Robin: Okay, Barney is so not for real about Patrice. Today he did the craziest, most clearly staged for my benefit thing ever.
[flashback to the news studio:]
Barney: Hey, Patrice, you ready for lunch?
Patrice: Sure.
[present:]
Robin: [scoffs] Right, right? I mean, what's next, birthday gifts? Wake up, people, this is not an overcorrection, it's fraud, and we need to keep trying to stop this.

Robin: And that's why I need to steal The Playbook and show it to Patrice, so she'll believe me.
Marshall: Or you could do almost anything else and not sound so creepy.
Ted: Robin, seriously, this obsession isn't healthy. Just let it go.
Robin: [sighs] Maybe you guys are right. Thanks for talking some sense into me.
[cut to Robin drilling a wall in Barney's apartment with a drill that's "Property of Ted Mosby"]

Robin: David Lee Roth's autobiography? Crap. "To the best wingman ever. We'll always have Panama. Love, Diamond Dave."

Barney: [on the phone] Patrice, it's really nice of you to buy Robin a new purse, but it's not your fault that the other one got scratched. Anyway, just get yourself over here. I've got the tree, the decorations, and the know-how from Lethal Weapon 2 to pop that shoulder right back into place. Yep, there is not one reason to leave this apartment for even a second tonight.

Robin: [on the phone] Hey. How's my favorite architect? Other than incredibly handsome.
Ted: Hey, Mom.
Robin: No, it's Robin.
Ted: What do you need?
Robin: For reasons that aren't important, I'm trapped in Barney's closet. Help get me out, and I'll return your Weekend at Bernie's DVD.
Ted: No way, that's not enough to get me involved in your crazy mess.
Robin: I'll also go with you to the five-day fan convention in the desert.
Ted: You'll come with me to Bernie Man?
Robin: Yes, just hurry.

Judy: [over baby monitor] Ooh... someone's excited to see me. Who's Mama's big boy? Who is Mama's big boy?
Marshall: Wait.
Mickey: [over baby monitor] I am.
Marshall: Mickey?
Mickey: And I've been bad.
Marshall: Get off my mommy.

Ted: Hugh Hefner in your lobby right now.
Barney: I'm gonna grab my robe.

Ted: "Teddy's first Christmas"? Barney, are these my ornaments?
Barney: That could be anyone's baby handprint, Ted. Now, come on, Hef's old, but he moves like a cheetah.

Barney: How could you think that was Hef?
Ted: It was an honest mistake.
Barney: That guy was black, Ted.
Ted: I guess I just don't notice that kind of stuff.

Ted: Why are they at Barney's?
[flashback:]
Stuart: Hey, Barney. Just returning Ted's boots I borrowed for Halloween.
Barney: You were a cowboy?
Stuart: No, my wife was Wonder Woman. Can you believe Ted thinks a guy can get laid wearing these?
Barney: Challenge accepted.