Barney: That baby got me 11 job offers.
Ted: No. No way.
Lily: Barney, that was ridiculous and insane.
Marshall: Insanulous.

Robin: I'm about to be deported. I'll try anything.
Barney: Okay, we better get started. There's a lot to shoot, and I don't think I can use any of the footage I already have of you.
Robin: What footage do you already have of me?
Barney: Let's just get started.

Lily: Oh, sweetie. Are you still upset about the dancer's hip jokes?
Marshall: No.
Lily: We were just kidding. We all know it's a basketball injury.
Marshall: Yeah, no. Totally. Lily, I have something I need to tell you.
Lily: What is it?
Marshall: I dance more than you know.
Lily: What?
Marshall: I dance... more than you know.
Lily: I don't know how to respond to that.

Robin: These costumes are ridiculous. Plus, the Amazon Warrior Princess armor gave me a rash.
Barney: Cards on the table... you weren't the first lady to wear that in here. But it conveyed power. And so will this. What I need you to do now... is break these 15 bricks with your forehead.
Robin: What?! But you didn't do a damn thing in your video. You just stood near a horse and sat on a motorcycle.
Barney: That's because I'm a man. You're a woman. The assumption is that you can't do anything. But you have to prove society wrong.
Robin: I can't break 15 bricks with my forehead.
Barney: Robin, it's not 1950 anymore. Yes, you can.

Ted: Hey, Marshall, I got you a light beer. I know how you dancers are always counting calories.
Marshall: It's not funny, all right? The doctor says if it gets any worse, I might need surgery.
Ted: Vaginal rejuvenation surgery?
Marshall: You know who didn't do a lot of operating on vaginas in college? Dr. X.
Ted: He did just fine!

Lily: You know what? Both of you geniuses need to take that weak-ass crap off your resumes. I mean, you are not Dr. X anymore, and you cannot dunk anymore. Let it go.
Ted: So Marshall and I are the only people at this table with "weak-ass crap" on their resumes?
Lily: What are you implying?
Marshall: Oh. Oh. Oh, wow. I don't know! Does the date July 4, 1995 mean anything to you?
Lily: You son of a bitch.
[flashback to Lily at the Carney Island Eatfest '95:]
Announcer: Time! And the new champion, with 29 hot dogs, Lily "The Belly" Aldrin.
[present:]
Ted: How is that relevant to teaching kindergarten?
Lily: It teaches kids that... I can eat a lot of hot dogs very quickly.

Barney: What happened?
Ted: Robin has to move back to Canada.
Barney: Oh, my God. How awful. I mean, for one thing it's gonna be a really long commute.
Robin: What do you mean?
Barney: I finished your video resume on my own. Messengered it to every station in the city. A guy from Channel Eight called. He loved you. He wanted you to come in and audition.
Robin: Oh, my God.
Barney: I told him no. Robin Scherbatsky doesn't audition. He gives you the job or nothing.
Robin: So I got the job?!
Barney: No, he cursed me out and hung up. But then Channel 12 called. They also loved you. They offered you a job hosting their new morning talk show.
Robin: Barney, that's amazing!
Barney: I told them to shove it.
Robin: Dude!
Barney: Which only made them want you more. So, they jacked up their offer by ten percent. Congratulations, Miss Scherbatsky. It looks like you're gonna have to stay.

Robin: How did you pull this off?
Barney: I am the master of the possimpible.
Robin: You really are. Thank you. [Robin hugs Barney]

[flashback to Ted in college in 1998 at midnight on a Monday:]
Ted: Why is no one coming to my happenings?