Dewey: All right, you all know the rules. You each get 30 seconds. Absolutely no weapons of any kind.
[The waiting boys drop bats and various weapons]
Dewey: All right, let me go see if he's ready. Reese, it's time to start. Here's our first secret, anonymous customer. [whispers] It's Bobby Marcovitch.
[Dewey walks over to the garage door, opens and instantly closes it, then walks back to Reese on the floor and starts kicking and punching]
Dewey: Not so hard! Don't hurt my brother! Okay, you, your time is up.
Reese: Hey!
Dewey: Reese, what are you doing up there? Who's this?
Reese: Some kid I found on the street. I don't know his name.
Chad: Chad.
Reese: Chad. Sorry, man. How could you hit me like that? You're my brother. And my partner. And you didn't pay!
[As Dewey backs away, he flicks the garage door switch with his back. As the door opens, Reese gets caught in the mechanism and is hanging there when the door opens to all the kids]
Bobby: Let's get him! [all cheer]

Ed: This is unprecedented. There's only one kielbasa left, and it's on Hal's plate. The title is his if he can finish it.
Crowd: [cheers] Hal! Hal! Hal! Hal!
[When the sausage slips out of Hal's greasy hand and goes flying into the air, Lois catches it on her fork]
Crowd: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois!
[After Lois puts the sausage in her mouth, she turns to Hal and they eat it Lady and the Tramp-style. After they have eaten the sausage together, they hug and kiss to the crowd's applause]
Ed: You know, you think you've imagined every possible ending... [sobs]

Police Officer: Is there a problem here?
Richard: It's all right, officer. We can handle it.
Malcolm: There was a robbery, and I helped.
Dottie: We're not pressing charges. We'd just like to forget about the whole thing.
Police Officer: Oh, you still have to come down to the station and fill out some forms.
Richard: You know, looking through the house, I don't think he got much. Just a bunch of junk from the garage.
Dottie: Yeah. It's pretty hard even to say what was taken.
Malcolm: I can tell you. I have a photographic memory. I can picture everything I put in the car.
Richard: How would it be if we just phoned you later?
Malcolm: There were nine boxes. 14 by 12 by 21. A computer and two high-definition color printers. A signature machine, an embossing machine, two bottles of solvent-based ink eradicator. Three reams of linen-textured cotton paper with fluorescent security fibers, which you could use to counterfeit money, but for that you wouldn't need an embossing machine, unless you were going to forge stock certificates. Oh, my God, you're criminals!
[cut to Richard and Dottie being put in a police car:]
Malcolm: And you know what the saddest part is? I used to care what you thought about me. [to camera] Actually, I still do care a little.

Lois: What's going on?
Police Officer: Sorry, folks, street's closed.
Hal: We live here. What is this?
Police Officer: You live here and you don't know? It's the annual block party.
Lois: Annual?
Police Officer: Every year for the last five years.

Hal: Oh, hey, Mort. What's going on?
Mort: Oh, Hal. You're back early.
Hal: What is all this? Why didn't we know about it?
Mort: Well, we came out this morning, the sun was shining, people started talking. It was a spur-of- the-moment thing.
Hal: The banner says "5th annual."
Mort: Huh.
Malcolm: You guys throw a block party every year when we go away?
Mort: You know, I'm not consulted about the scheduling. There's a whole committee that takes care of... Oh, but I'm boring you.

Malcolm: I'm just saying, kids should not be blamed for how terrible their parents are. I mean, if Saddam Hussein had a son... Well, maybe that's not the best example, but you know what I'm...

Dottie: And you just stood there while he robbed us?
Malcolm: I was walking past. He needed help.
Richard: You helped him?
Malcolm: He was sweating.
Richard: And you just believed him when he said that this was his house?
Malcolm: No! He didn't say that... exactly. I mean, it was implied. I have a lot on my mind.
Dottie: Oh, you are from that family in that house, aren't you?
Malcolm: Yes, but I'm not like them!
Dottie: Do you even realize what you've done?
Richard: What were you thinking?
Malcolm: [sobs] I just wanted somebody to like me.

Lois: A kielbasa eating contest?
Hal: I remember a certain pigtailed girl who could pack away a dozen king-sized.
Lois: That was a long time ago, Hal.
Hal: Oh, come on, Lois. A woman reaches her gastronomic peak at about just your age. I'll sign up with you. Unless... you're afraid I'll beat you.
Lois: Hal, you're good at a lot of things, but this is kielbasa. Let's go.

Dottie: Would you try and calm down, please?
Malcolm: [sobs] It's not just the neighborhood. It's the whole world. And the way people treat each other. I mean, why does it have to be like this? There's just so much hate.

Bobby: What about pulling Reese's hair?
Dewey: No, his head will be covered. Look, you're thinking too hard. Just let your hatred tell your body what to do.