Barney: Wow, you're a natural, Dad.
Robin Sr.: You know, I love Robin. And her sister's okay, I guess. But there's something nice about finally having, a son.
Barney: A s... [choked up] ... Cristalli twins, nine o'clock! Now make like your mommy's ovum and split!
Robin Sr.: Solid biology joke, B-dawg.
Both: Woof, woof!

Future Ted: [v.o.] Now, I'll admit, to the untrained eye, a few of my packing rulings may have seemed arbitrary.
Ted: "Let's Go Italy"? Triangle. Triangle, let's go Italy. [cut] A gorilla suit and a blonde wig. Have you used either of these in the last year?
[flashback to a person in a gorilla suit beating their chest at the bedroom door. Marshall is revealed to be tied up in bed wearing a blonde wig:]
Marshall: [high-pitched voice] Please, Queen Kong, be gentle.
[present:]
Marshall: Nope, haven't used those.
Lily: I don't think those even belong to us.

Lily: Okay, here's an easy one. A leaky, ten-year-old beanbag chair covered in beer, bong water and fossilized Cool Ranch Dorito fingerprints.
Ted: Italy.
Marshall: Vieni ancora per Fudge Grande?
Ted: Guys, this chair has been here forever. You gotta take it with you. Italy.
Marshall: Ted, Italy doesn't need something that is wrinkled, red and leaky, and smells like booze and narcotics. They've already got former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.
Lily: [laughs] I don't know who that is.

Ted: All rulings are final.
Lily: Okay, why are things that we like getting "Triangled" and crap you like sneaks through?
Ted: Like what?
Marshall: That old 50-pound karaoke machine.
Ted: Come on! We sang in the New Year in '02 on this thing, remember? We were Destiny's Child! And since I was Beyonce, I'm pretty sure I get final say here, so...
Marshall: Oh, we were not your backup singers, bitch. We were a group.
Ted: I'm sorry, are you guys married to Jay-Z, or am I married to Jay-Z? Italy. [feedback]

Barney: Wow. The way you used that kid having an asthma attack as a human shield? That took my breath away. Okay, next, I'll be point guy and you lay down cover. So I'm...
Robin Sr.: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... are you suggesting that I will not be point guy?
Barney: [laughs] Look, if Michael Jordan's healthy, you don't let Scottie Pippen run the offense. [off Robin Sr's confusion] Oh, you're from Canada, right. If... how do I put this? If Wayne Gretzky's healthy, you don't let, uh, François... What I'm saying is: hockey is stupid and I'm point guy.

Robin: Where are you, you son of a bitch?!
Woman: Look away, kids, she's about to pee.
Robin: What...? I am not some animal. I peed 20 minutes ago and I buried it neatly because I am a lady! [spits]

Lily: Okay, stop! Every time he lands, that chair farts out ten-year-old Dorito dust.
Marshall: Yeah, it's the chair.

Marshall: All right, buddy. You win. Italy.
Ted: Really?
Lily: Yeah. We asked you to be the judge here and we gotta trust your opinion.
Marshall: She's right. And with all the traveling that we'll be doing, we could probably use a couple of your hands-free belt satchels.
Ted: You said they were lame.
Lily: I hate to admit it, but they actually sound useful. Could you buy us a couple?
Ted: Two hands-free belt satchels, coming right up. Oh, and don't worry, I'll get cool colors so you guys don't look like whatever the Spanish term really is for "Fanny Pack Dork."

[Barney and Robin Sr. address their laser tag teams of young boys:]
Barney: Men, it's us versus them. Our actions here today will echo through eternity... Stand up straight, Kaden!
Robin Sr.: I only have one rule, you worthless maggots: We all respect each other.
Barney: I only have one rule: For every three tens you bang, throw a bone to a five. They're grateful and hard-working and let's face it, sometimes you just want to lay there.
Boy: What's that got to do with Laser Tag?
Barney: Everything!
Robin Sr.: ...and we will prevail, even if it takes all night! Tanner.
Tanner: I have to be home by 4:00.
Robin Sr.: [laser gun zaps] Anyone else have any scheduling issues?
Barney: You can take down anyone on their team, but I want the big man for myself.
Boy: What's your beef with oldie?
Barney: He's... my father.
Kai: Father-in-law.
Barney: Shut up, Kai.

[Barney and Robin Sr. address their laser tag teams]
Robin Sr.: All right, here's the bottom line, cockroaches. There's no end in sight and we've got no provisions. If it comes down to it, I need a volunteer to let the rest of us... eat him.
Boy: Barney's team seems way more fun.
Robin Sr.: Nonsense.
Barney: Candy for everyone! Okay, Team Animal House, who wants to try a cigar?
Kids: Yeah!
Robin Sr.: I'm not saying we're gonna start with your face or anything, but is there seriously no one herewilling to give up a hand or a foot?