Malcolm: This was worth way more than $45.
Dewey: You know, I have to agree. So tomorrow we'll go with Mom's earrings and something that shows off your figure.
Malcolm: No, I'm done with this. I'm not going to humiliate myself anymore for money that's rightfully mine.
Dewey: Then you'll never know how much you could have had.
Malcolm: Trust me, I really don't care.
Dewey: Not at all?
Malcolm: No.
Dewey: Not even to the nearest thousand?
Malcolm: Thousand?
Dewey: Nah, you're right. This is getting kind of boring. I'm sure I can find some other way to torment you.
Malcolm: No! No! This is working out great. Look, I'm even breaking out in hives. You don't want to throw that away. I got it. How about I go walking through the mall tomorrow wearing swim fins and goggles.
Dewey: We'll see.

Malcolm: [to Reese] Listen, I know we've had our differences, but I say this as a brother. You're not that great a catch. This girl might be the best shot you'll ever get. You need to suck it up and at least tell her how you feel. Otherwise, you might end up looking like an idiot. [holds up shell bra] Do we still have the skirt that goes with these?

Abby: I was looking for Reese.
Lois: Well, if the refrigerator door isn't open, he's probably not home.

Lois: That's a little high. I'm sorry. Did you just make a pass at me?
Abby: Ma'am, forgive me.
Lois: Oh, no, no, no, it's not that I'm not flattered, but I'm the mother of, like, five children. I've been married for 100 years. Why would you think...?
Abby: I was wrong, ma'am. I was way out of line.
Lois: Do I give off that kind of vibe? Because I would hate to think people are walking around with me giving them false hopes. Would it help if I changed my hair?
Abby: Ma'am, I really have to go.
Lois: Sure. Don't beat yourself up. I'm sure there are many women who find you very attractive.

Reese: So, you don't think I'm attractive? Not even a little?
Abby: Look, uh, maybe if you were the last person on earth, or we were trapped on a desert island, and you had surgery... Nope. You're still dog meat.
Reese: This is fantastic! We're buddies again! We're right back where we started! Wait a minute. But If I'm not the girl you're hung up on around here... Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Abby: Reese, it was just a stupid-
Reese: Big Gloria, the meter reader?
Abby: Yes. Yes. There was an awkward scene. It turns out she's taken, but that's not why I'm leaving. May not be seeing you for a while, Big Dog.
Reese: So, this really is it then?
Abby: You take care of yourself, Reese. You're a great guy, you know that?
Reese: You're more than that. You're the best friend I've ever had. [Abby kisses Reese on the cheek and then punches him] [groans] I'll miss you, too, buddy.