‘Stuff’
Season 2, Episode 16 - Aired February 19, 2007
Robin is uncomfortable when she finds out how much of the stuff in Ted's apartment was given to be him by his past girlfriends. Meanwhile, Barney puts on his own one-man-show to get revenge on Lily for making him see her terrible play.
Quote from Ted
Lily: All right, well, let's hear the arguments. Ted, you go first.
Ted: Okay. The fact that I still have things from ex-girlfriends is no big deal. I mean, when I see the phone booth on the piano, I don't think of Jeannie Radford, I think of the good times I had backpacking through Europe. And when I see the lamp, I don't think of Allison Moses. I remember when I was broke, just out of college, and I really needed a lamp. And when I see that throw pillow, I don't think of Lauren Stein. I think of that weird orange-brown stain and how it got there.
Marshall: Creamsicle and turkey gravy, not at the same time.
Quote from Barney
Lily: I got to side with Robin. She's your girlfriend, and if the stuff upsets her, you got to get rid of it.
Marshall: I've got to side with Ted. Just 'cause you still have something an ex girlfriend gave you doesn't mean you're holding onto her.
Ted: All right, Barney. It all comes down to you.
Barney: I side with Robin.
Ted: What?
Barney: Ted, your place is too cluttered. It's like you're living in a Bennigan's.
Quote from Future Ted
Future Ted: [v.o.] So I had no choice. I packed up everything I had gotten from ex-girlfriends. It was painful, but not as painful as what I had to endure later that night. New York is famous for its theater, but there's many different levels. There's Broadway, off-Broadway, off-off-Broadway, homeless people screaming in the park, and then below that, the play Aunt Lily was in.
Quote from Barney
Marshall: Oh, baby, that was wonderful!
Ted: Totally. I had no idea Greed was the killer.
Robin: And when it became a play within a play, I was, like, "Now we are really cookin'!"
Barney: Wow, Lily, that sucked!
Marshall: Barney!
Barney: What? It was terrible. I mean, come on. You guys agree, right? Hey, sorry, I'm just being honest 'cause, you know, we're friends.
Lily: No, friends make each other feel good. They build each other up and support them. That's what being a good friend is about.
Barney: Yeah, if you're a Smurf.
Quote from Barney
Barney: Oh, I almost forgot. Flyers for my new play.
Lily: Very funny.
Barney: Oh, it's not a joke. It's my one-man show premiering tomorrow night. And even though it's terrible and excruciatingly long, I expect you all to be there since we're such good friends.
Lily: Oh, we'll be there.
Barney: Unless, of course, you just want to admit that you were wrong.
Lily: Never.
Barney: Good. Okay, I gotta go rehearse. Oh, I almost forgot. Bring a poncho. The first three rows get wet.
Quote from Lily
Lily: Aw, you know, if I were five dogs, I'd rather live on a farm than in an apartment in Brooklyn.
Robin: Yeah. I could visit them on weekends. My aunt is awfully lonely up there. It's just her and her lover, Betty.
Lily: Oh, that's perfect. They love dogs.
Robin: "They"? What do you mean by "they"?
Lily: Uh... Uh.... Uh... People upstate. Oh, look, it's starting. Shh!
Quote from Barney
Barney: Thank you, Lily. Is there anything you'd like to say about my show?
Lily: No. No, I have nothing nice to say about your show. You were right, Barney. Let's go to the bar.
Barney: Yes! I win! I love winning! Oh, Lily. Oh, Lily, Lily, Lily. I was just getting warmed up, man!
Lily: Well, I imagine it was pretty awful, so let's go.
Barney: Pretty awful? Pretty awful?! It was a masterpiece of awful. It's genius how bad it is. I kind of wish you guys could see it.
Lily: Yeah, well, anyway.
Barney: Act two is where I really hit my stride. Spoiler alert: the robot falls in love.
Lily: How about this, Barney? How about we stay and-and watch the rest of your show?
Barney: It's your funeral. Five, six, one, two.
Future Ted: [v.o.] So we stayed and let Barney torture us for another hour and a half, 'cause that's what friends do, apparently.
Quote from Ted
Ted: See that girl over there? Three years ago, I totally made out with her.
Robin: I don't want to hear that.
Ted: What? You said...
Robin: God, that is so insensitive.
Ted: Remember honesty...?
Robin: You're a jerk!
Ted: Well, you're...confusing.
Quote from Marshall
Marshall: Okay, so you have to have sex with one. Either classic mermaid; bottom half fish, top half human, or inverted mermaid, top half fish, bottom half human. Go!
Barney: I don't know. Is she fat?
Marshall: Yeah, but it's a fish, so it's the good kind of fat.
Quote from Robin
Ted: Why is this such a big deal?
Robin: Because I don't want to use some whore's moisturizer!
Ted: Whoa, she wasn't a whore.
Robin: Well, she's leaving expensive lotions all over town. It sounds like a whore to me.