair]
Reese: Looks like you already have! [laughs]
Beth: Ugh. What's the matter with you? You spit on me, you pig!
Reese: What? Don't you get it?

Dewey: Why can't I go bowling, too?
Lois: Because you are spending the night in your room. You are being punished. And tomorrow you are going to the store and buying Mrs. McNabb a new parakeet!
Dewey: Aw, Dad?
Hal: Don't look at me. As far as you boys are concerned, your mom and I are a united front.
Malcolm: We're ready. Who's going to drive us?
[split-screen:]
Lois: I'll do it.
Hal: I'll do it.
Lois: [to Dewey] You, to your room. March!
Hal: [to Dewey] Come on, son. Race you to your room.

[split-screen:]
Hal: Oh, boys, you are going to have so much fun.
Lois: One complaint about your behavior and I'll come down on you like a hammer.
Hal: Bowling strikes, picking up spares... And when you're getting ready to roll, the girls will be in back of you, checking out the old hinder. [chuckles]
Lois: This is one of the last places you haven't been banned from, so unless you want to spend your Saturday nights in the laundromat, you'd better behave.
Hal: Do I smell cologne? Very sophisticated. [chuckles] Is this Irving Street? I've never seen that church before. Let's see, we were supposed to take the second left after we went over the bridge, and then... Oh, geez, how's anybody supposed to find this place?

Hal: Gesundheit.
[As Hal bowls the ball, Malcolm falls out of the mechanism and lands on the pins. He groans as the bowling ball hits him in the back.]
Hal: That counts, right? [the screen reports a perfect score] 300. It has to count. [quietly] 3-0-0. 3-0-0. [no one joins in] 3-0... oh!

[As Malcolm and Reese lay on their beds, Malcolm is throwing a pencil up at the pock-marked ceiling]
Reese: [yawns] This sucks.
Malcolm: I know. I wish we were old enough to drive. Then we'd never be bored.
[elsewhere, Francis is doing the same at military-school:]
Francis: I wish I could get out on my own and make a bunch of money and start the party.
[elsewhere, Hal is doing the same as he stands by the photocopier at work:]
Hal: I wish I was a bird.

Hal: Ha-ha! See? Told you we'd find it. Now let's just get you set up with some shoes. Ooh! Pricey. Good thing I stole some cash from your mom's wallet this morning.

Lois: Go to sleep. I don't want to hear another peep out of you.
Dewey: It's not fair. I don't want to go to sleep early.
Lois: Fine. Feel free to lie awake all night.

Hal: Okay, go to sleep. I don't want to hear a peep out of you.
Dewey: It's not fair. I don't want to go to sleep early.
Hal: We're not debating this. I'm serious, Dewey. I don't want any trouble with you. That means no pleading, no whining, no crying.
[Hal walks away, turns the bedroom light off and begins to close the door. He opens it slightly:]
Hal: You do understand why we're doing this, don't you, son?
[Dewey smiles]

Hal: Yeah, just one game. Oh, can you put me down at the end? See, my kids are here with a bunch of friends, and, you know, some are girls. I don't want to cramp their style. That's just not me.

Lois: And another thing... the next person who swears is getting their parents called. You can count on it. I want to see a little daylight between you two. Let's go, Malcolm. You can do it. You're not going to throw another gutter ball this time.
Malcolm: Mom, just let me bowl.
Lois: Okay, okay.
[Malcolm throws a gutterball]
Lois: That's a good effort, Malcolm.