Marshall: Why would you do that... with Mickey?
Ju:I've been lonely, Marshall, and all the men in St. Cloud's idea of romance is taking me ice fishing. That was me and your father's thing. Plus, call it an overcorrection, but it's kind of nice being with a sophisticated, big-city man.
Mickey: [belches] You know, I don't know what the big deal is. You've been bumping uglies with my daughter for years. The second I climb up on your mom, it's the end of the world?

Robin: [on the phone] How's my favorite architect? Other than well-endowed.
Ted: Mom?
Robin: No, it's Robin again. Look, you've got to come back in and get my purse.
Ted: Nope, I'm done. Bye, Robin.
Robin: Wait! What if I told you I was looking at your red cowboy boots right now?
Ted: Describe them.
Robin: They're red and they're cowboy boots.
Ted: That's them!

Marshall: No! I'm never coming out!
Mickey: You know, Marshall, you've been in there for a while now. And I couldn't help but notice you chugged that Super Big Gulp.
Marshall: It's not gonna work, Mickey. My bladder's as big as your betrayal!
Mickey: I see. So it's not gonna bother you to think about leaky faucets or open hydrants, or rushing rivers, or... Oh, God, I got to pee.

Barney: Yes, it is. These are all the tricks I used to get women to sleep with me.
Patrice: What do you mean, tricks?
Barney: Like... "The Two Can Play at That Game."
[title card: "The Two Can Play at That Game":]
Woman: Can I help you?
Barney: I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but... My wife is having an affair with your husband. I even found a list of every dirty way they've enjoyed each others' bodies. I wish there was some way we could get back at them.
Woman: There is. We can kill them. [laughs]
[Barney goes across the hall and knocks on another apartment:]
Barney: I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this...

Marshall: So, we, um... we just wanted to say that we're sorry for the way that we acted when we found out about you two.
Lily: Your happiness is what is most important, so, if you two want to date, it's okay by us.
Mickey: Who said anything about dating?
Judy: This is just about sex.
Mickey: We're family... with benefits.
[later, Lily and Marshall hold each other as they gip in the closet]

[Marshall, Lily, Robin and Ted are on their phones in a four-way split-screen:]
Marshall: Lily, I just saw the worst thing ever!
Lily: [whispering] Kind of busy right now, Marshall.
Robin: Quiet. He can hear you.
Marshall: Who's "he"?!
Ted: He's coming! Everyone shut up!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Okay, kids, you're probably wondering how we all got here.

Marshall: Oh, hey, buddy, can we borrow your air mattress? My mom's coming into town for a few days.
Ted: Absolutely not.
Lily: Bummer, I guess she can't stay with us. Hey, look, what I just found. A list of hotels and other creative housing options.
Marshall: Baby, my mom is not staying at a hotel. Or our storage unit.

Ted: Look, I'm just tired of people borrowing things and never returning them. If you don't believe me, ask my ex-friend Stuart.
[flashback:]
Stuart: Ted, I gave your red cowboy boots back the day after Halloween.
Ted: How could you lie to me right to my face, Stuart? You are a horrible human being. Congrats on your daughter's christening.

Robin: That Barney-and-Patrice thing is so bogus. He's clearly trying to get back at me for rejecting him.
Ted: Um, Robin, after you rejected Barney, didn't he reject you?
Marshall: And didn't you go over to his place and try to sleep with him in your purple-and-black underwear?
Robin: Hey, uh, Lil, feel free to disregard that "Don't tell anyone about this ever" thing. She has your mini-cooler.
Ted: I knew it!

Lily: I'm a little worried about Ted. I mean, we're parents now, and even Barney is moving on. I just wish he had someone to talk to. Even for a week. Or you know, four days, three nights.
Marshall: My mom is not staying with Ted!
Lily: He'd love her bacon- gummy bear pancakes.
Marshall: I'm her special boy, I get her special pancakes.