Barney: Ted, the only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is 17 years, 11 months old.

Future Ted: [v.o.] When you meet someone special, suddenly life is full of firsts. The first kiss. The first night together. The first weekend together. For me, all those firsts happened within 48 hours of meeting Victoria.

Marshall: They've got to come out soon, it's Monday.
Lily: Do you think they've been in there the whole time? I don't know whether to be proud or concerned.
Marshall: Maybe they're not even in there.
[When the door Ted's room opens, Marshall and Lily run away]
Victoria: Good morning.
Ted: Hey, guys.
Victoria: I'm just going to ignore that.
Marshall: [o.s.] Thank you!

Marshall: Two days straight?!
Lily: Wow, your room must smell like a monkey cage!
Marshall: Come on, give us a number. Lily guessed eight, but I know my boy got to double digits.
Ted: Zero.
Both: What?
Ted: Guys, we just met. And we both screwed up relationships in the past by jumping in too quick, so we talked about it, and we decided to take this one slow.
Marshall: Her idea.
Ted: Totally her idea! But, I don't know, I'm really into this girl, and if going slow is what it takes to make this happen, I say bring it on.

Robin: Well, looks like it's going to be just you and me.
Barney: Really?
Robin: Actually, I was talking to my martini.

Barney: Not so fast, Scherbotsky. I like the way you think. That mirror thing. Simple. Elegant. Okay, limited-time offer: I need a "bro" for my bro-ings on about town. How would you like to be said bro?

Lily: I'm so glad we decided to just stay home.
Marshall: Oh, I know. Can you imagine if we'd gone? We'd be just getting there now, all tired and cranky.
Lily: And yet we'd feel obligated to have sex.
Marshall: Yeah, for 89 bucks a night, we're doing it. I would like to propose a toast. To the most awesomely mellow anniversary ever.

Barney: Father issues. Hot.
Robin: I know. I was this close to being a huge slut.
Barney: Slut would have been better, but I'll settle for bro. Especially now that Ted's with Victoria and can't drink. Because he's pregnant. Cause he's the girl.
Robin: Oh, come on, Ted can't be pregnant. You need to have sex to get pregnant.
Barney: What up! Freeze frame high five! [Barney and Robin high five and then hold it]

Victoria: I think this may be a perfect moment. I wish we could hold onto it forever.
Ted: No. Because the beauty of a moment is that it's fleeting. By its very nature, it slips through our fingers, making it that much more precious.
[meanwhile, in the bathroom:]
Lily: Ugh, that is bad. That is, like, high-school-literary-magazine bad.
Marshall: And they're not even high.
Lily: It's actually working.
Marshall: Yeah, smooth but slowly. God, close the deal, already. It's been, like, 45 minutes... we could have had sex three times by now.
Lily: Yeah, try five.
Marshall: What up! [Marshall and Lily high five]

Robin: So. What do you and Ted usually do after the cigar bar?
Barney: Are you kidding? Ted's never been here. You've already flown higher and faster than he ever did. Still...
Robin: What?
Barney: There is one other thing we could do. If you're up for it.
[cut to:]
Robin: Oh, I had no idea laser tag still existed!
Barney: Yeah, well, enjoy it before it becomes cool again. I give it two months.
Robin: Oh, I believe it. This is awesome!
Barney: Okay, follow my lead, stay low, and never underestimate a 12-year-old with a... Scherbotsky, you have to focus! You just saved my life, didn't you?
Robin: Thank me later. Let's keep moving. These little bastards are everywhere.