Abe Kenarban Quotes Page 2 of 5
Quote from Carnival
Abe: [answers car phone] Hello?
Francis: Hey, it's me. I talked to Richie. He has a couple ideas if you want to hear them.
Hal: Roger that, Francis. Over.
Francis: First off, he said the porno shop on Radford is having a parking lot sale. Oh, yeah, and the county fair is in town right now. [Lois and Hal sigh]
Abe: All right. [turns car around]
Lois: Of course, the fair.
[Abe turns the car around again]
Quote from Jury Duty
Abe: But the money was really being funneled to Mr Reyes's mistress and their love child. Once Moynihan found out, it was "Good night, Mr Reyes".
Hal: You've got nothing!
Abe: There were witnesses who saw him arguing with the victim. He can't account for his whereabouts when the murder occurred, and they found the murder weapon in his car! Means, motive and opportunity!
Hal: It's all a little too neat!
Abe: Because he's guilty!
Hal: My gut says he didn't do it!
Abe: Just saying so doesn't make it so!
Hal: Talk to this guy!
Abe: [yells at Hal's stomach] You're an idiot!
Quote from Baby: Part 1
Ida: Four pillows on one bed. This is why you can't feed your children. [choking gurgle]
Lois: Oh, hi, Mom. I'd like you to meet some of our friends. This is Brian and this is Abe.
Brian: Nice to meet you, ma'am. If you'll excuse me. I need to use your toilet.
Lois: I've been telling Abe all about you.
Abe: Welcome... to da hood... yo, yo. Gettin' all jiggly with it. Representin'. Uh... uh... Can't touch this.
Francis: Abe?
Abe: Huh?
Francis: [whispers] Chill.
Quote from Baby: Part 2
Abe: Well, is it a boy or a girl?
Trey: [o.s.] It's a beautiful, healthy baby... [siren blares]
All: Aw.
Abe: I knew it!
Quote from Polly in the Middle
Hal: So, Abe, how's the divorce going?
Abe: It's a nightmare, Hal. Kitty is out of control. She wears these outrageous miniskirts to court, flirts with the judge...
Hal: What did your lawyer do?
Abe: He asked me if she could sit at our table.
Hal: Whoa. You know, Abe, it's been a while. Maybe you should think about getting out there again.
Abe: Oh, I've taken care of that. I've decided to spend the rest of my life in misery and die alone.
Quote from Hal Grieves
Abe: Apparently, Shatner's not available. He's being knighted.
Lois: Well, thanks for trying, Abe.
Abe: Oh, it's not over yet. I am not going to rest until a classic TV star puts Hal's spirit at ease.
Quote from Houseboat
Lois: Oh, this is great. To just relax with adults. [Abe plays a word] "Suffocate". Good for you, Abe. [Kitty plays a word] "Cry baby."
Abe: I believe that's two words, dear.
Kitty: OK, then. Just "baby".
Quote from Goodbye Kitty
Hal: Stevie is certainly excited about his mother coming home tomorrow.
Abe: Kitty isn't on a business trip. She divorced me two months ago. She's never coming home.
Hal: What?
Abe: Kitty isn't on a business trip. She divorced me two months ago. She's never coming home.
Hal: What?
Abe: Kitty isn't on a business trip...
Hal: No, it's not that kind of "what." Stevie thinks she's coming back tomorrow.
Abe: I know I should have told him, but every time I'd look in his face... You know me, Hal. I've always had a hard time being... you know... direct. That was one of my problems with Kitty. That, and the utterly mechanical nature of our sex life.
Quote from Polly in the Middle
Abe: Oh, my God. That woman fell out of the sexy tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Hal: Abe, you dog. Why don't you ask her out?
Abe: Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't. To be honest, I didn't even ask Kitty out. My dad asked her dad, and we gave her family a ham.
Quote from Dinner Out
Abe: I swear, Hal, you said, "I feel flushed" five seconds before I was about to.
Hal: Oh, yeah?
Abe: Salud.
Hal: Look at us now. Two grown men having to sneak off from their wives just to have a drink. How sad.
Abe: Nah, no, no. It's really not like that with me and Kitty. Sure, I might let her think she's in charge, but when it comes down to the important stuff, Daddy rules the roost.
Hal: Oh, hi, Kitty.
Abe: Oh, oh, oh- [hides drink]
Hal: I got you! I did. [both laugh]
Abe: To being whipped.
Hal: Like butter, my friend.