Ted: We're getting married this Sunday? Are we sure we're ready for this?
Stella: Ted, I wasted years trying to get Lucy's dad to decide he was "ready" for this, but he never got ready for this. That's why we never got married. Come on, let's just be spontaneous. I used to dream that Tony would be spontaneous like this.
Ted: Okay, I'm in. And I'm also... spontaneous. [throws his glass of water in his face] I wish I hadn't done that.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, morals usually come at the end of stories, but this one is so important, I'm gonna tell you now: Don't ever, ever, invite an ex to your wedding. If someone had given me that advice, well, it would have changed everything.

Barney: All right, Ted, your bachelor party, tonight. I have got three of the most physically and morally flexible exotic dancers you've ever seen...
Ted: Can't, there's no time.
Barney: Okay, I'll let you know how it goes.

Lily: So you're back on Robin?
Barney: Hopefully. I mean, this weekend is the best chance ever to hook up with her again.
Lily: You'll never pull it off. There's too many distractions. The first drunk bridesmaid you see, you'll have your head under her dress like an old-time photographer.
Barney: Lily, don't cheapen this. I don't want to sound all mushy-gushy and romantic, but this weekend, Robin is the only woman I'm banging.

Lily: This isn't exactly where I pictured Ted getting married.
Barney: "The Namaste Yoga and Meditation Collective."
Marshall: I don't know about you guys, but Nama-stay here any longer than I have to.

Barney: So, what scotches you got?
Juice Bar Guy: Here at the center, we have a very strict no-alcohol policy.
[Barney and Lily gasp; meanwhile:]
Marshall: Great, and all the meals are included, right?
Host: And they're all 100% vegan.
Marshall: [gasps]

Marshall: There's no meat.
Lily: There's no alcohol.
Marshall: It gets worse: I'm 90% sure that guy you were talking with used to be lead singer of the Spin Doctors.
[Marshall, Lily and Barney gasp]

Stella: You don't get what's like for a bride to see her groom's ex at their wedding.
[fantasy scene:]
Robin: Stella, your new husband used to nail me, like, three times a day.

Stella: Having exes around, I don't know, it brings up... unresolved things. How do you know that spark
won't come back with your ex sitting out there?
Ted: Come on, we're just friends. Plus, Robin and I already had our backslide last Thanksgiving, not even that long ago.
Stella: Did you place a large bet against yourself in this argument?

[Robin is presenting the Japanese news as her monkey co-anchor gets increasingly agitated:]
Robin: Spurred by environmental concerns and high gasoline prices, sales of hybrid vehicles have risen 11% over the previous year.