Robin: [on the phone] Do you know what that sound is, Ted? That's a red boot about to be savagely cut up by my pocketknife!
Ted: You mean my pocketknife. I lent it to you two years ago.

Ted: Hey. Sorry about the Hugh Hefner mix-up. But seriously, Jon Bon Jovi is downstairs.
Barney: You sure it isn't my landlady, Mrs. Takahashi?
Ted: I'm serious. The janitor just mopped the floor. Bon Jovi is literally standing next to a sign that says "Slippery When Wet."
Barney: Nuh-uh.
Ted: And I want those ornaments back.

Robin: What are you doing here, Lily?
Lily: I've been using Barney's apartment to pump milk for Marvin.
Robin: What?! Why?
Lily: Our apartment is so crowded these days, I don't get a minute to myself! I have a key to Barney's apartment, he has a kick-ass couch, and he DVR's all the Real Housewives shows, including the reunion specials.

Lily: What are you doing here?
Robin: I came to get The Playbook so I could show Patrice who Barney really is.
Lily: Why can't you just let them be happy?
Robin: Because they're not really happy, Lily!
Barney: [o.s.] Patrice, can you grab my computer from the bedroom? I want to change my Facebook status to "happy!"

Barney: Patrice, I have done some sleazy stuff to seduce women, but I want to be a better person. You make me want to be a better person.
Patrice: I can't be with a man who has a playbook.
Barney: I understand. [Barney puts the playbook in the bin and lights it on fire]
Patrice: Whoa.
Lily: Whoa!
Robin: Whoa!
Ted: Whoa! Is that my garbage can?!

Barney: I should go explain this to the super. Hey, come with. There's a small chance Jon Bon Jovi's down in the lobby.
Patrice: "You Give Love a Bad Name" is the first track on my "Get Psyched" mix!
Barney: Mine, too!

Lily: Okay, so tonight got weird.
Marshall: You have no idea. My mom's apparently ready to get back out there.
Lily: Marshall, she told me all about it, and I was happy to help.
Marshall: You helped?! Why?
Lily: I know it's hard to think of your mom as a woman with needs, but you have to let her get out there and rediscover her sexuality with someone special.
Marshall: Oh, you don't know.
Lily: No, uh, Marshall, I do know. You just think it's gross because it's your parent. But you know what? It's beautiful.
Marshall: My mom and your dad are humping.
Lily: [retches into Ted's mini-cooler]

Barney: I think you should be happy for them.
Marshall: What? Why? What is good about this?
Barney: Well, first of all, respect to Mickey. Your mom's a piece. She's no Ted's mom, but she's a piece. And secondly, I mean, it's nice that they found each other. Sometimes you fall for someone you'd never expect, but that doesn't make it wrong. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?

Robin: Barney's lost it. He needs an intervention.
All: Oh!
Lily: Robin, after everything we've seen, do you still think Barney's faking this?
Robin: No, but we have to stop it. Barney is not Barney anymore.
Ted: Well, people change.
Robin: But not this fast and this drastically. This is a cry for help, okay? If I was out of control, I would want you guys to help me. So, what do you say? Intervention?
Marshall: Intervention.
[later, when Robin arrives at the apartment, Ted, Marshall and Lily are standing beneath the "Intervention" sign:]
Robin: Oh, good. You're all here. Um, when Barney shows up, it's important for him not to feel ganged up on, so, let's start with, um, "We love you, and we're worried about you."
All: We love you, and we're worried about you.
Robin: Oh. Great. But you know, with less pity in your eyes.
Lily: Sweetie, sit down.
Robin: Uh, no. Only the person getting the intervention sits down.
All: Yeah.
Robin: Oh. Please tell me this is about my drinking. Damn it.