Lily: You guys should be ashamed.
Marshall: Speaking of shame, I was once with this chick who liked to do hand stuff underneath a jacket while we were all sitting around our favorite booth at MacLaren's.
Ted: Gross.
Robin: We share appetizers.

Lily: Okay, well, I was once with a dude who couldn't even fantasize about a three-way. He was all, "Ew, she's your best friend."
Robin: What now?
Marshall: I was once with a chick who wanted to get it on during a school production of Peter Pan.
Lily: Well, I... Wait, that wasn't me.
Marshall: So, back to Patrice and this ironing issue...

Barney: My friends think you're wrong for me, so they're having an intervention. [Marshall clears his throat] A "Quinntervention."
Quinn: I don't understand.
Marshall: Well, see, your name is Quinn, and so...
Barney: I'll explain. I made Ted promise not to tell them what you do, but he did, and now they don't trust you.
Quinn: Wow, that really hurts. But what's even worse is that you felt the need to lie about me. I'm not ashamed of who I am, Barney, but you clearly are.
Barney: I'm not ashamed of you. I just didn't want them to judge you without...
Quinn: Maybe we are moving too fast.
Barney: What? What is that supposed to mean?
Quinn: I don't think I can do this.
Barney: Wait, are you ending things just like that? If you walk out that door, you prove them right. You prove that you're just some heartless stripper who never gave a damn about me in the...
Quinn: [slaps Barney] Don't call me.

Barney: I was going to say, "And now the gentlemen bump fists." How long you been holding back that one?

Quinn: Hot stuff, fellas. Did I see a little tongue in there?
Lily: I don't understand.
Barney: Well, if these two will keep their sweaty paws off each other for half a second, I'll explain. It all started a couple days ago...
[flashback:]
Barney: I want you to meet my friends.
Quinn: Should I be nervous? Is it like bringing me home to meet your parents?
Barney: No, no, no. Much more stressful than that. You see, my friends, while awesome, can be presumptuous, meddlesome and downright destructive. When they learn what you do and how we met, they'll probably try to break us up.
Quinn: So let's have some fun with them. Mess with their heads.
Barney: Are you saying, evil plan?
Quinn: Hells to the yes.
Barney: My God, you're hot.
Quinn: Wait for it.

[flashback to Barney and Quinn devising an evil plan:]
Barney: Here's what we do. I'll make Ted swear not to tell anyone what he knows about you, and he'll cave immediately. Next, we invite everyone over. I'll keep saying stuff like, "Is it okay if I put out the hummus, bunny face?"
Quinn: And I'll be the bossy bitch who says, "No, save it for dessert, idiot."
Barney: Nice. And, finally, we'll announce...
Quinn: "We're moving in together!" I've got an idea. Let's get your friends Ted and Robin fighting over my apartment.
Barney: Wait, what does that have to do with you and me?
Quinn: Nothing. I just worship chaos.
Barney: I can't handle how hot you are right now.
Quinn: Wait for it.

Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's the story of how we met Quinn. That Friday, I met Robin to see how it went at "fire o'clock."
Robin: They promoted me to on-air talent. I'm gonna be Sandy Rivers' new co-host.
Ted: Oh, my God! How'd that happen?
Robin: Well, remember New Year's Eve? When I filled in for Sandy, it turns out the C.E.O. of World Wide News liked me. He said I have "moxie."
Ted: So he's a 1940s gangster?
Robin: Apparently. And I got a big raise, so I'm taking this apartment on Central Park West, which means...
Ted: Quinn's apartment.
Robin: I already told her you'd take it.

Ted: Hey, and congrats. You deserve it all. You know, I've been thinking about it, and... I can do normal.
Robin: To back to normal.
Ted: To back to normal.
Robin: Uh... I-I should get going.
Ted: Yeah. You've got a lot to do.
Robin: Totally. So... Um, see you soon.
Ted: See you soon.
Robin: Yeah.
Future Ted: [v.o.] We wouldn't see each other for a long time. But I'll get to that.

Quinn: Thank you for being so cool about what I do. A lot of guys would be weird or jealous.
Barney: Are you kidding? Who am I to judge anyone? I'm the devil! I mean, if you ever wanted to stop stripping,
I'd support it. If you wanted... to.
Quinn: Uh-huh. So, you are jealous?
Barney: What? No, no, not at all. I'm just saying, if you ever wanted to hang up the ol' G-string, I'd completely understand.
Quinn: Nah, I like taking my clothes off for money.
Barney: Great. Let me... let me finish. Hypothetically, what would make you stop?
Quinn: Hypothetically. I would stop stripping if I ever got married. Good night.