Barney: What's going on?
Ted: Barney, this in an intervention. [Marshall clears his throat] A "Quinntervention." You and Quinn are moving really fast, and we don't trust her. We're just looking out for your best interests. [Marshall clears his throat] "Quinn-terests."

Ted: Well, Quinn lied to you. She manipulated you. What if she's just using you?
Barney: She's not just using me.
Lily: What about the expensive trip to Hawaii?
Barney: What expensive trip to Hawaii?
Quinn: The one I got for you. That was supposed to be a surprise for Barney. He asked me to meet him here. What's going on, you guys?
Barney: Tell her. Fine, I'll fill her in. And I am so angry, I'm not even gonna make a joke about "filling her in." Which I did three times last night, self-five.

Lily: Barney, we're so sorry. We never should've meddled like that. Can you forgive us?
Barney: I don't know. You had no right to do that.
Ted: How can we make it up to you, buddy?
[later:]
Barney: I, one of Barney's best friends...
All: "I, one of Barney's best friends..."
Barney: promise never to interfere with his personal life again...
All: "...promise never to interfere with his personal life again..."
Barney: unless it's an issue of health, national security, or he's about to get up on a fattie.
All: "...unless it's an issue of health, national security, or he's about to get up on a fattie."
Barney: And now, to seal this sacred vow, the two ladies will kiss.
Robin: Barney.
Barney: The two ladies will kiss!

[flashback to Barney and Quinn devising a plan:]
Barney: Next, they'll try to talk me into dumping you.
Quinn: And I'll walk in on it.
Barney: Then we pretend to break up. And when they crawl back, begging for forgiveness... I'll be the bigger man and let them off the hook.
Quinn: Or make the monkeys dance for you.
Barney: God, you're smart! It's gonna be legen... I'm not waiting for it anymore. [kisses Quinn]
[later, post-coital:]
Quinn: ...dary.

Marshall: Listen, um, about me getting to second base in tenth grade with Jenna Cristalli...
Lily: I don't know what you're talking about. I've already forgotten about that dumb hobag.
Marshall: Yeah, um, it didn't happen while we were watching Peter Pan. It happened while I was playing Peter Pan. Here's a photo from the day I was cast. That's me in the middle. But then I had my growth spurt. By opening night, I was too big for the flying harness, and, well... I fell hands-first right onto Jenna Cristalli. The tissues in her bra saved me two broken wrists. I'm sorry. I just, I just wanted to have one cool sex story that wasn't you.
Lily: Okay. Next time you tell it, you were in your dad's car, which you stole to go to a Metallica concert, and you got to third base with that slut.
Marshall: I was once with this chick... who is just the best wife ever.

Ted: And then we agreed to "go back to normal." But I'm starting to wonder if we can ever really just be friends. Anyway, that's the story of me and Robin, 2005 to the present. What do you think?
Martin: I think your stories are way too long.
Ned: I feel bad for his future kids, dude.
Ted: Hey, my kids are gonna love my stories. They're gonna... Yeah, they're gonna love my stories.

Barney: Look, I know that things started out sketchy with me and Quinn, but I really like her, so please. Do you, Ted Middle-Name-Omitted Mosby, swear to uphold this Broath?
Ted: I do.
[cut to Ted at MacLaren's:]
Ted: Barney's dating a stripper who's gonna steal all his money!

Lily: Do we trust this girl?
Ted: Well, for one thing, she seems kind of controlling.
[a series of flashbacks from earlier in the night:]
Barney: Is it okay if I put out the hummus, bunny face?
Quinn: No, save it for dessert. Idiot.
Quinn: Uh, ah... [snaps her fingers toward her glass]
Barney: More red wine, beauty-swan? She drinks a lot.
Barney: Is it okay if I go pee, sugar lamb?
Quinn: No! You just went three hours ago.
Barney: You're right, baby bear!

Ted: Yeah, sorry we didn't stay as laser-focused as you guys.
Lily: Hey, at least I got some evidence.
[flashback:]
Lily: Look what I found in Quinn's bedroom. Barney's taking her to Hawaii.
Marshall: Lily, you snooped through her stuff?
Lily: No. It's like the first thing you see when you jimmy open her desk drawer with a letter opener her grandfather left her, according to her diary.

Ted: So, did Robin tell you the incredibly devious thing she did today?
Robin: Me?!
[flashback:]
Ted: Hey, so I just happened to be in the neighborhood and I thought, "Man, Quinn is in such great shape, she must love fruit." So, unrelated, how's the search for a sub-letter going?
Quinn: This is such a weird coincidence! Robin also "just happened" to be in the neighborhood with a bottle of wine and her credit scores.