Robin: You know, I had this really boring poetry class in college.
Marshall: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You were just thinking that this dinner is really boring. That's what made you think of your boring class in college.
Robin: What?! What? No! No! No, no, no. Marshall, no. No. I... I just saw that board of specials, and I thought, you know what sucks? Being bored. Which I am not. So that clears that... right up.
Marshall: Robin, I'm an attorney.
Robin: Fine. This night's a little awkward.

Marshall: I guess it's 'cause we never hang out alone together.
Robin: Why is that?
Marshall: It's 'cause of The Mermaid Theory.
[flashback to Marshall at work:]
Marshall: [v.o.] Two years ago, I had just hired a new assistant at GNB.
Barney: So, who's the eye broccoli?
Marshall: Hey, that's Iris, my new assistant. And yes, she's a little plain, but I'm married, so that's good.
Barney: Mark my words, Marshall. Someday you will find Iris so excruciatingly attractive, you won't be able to look her directly in the boobs.
Marshall: I don't think that's gonna be a problem.
Barney: Marshall, do you know how the myth of mermaids came to be?
Marshall: I'm sorry. Myth?

Robin: And that's why we never hang out alone?
Marshall: Yes. As Lily's best friend, you are the last person on the planet who's allowed to turn into a mermaid.
Robin: Wait, does that mean that I'm a manatee right now?
Marshall: Big-time manatee.
Robin: Whoa. What were those sailors thinking?
Marshall: Huh. I don't know. Being out at sea can do crazy things to a man.

Ted: Well, I got a big morning, so... Dry cleaners, bank, you know, so...
The Captain: Ted, it's time. I have something for you. Wait here.
Ted: [inner monologue] Okay, you got to swim for it, Mosby. Man versus sea. You can do this. You didn't get a "Good Effort" ribbon from the Shaker Heights JCC Swim Camp because you don't have what it takes.
The Captain: Found it. Zoey told me you're a scotch drinker. I bought this special for tonight.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And just as I started to realize that maybe I wasn't in danger after all, we hit a bump.
Ted: Whoa! [falls off the boat]
The Captain: Ted?

Robin: Okay, okay, so you're afraid that if you spend too much time alone with me, I'll turn into a mermaid?
Marshall: Yes. I mean, sure, right now, you're bald and leathery ancovered in a thick layer of blubber...
Robin: Am I blushing or...?
Marshall: ...but at some point, my stupid male brain will transform you into a foxy fish-babe singin' "Part of Your World" to my pants.

[flashback to Barney and Marshall talking about "The Mermaid Theory" at work:]
Barney: Once mermaid-ified, there's only one way a woman can go back to being unattractive again, but it's pretty gruesome.
Marshall: Death?
Barney: Worse. Pregnancy. If a baby's on board that train, it is headed straight back to Manatee City... where the grass ain't green and the girls ain't pretty.

The Captain: So you really thought I was gonna kill you?
Ted: Well... ish.
The Captain: Oh, Ted, that's ridiculous. If I wanted to kill you, I'd invite you to my hunting lodge. It's far more remote, and I wouldn't have to worry about you turning up in some nosy fisherman's net.
Ted: See? It's stuff like that. Why- Why do you talk that way?
The Captain: Oh, I'm just jesting for sport. See, sometimes I don't bond as well with Zoey's younger friends. But I know she really likes you. I was hoping that maybe we could be buddies.
Ted: We can. We can be buddies. Just not on a boat.
The Captain: Fair enough. The hunting lodge it is.

Ted: Hey. You feeling better?
Zoey: I have a confession to make. I wasn't really sick.
Ted: You weren't?
Zoey: I'm sorry. I was just feeling guilty that I lied to The Captain and... I don't know, I just thought it would be good if you two spent some time together.
Ted: I get it. And you were right. He's a nice guy. I mean, he can be a little scary.
Zoey: Yeah, he gets a little murder-y when he's nervous.
Ted: Yeah, he's a creepy dude. But I like him.