Barney: [answers phone] Hey, Robin.
Robin: Did you tell your mother I'm a virgin?
Barney: What? Why would you think that?
[flashback:]
Loretta: Save yourself room for dessert. And I hear you excel at saving yourself.
[flashback:]
Loretta: You are so funny. What's gotten into you? Oh, that's right... nothing ever.
[flashback:]
Loretta: You may be nervous as to what goes where on your wedding night. It's really simple. Let me show you. And let's start with the fundamentals.
[present:]
Robin: Why would you tell her I'm a virgin?
Barney: I panicked. Look, I really want her to like you, so just go with it, okay? Okay!
Robin: Listen, Wuv-Wuv, you better get your ass back... [Barney hangs up]

Barney: This night has been catastrophic.
Ted: "Catastrophic"! Everybody pound.
Ralph Macchio: Sorry, bro. I'm staying. If this is anything like my bachelor party - strippers, booze, definitely no hand stuff, wink-wink - it is gonna be in... wait for it... credible. Incredible!
Ted: Wow. You guys are actually a lot alike.
Barney: You take that back, sir! I am nothing like Ralph Macchio! I mean, did you guys even get a stripper?

Barney: Ted, this was my bachelor party. A man only gets two or three of these in his lifetime.

Marshall: Man, it's crowded in here.
Quinn: I know, it's like a clown car.
Lily: Well, I can make some room by grinding on Ralph's lap. Si-Sitting! I meant, I meant sitting.

Barney: This is the worst bachelor party ever.
Ralph Macchio: Man, my bachelor party was incr... wait for it... and I hope you're hungry, 'cause the second half of this word is... edible! Incredible! Self-shake.
[The clown mimes that Barney and Ralph are similar]
Barney: [gasps] You take that back, clown. I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!
Ralph Macchio: Yeah. You've got more in common with the clown, except his suit's more expensive.
Marshall: Hey-oh!

Robin: I just tore your mom away from a living version of a Nick Nolte mug shot and put her in a cab home. Thank you for abandoning me on what has been one of the worst nights of my life.
Quinn: So, it's my usual fee, plus I always charge an extra hundred for girl-on-clown action.
Robin: What the hell is she doing here?
Barney: Robin, I swear, nothing happened.
Ralph Macchio: That means just hand stuff.

Quinn: Barney is suicidal.
Robin: I know, it's awesome!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Yep, kids, we had planned out every step of the night. It started three weeks earlier.
[flashback:]
Barney: and you will disappoint me. But make it great, okay?
Ted: Oh, it'll be great, all right! Okay, after two weeks of brainstorming, all I have on my list so far is Purell. Marshall, what do you got?
Marshall: Well, nothing now. This is impossible! How do you make something memorable for a guy who makes every night the best night of his life?
Robin: Give him the worst night of his life.

Barney: Please, just don't shoot me in the face... or the crotch!
All: Surprise!
Barney: What's going on?
Robin: Well, we decided to give you everything you wanted for your bachelor party without you even realizing it.
Barney: Wait, so that's why you made me think Marshall might die? And I'd lost all that money and my friends hated me and my wedding was off? You just decided to-to check off everything on this list in the most twisted way imaginable? That is... awesome!
Robin: And it was all planned by a girl.
Barney: Wow!

Ralph Macchio: So, Lily, later on tonight, you want to...?
Lily: Whoa, whoa, whoa. That was all just part of the act. You knew that, right?
Ralph Macchio: Yeah! Totally. We pulled it off, right? Platonic shake!
[Lily licks her hand that Ralph Macchio just shook]

Ralph Macchio: Whoa, whoa! I was promised boobs.
Lily: Oh, Ralph, if you want, I can...
Ted: Lily.
Quinn: Is that the Karate Kid?
All: Yes!
Barney: No.
Quinn: He's a lot like Barney, huh?
Barney: You take that back, madam. I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!