Robin: Lily, let it go. I didn't want to brag, but I think it's time to acknowledge that I was the ultimate teenage badass of this group.
Lily: You were a teen pop star in Canada. You sang songs about the mall.
Robin: Hey. There is a dark side to being a rocker on the road north of the 49th.
[flashback to Robin smoking in a hotel room filled with people when two Mounties arrive:]
Robin: Hey.
Mountie: We've received some noise complaints, eh? Can you please lower the music?
Robin: Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Sure. How aboot, uh, I lower the TV, too, yeah? [throws TV out of the window]
[present:]
Robin: Three hours later, I was arrested drunk, naked, and driving a Zamboni. Man, that DUI drove my insurance through the roof.

Clerk: Sorry, Ms. Aldrin, there's no rap sheet under your name.
Lily: Oh, y-you know what, it must be under my street tag: Number One Gunna.
Clerk: Nope. Sorry, Number One Gunna. Next!
Lily: Those jive-ass turkeys must've lost it.
Ted: Well, they're pretty swamped arresting 1970s pimps like yourself.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, this a story about the time your Uncle Marshall went before the New York State Judiciary Committee, a panel that would decide the fate of his career. He thought he'd open with an icebreaker.
Marshall: By the way, did I mention those robes really do you all... justice? I'm just saying that you're all guilty... of looking sharp.

Bailiff: Barney Stinson?
Barney: Well, if it isn't Warren Frankel. Bailiff Warren Frankel, who knows me.
Bailiff: You know, I almost didn't recognize you without handcuffs on.
Barney: Yeah, I've matured quite a bit since the old days. The only time I'm wearing handcuffs now is, uh, in the bedroom.
Bailiff: Bondage. I get it. Well, I have to run. Stay out of trouble.
Barney: [chuckles] Badass.

Robin: Okay, well, to be fair, I may have slightly exaggerated my badass story, too.
[flashback to Robin alone in her hotel room:]
Robin: Oh, sorry. Uh, no, thank you, housekeeping. I've already made my bed. And I only used one washcloth, so it's...
Man: Congratulations, Miss Sparkles. On behalf of the Manitoba Hotel and Curling Rink Association, we'd like to thank you for being the nicest, most well-behaved hotel guest ever.
Robin: Oh, yippee!
[present:]
Ted: What a loser!

Barney: It is super-weird between us, and I don't want it to be.
Robin: Me, neither.
Barney: So let me just say this. I'm done. You don't have to worry anymore.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I'm done trying to get you. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to figure it out, but I promise... I'm done making a fool of myself.
Robin: Barney, you haven't been making a fool out of yourself.
Barney: It's okay. It's okay. I want it to be okay. So here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna get us two drinks, come back and comment on the likely size and color of the nipples on that redhead at the bar, with the big, dark nipples. And you're gonna be grossed out, but you're gonna laugh a little anyway, and then you'll tell a funny story about "that bitch Patrice" at work, but neither one of us are gonna say, "Hey, how's it going?" or "Good to see you!" Because it really will be good to see you. Think we can swing that?
Robin: Yeah, I do.
Barney: Badass.
Robin: [smiles] Huh.

Judge #1: Mr. Eriksen, please. You're here to discuss your conduct in court during the week of November 19, 2012.
Marshall: Of course, Your Honor. [v.o.] It all started when a so-called friend from law school conned me into believing that he needed my help getting a job, when in reality, he stole my firm's strategy for our upcoming trial against Gruber Pharmaceuticals, who'd been polluting a lake upstate. Turns out, he was representing Gruber.
[flashback:]
Honeywell: Win this case or you're fired, Eriksen.
Marshall: [to Brad] How could you trick me like that? This is the biggest trial in my career.
Brad: Mine too, brobeans. When I win this trial, I'm gonna buy a new car. Thinking Lambo.
Marshall: Awesome. [high-fives Brad] I mean, no! What happened to you? You used to be, like, the nicest guy ever. We were bros. More than bros. We ate brunch together.
Brad: And I'll always cherish that. But after Kara broke my heart again for the millionth time, I said screw being nice, suited up and started lying to get what I want.
Marshall: That does happen. But you used to want to fight for the little guy.
Brad: Little guys pay with little checks. But you already know that. You're in environmental law. Marshall, you have a kid. How are you gonna provide for the little dude's futche?
Marshall: I'm worried about Planet Earth's futche! That's why I'm gonna kick your ass in this trial. Sure, you may have swiped our entire strategy for this case, but I still got some tricks up my sleeve that you know absolutely nothing about.
Brad: Really?
Marshall: No.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, Robin and Barney had recently shared an awkward moment. After that, they did what any two mature adults would do:
Barney: Hey!
Robin: Hey!
Barney: How are you?
Robin: Great. You?
Barney: Good, so good.
Robin: Oh, great. Good to see you!
Barney: You, too!
Future Ted: They pretended it never happened.

Ted: All right, guys, this is the biggest case of Marshall's career. That is why it's so great that we all called in sick to work tomorrow, so we could be in that courtroom to support him.
Robin: I didn't call in sick.
Ted: I called in for all of us. Uh, I have strep throat. Robin, bronchitis. Barney, massive hemorrhoids.
Barney: Why'd you have to say "massive"?
Ted: Well, if you're gonna miss work for hemorrhoids, they kind of have to be massive.
Barney: I don't want to sit in a courtroom all day.
Ted: I bet you don't want to sit anywhere with those hemorrhoids.
Barney: I don't have... Shut up.

Barney: Look, you guys wouldn't understand, but when you have a rap sheet as long as mine, the last place you want to spend a day is in court.
Lily: [scoffs] Rap sheet?
Barney: That's right. When I was a teenager, Lily, I was a total badass.
Lily: Pfft. You want to talk about teenage badasses? I was like John Gotti in a training bra. [Ted and Robin laugh] I'm serious. In high school, before I started dating Scooter, even he was afraid of me.