‘Return of the Shirt’
Season 1, Episode 4 - Aired October 10, 2005
When Ted finds a shirt he hasn't worn in years, it makes him reconsider some of his past relationships. Meanwhile, Barney dares Robin to say an embarrassing word on the news.
Quote from Barney
Barney: That was a big mistake, Ted. You should've done it in person.
Lily: Thank you.
Barney: Desperate "please-don't-leave-me" sex is amazing.
Quote from Barney
Barney: You know what else? "My younger sister just got married and I'm about to turn thirty"-sex. Fantastic.
Quote from Ted
Natalie: Wow. Maybe it was the caffeine, but you really brought your game up to a whole new level.
Ted: Thanks. I did just start subscribing to esquire. They have some helpful columns. The following, is from the October issue.
Future Ted: [v.o.] So, Natalie and I started dating again and just like that it all came back. The tea candles. The Sock monkeys. Belle and Sebastian. All of it. It seemed like happily ever after wasn't far off.
Quote from Lily
Marshall: I don't get it, man, Natalie is awesome.
Ted: I know, she's terrific, but I have to break up with her.
Lily: [hitting Ted on every syllable] Why. Couldn't. You. Leave. That. Poor. Girl. Alone?
Quote from Ted
Ted: These past three weeks have been great. I should be in love with her, but I'm not feeling that thing. It's ineffable.
Marshall: Ineffable. Good word.
Quote from Ted
Lily: Ted, what is the truth? Why do you want to break up with her?
Ted: The truth? She's not the one.
Lily: So, tell her that.
Marshall: Oh, you can't tell her that. That's horrible.
Lily: Why? What is so horrible about that?
Ted: Yeah, what is so horrible about that? "She's not the one." Why is that such a heart-breaking thing to hear? The chances of one person being another person's "the one" are like six billion to one.
Lily: Yeah, you have better chances of winning the lottery.
Ted: Exactly, you wouldn't take it personally if you lost the lottery.
Quote from Barney
Barney: Alright, Scherbatsky, new challenge. And this one's big. But so is the cash reward. For one thousand dollars, you heard me, all you have to do is get up there on the news and do one of these... [dances]
Robin: What the hell is that?
All: The Ickey Shuffle.
Barney: And as you do it, you say this, "Elbert Ickey Woods. The bangles were fools to cut you in '91. Your 1521 rushing yards and your 27 touch downs will not be forgotten. So Coach Dave Shullah, screw you and your crappy steakhouse."
Robin: Just write it down for me. What do I care, it's not like anyone's watching anyway, right?
Quote from Ted
Ted: Look, Natalie, there's something I have to say and there's no good way to say it. I wanna break up. I don't think you're the one for me. I don't want to waste your time because I really like you. I wanna do right by you, and I think the best way to do that is just to be honest. I'm sorry. Just let it out. They're only tears. [Natalie throws her spaghetti at Ted] Aah!
Natalie: I'm not the one for you?!
Ted: I'm sorry. I just thought the mature thing to do would be...
Natalie: It's my birthday!
Ted: Yes, I know I didn't realize that it was...
Natalie: It's my birthday and you're telling me I'm not the one for you?
Ted: It's really not such a big deal. I mean, it's the odds. It's like you lost the lottery.
Natalie: Oh, so dating you is like winning the lottery?
Ted: No, no, no. I didn't mean that.
Natalie: Okay, So what's the problem?
Ted: It's... I can't explain it.
Natalie: Try!
Ted: It's ineffable.
Natalie: I'm not "f-able"?
Ted: No, no, no, no. Ineffable. Ineffable means it can't be explained.
Natalie: Oh, so I'm stupid?
Ted: Oh, God, what's going on?
Quote from Ted
Natalie: Okay, "what's going on" is, you broke my heart over my answering machine... on my birthday, waited three years for me to get over you. Tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again only so you could dump me three weeks later. Again on my birthday!
Ted: No, it's... It's not like that. I'm just... It's, it's, it's...
Natalie: What?!
Ted: I'm just like super busy right now.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Remember when Natalie said.
[flashback:]
Natalie: I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour.
[back:]
Future Ted: Turns out Krav Maga is not a kind of yoga. It's a form of gorilla street fighting developed by the Israeli army.
[Natalie kicks Ted from across the table]
Quote from Ted
Ted: I really thought I was doing it the good way this time. I guess there is no good way. Sometimes no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, you just end up flat on your back flailing around in a big pile of horse crap!
Robin: You saw it?
Ted: It's going on the internet now!