Barney: Hang on a second. "A half million dollar fine "any time Mr. Stinson can't 'rise to the occasion,' cue sad slide whistle sounds"?
Lily: [blows a slide whistle]
Arthur: Hey, what's this about a shock collar?
Robin: Ah, yes, we'll explain. Miss Garvey has many attractive friends who will come to visit.
[fantasy scene:]
Barney: May I offer you goat cheese puff pastries I made, mistress?
Quinn: As long as you can do it quietly.
[As Barney eyes up one of Quinn's friends, she presses a remote which sets off Barney's shock collar. He jerks around and falls to the ground]
[present:]
Barney: Wait, I'm confused. If it's not around my neck, then where's the shock collar? Oh, God.
Men: Oh, God.
Quinn: It's more of a shock ring, really.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, the summer of 2012 was the Summer of Love. Barney and Quinn, me and Victoria, Robin and Nick, Lily, Marshall and Marvin. Everyone was happy as can be. Which means there are absolutely no good stories. Let's skip ahead, to October 2012, the official kick-off of what came to be known as the Autumn of Breakups.

Future Ted: [v.o.] It all started when Barney got a little friendly advice from a coworker.
Arthur: Get a prenup, or I'll neuter you before she ever has a chance!
Barney: First of all, if you have an onion bagel, you don't need scallion cream cheese. [gagging] Secondly, Quinn is a great girl. I trust her.
Arthur: Oh, Darlene was a great girl. I trusted her. And then she took everything! My house, my car... my dog Tugboat. I even lost out with the kids. Full custody! I got full custody of those kids!
Barney: Your kids are horrible.
Arthur: The worst. Barney, I watched as Darlene cut everything good out of my life like a deranged surgeon hacking out organs, and that's not a metaphor. She got one of my kidneys. [musical horror sting] That's her ringtone. I have nothing left to give you, Darlene!

Quinn: Hey, you ready for lunch?
Barney: Hey, there she is. The future Mrs. Barney Stinson. You better enjoy signing your name "Quinn Garvey" while you still can, right? Like, I don't know... Here, here, here, initial here.
Quinn: What is this?
Barney: Oh, this is our prenup. Black or blue? Totally up to you.

Quinn: Are these rules for how I have to behave in our marriage?
Barney: Rules? Suggestions. Rich people and celebrities put stuff like this in their prenups all the time. And those are the marriages that last.
Quinn: I have to pay $2,000 every time I gain a pound?
Barney: Not every time. Just if it shows up at the weekly weigh-in.

[flashback:]
Quinn: "Miss Garvey must invent 12 new sexual positions per year, at least ten of which involve her doing all or most of the work."
[at MacLaren's:]
You definitely can't do that.
[back:]
Quinn: "Miss Garvey's breasts must be enhanced every five years or 50,000 honka-honkas, whichever comes first."
[MacLaren's:]
Ted: That's actually not bad.
Marshall: I'll allow it.

Quinn: "All hair below the neck must be removed weekly."
Barney: Hey, you're gonna be thanking me for that hair loss during the weigh-in.
Quinn: "Miss Garvey's parents may stay at our place as long as they like." Well, at least that one's nice. [Barney turns the page] "Provided they each arrive in an urn." "Wives two through eight will make a weekly chore wheel."
Arthur: I'm sorry, I borrowed a few sections from a prenup I did for a Saudi Arabian sultan. I'll cross out the extra wives stuff.
Barney: Unless...
Quinn: Cross it out.

Lily: My God! What the hell does Barney think marriage is going to be like, anyway?
[flashback:]
Barney: Just a healthy, modern-day marriage, based on mutual respect between two equals.
[fantasy:]
Quinn: Ready for your wake-up lap dance, Master?
Barney: Aren't you forgetting something?
Quinn: [gasps] Oh, my God, it's 9:00 a.m.
Barney: Legally mandated morning pillow fight time!
Women: [chant] Best husband ever. Best husband ever.

Nick: Hey, guys, what's up?
Ted: Oh, Quinn's pissed because Barney wants her to sign a crazy prenup.
Barney: But is it really crazy?
Both: Yes.
Nick: Well, I'm new to this but guessing yes.
Barney: Okay, look. Did I go a speck of sand, a fairy eyelash, a unicorn whisper too far? Perhaps. But can you tell me there's nothing in any of your relationships you'd want to change? No behavior you'd want to outlaw? No terms you'd want to renegotiate? Look me in the eye and tell me I'm crazy.
All: You're crazy.

Future Ted: [v.o.] And just like that, one of these four couples would break up the very next day. [dramatic music] Okay, it wasn't Lily and Marshall. One of these three couples would break up the very next day.