Ted: I told these guys I have a vision for this thing. They want to see a pitch in a week and I got nothing.
Robin: Aw, it's cute.
Ted: Cute? Robin, I could be designing concert halls and bridges. Bridges so beautiful they could be in museums. And I could design those museums. But what am I designing instead? What has my career come to? A two-story Stetson with outdoor dining on the brim. It's a sick cosmic joke. The universe is conspiring against me.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, it's a miracle that I ended up on that street corner. Especially when you consider how easy it would have been not to end up there. I mean, when I first stepped out of the apartment, I almost went right instead of left. Why didn't I go right? Well, to answer that, we have to go back a few days. As you know, back then, your Aunt Robin hosted a morning show.
Robin: [on TV] Now Eunice here makes all of these purses herself. They're hand embroidered with the world's finest silk. And each one takes months to make. I cannot emphasize how much work goes into... [Robin throws up in the purse] Go to weather, you idiots.

Robin: On the plus side, I bought the cutest purse today.
Ted: So, wait, why did you throw up?
Robin: You don't want to know.
Ted: Come on. Tell me.
Robin: Uh, I'm pregnant.
Ted: I will raise this child with you. You are not alone in this. We can even get married if you want, but I still want to see other girls, it would've to be one of those kind...
Robin: God, stop it. I'm not pregnant. It's food poisoning. I ate something from this place, and three hours later, I was spewing like an open hydrant.
Ted: God. From where?
Robin: Well, that's a gross question.

Barney: [enters] Ted, Ted! Go to YouTube. Put in "Robin Scherbatsky morning show vomit" Oh, hey, Robin, home so soon?
Robin: Someone already put it on YouTube?
Barney: Yeah... Someone. So... Why you been throwing up? You pregnant?
Robin: Yeah, Barney. I'm pregnant.
[Barney runs out of the apartment]

Ted: So, wait, why won't you tell me where you got food poisoning?
Robin: You love this place. If I tell you, it'll just ruin it.
Ted: Okay, that makes sense.
Robin: Yeah.
Ted: Don't tell me.
[later, at MacLaren's:]
Ted: Is it that Indian place where the cat jumps on all the tables?
Robin: I'm not saying.
Ted: That Spanish place with baby's crib in the middle of the restaurant?
Robin: I'm not saying.
[Wendy the waitress places Ted's burger and fries down]
Ted: God, no. No, no, no. Is it this place? Tell me, damn you!

Robin: Fine. You really want to know?
Ted: Yes.
Robin: It's Schlegel's Bagels.
Ted: No! Why did you tell me that? Schlegel's? Thanks a lot, Robin. Now I'm gonna have to try to find another place in NY that serves bagels.

Future Ted: [v.o.] So, you see, kids, if I had gone to Schlegel's Bagels as usual, I would have taken a right. I would have gotten a bagel... gone home, worked on the old hat building, and you kids might never have been born. But I turned left instead, to go to my second-favorite bagel place and the rest is history. Of course, I stopped at that magazine stand on the way. Why did I stop there? Here's why.
[flashback to Barney in MacLaren's reading "Bro's Life magazine":]
Barney: Yes! Yes! Yes!
[later, Barney enters the apartment:]
Barney: Bro's Life Magazine. Page 83. Check it.
Ted: "What your paintball gun says about your personality"?
Barney: Below that.
Ted: "That last five pounds: How to get her to lose them."
Barney: Above that.
Ted: Petra Petrova.
Barney: Petra Petrova.

Ted: Who are these girls? That was rhetorical. Don't show me the list.
Barney: 199 satisfied customers. Anyway, the big night is Thursday. I'm having a celebratory soirée beforehand at MacLaren's. Prepare a toast. Black tie optional, but preferred. Gifts are, look, I would say unnecessary, but follow your heart.
Ted: Barney, 200's too many.
Barney: It's not too many.
Ted: It's too many!

Barney: Marshall, knowing how important this is to me, do you think Lily would even consider... By the way, and I would do all the work...
Marshall: I will end your life.
Barney: Right.

Robin: Where'd Barney go? It's been over an hour.
Robin: You know, looking over the names on this list, I'm not sensing a lot of ethnic diversity. He should really look at that in himself.