Robin: Come on, you guys, you're four young active people living in the most exciting city on earth. You're telling me you have no stories for me?
Lily: What can I say? Some weeks are just like that. It's the same thing over and over. A kid in my class ate some paste.
Barney: I used deceitful means to hook up with a less-than-intelligent girl.
Ted: My ex-girlfriend Karen moved to town. It's just all the same, Robin.
Lily: Karen's in town?
Marshall: Oh no!
Barney: You have got to be kidding me!

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I think I've told you about Karen. She was my girlfriend in high-school, and intermittently through college. She was beautiful, smart. I was madly in love with her. The only problem was, Marshall and Lily were not. I think it had something to do were every time Karen opened her mouth.
[flashback to Ted, Karen, Marshall and Lily in their college dorm room:]
Karen: I love that you guys live in a dorm. It's so American. It's like let's all eat baloney sandwiches and be racist.
[present:]
Lily: Oh my God. She was such a douche.
Marshall: Dude, she was the heiress to the Massengill fortune.

Ted: She really wasn't that bad.
Lily: Of course, you think that she turned you into one of her douche zombies.
Marshall: I want to eat your brain but only if it's organic and grass-fed.
Ted: What?
[flashback to Ted, Karen, Marshall and Lily in their college dorm room:]
Lily: Will you pass the salt?
Karen: Salt? So bourgeois.
Ted: Totally.

[flashback to Ted, Karen, Marshall and Lily in their college dorm room:]
Karen: What's that thing?
Marshall: That's a TV, Karen.
Karen: Oh, I don't watch TV.
Ted: Totally.
[another flashback:]
Karen: You thought I actually bought tickets to Wrestle Mania? I was being ironic.
Ted: Totally.
Marshall: I know... that you were being ironic. I too am being ironic.
Lily: Let's do this. What?
[present:]
Marshall: That make up didn't come off for a month. I had to meet Lily's parents that way. I've never looked like a bigger jackass.

Barney: Tell the story! Tell the story! Tell the story!
Marshall: Just let it go!
Robin: Well, hold on. Is it really funny?
Barney: Robin, I am not kidding you. I almost don't want you to hear it, because seriously... for the rest of your life, nothing else will ever be as funny and you will curse yourself for agreeing to ever hear it in the first place. But seriously, you got to hear it, it's so funny.

[flashback to Marshall at work earlier that day:]
Marshall: [v.o.] I was at the company gym this morning, playing basketball, and the guys I work with can be pretty brutal with their ridicule.
Bilson: Look at Wisniewski. He's gonna cry, look at him.
Blauman: Yeah, look at him.
Marshall: I don't know. I don't think knees aren't supposed to bend that way, I think... he might have tore his ACL.
Bilson: The only thing that guy tore was his cervix or maybe his hymen.
Blauman: Yeah, or his fallopian tube.
[present:]
Marshall: I may have cleaned up the dialogue a little bit.

Marshall: Anyways... I go to my duffel bag to get out my work clothes.
Barney: Wait, wait! I want to say it...
Marshall: Fine, you say it.
Barney: Marshall goes to his duffel bag to get out his work clothes and... No, no, no, you say it. It's funnier if you say it. No, let me say it! No, you say it. You say it. Say it. Same time! No, no, no. You go, you go!
Marshall: I forgot...
Barney: Marshall forgot his pants! I mean, he forgot his pants.

Barney: Marshal forget his pants, That's pretty funny.
Robin: It's not a chimpanzee wearing two tuxedos. [laughing] What? Did he... forgot he put the first one on? Stupid monkey!

Lily: You don't know the whole story. Ted and Karen were off and on all through college, and it always went the same way. They'd be having fun, douching it up, and then one day...
[flashback to Ted arriving back at his college dorm to find Karen in bed with another guy:]
Ted: I know you think pepperoni is fascist and you're totally right, so I can... Oh, my God! Karen!
Man: [sniffs] Sorry, bro.
Karen: Before you say anything, I think that you should read Baudelaire's, "Les Fleurs Du Mal".
Ted: Okay.

Marshall: So then they break up, Ted would be all depressed, and we would wait the appropriate amount of time and then we'd would tell him how we really felt.
[flashback to the college dorm:]
Ted: Karen and I broke up.
Lily: We hated her!
Marshall: Bitch had to go!