Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's how it goes, kids. The friends, neighbors, drinking buddies, and partners in crime you love so much when you're young, as the years go by, you just lose touch. That being said, I did manage to keep track of a few people. Carl's still behind the bar at MacLaren's.
Carl: Hey, watch it over there.
Carl's Son: Yeah, watch it over there.
Future Ted: It's become a family business. Jeanette was arrested for mailing jars of urine to Val Kilmer. No, not that Val Kilmer. She narrowly avoided prison time, but did receive mandatory psychological counseling.
Jeannette: Hello, handsome.
Kevin: I should say up front, I'm not allowed to date my... Oh, what the hell.
Future Ted: She and Kevin live in Poughkeepsie now. Ranjit made a couple really good stock picks, and, well, he owns the limo service now.
Ranjit: Bitterman, get the car.
Bitterman: Getting the car, sir.
Future Ted: Patrice has her own drive time radio show. People call in, she gives advice.
Robin: [on phone] Sometimes I just feel like he never listens to me, you know.
Patrice: Gosh, caller, that's a real pickle. You know, my grandma always says...
Robin: Damn it, Patrice, I'm not finished!
Patrice: Sorry, sorry, go on.
Future Ted: William Zabka became the youngest poet ever to win the American Humanities Medal for Literature. He's currently working on a collection of travel essays. Zoey pops up on the news every now
and then, supporting some cause or another. It doesn't always go well for her. The hawk is a majestic creature.
She means you no...
Zoey: Aah! No, I'm your friend. I'm helping you.
Future Ted: Still, it's nice knowing she's out there fighting the good fight. Scooter's been married for a while. Apparently, he met a girl at work, and it was love at first sight. I guess something about her helped him get over Lily.
Scooter: You look beautiful today, Jasmine. Like every day.
Jasmine: [Russian accent] Move. I serve sloppy joe now.
Future Ted: Blitz struggled with a gambling addiction for a while but after a three-day bender on the same slot machine, he finally kicked it.
Blitz: I gotta get help.
Woman: Yes! [machine beeps]
Blitz: Oh, man.
Future Ted: I'm not sure what happened to Blah-Blah. But I'd like to think that wherever she is, she... Carol. Her name was Carol.
Carol: Thank you.
Future Ted: Sandy Rivers' inappropriate behavior finally caught up with him, ending his news career in America.
Sandy Rivers: [in Russian] "Good evening Moscow, I'm Sandy Rivers. Our top story: tainted beef in Odessa, speaking of which, Olga, I've got some beef you might enjoy... stroganoff.
Future Ted: He hasn't changed. It took some doing, but James finally convinced Tom to take him back. And nobody's happier about it than their kids.
James: Hey, kids, have I ever told you how I met your father? It was at a party.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And as for Blauman...
Gary Blauman: Guys, wait. I'm sorry for storming off. I don't wanna miss this wedding.

[three days before the wedding:]
Ted: Hi.
The Mother: Hi. Okay.
Ted: So I thought we'd try this new restaurant around the corner. It's Scottish-Mexican fusion.
The Mother: Scottish-Mexican fusion?
Ted: Scottish-Mexican fusion.
The Mother: Those seem like two things that do not fuse.
Ted: Perhaps you'll change your mind when you try their signature haggis enchiladas.
The Mother: Ha, ha. Okay. Lead the way.
Ted: All right. Yeah. Come on.
The Mother: I was surprised when you called. Isn't there some universal guy rule to wait four days to call a girl?
Ted: That does not ring a bell. And it's three days.

Ted: Wait. Did you say "Gary Blauman"?
Marshall: Yeah, why?
Ted: I hate that guy.
Marshall: Why?
Ted: Remember a few years ago when I read that biography of Teddy Roosevelt? For weeks after I read it, I only wanted to talk about one thing.
[flashback:]
Ted: Teddy Roosevelt was the coolest guy ever.
Barney: [groans] That's it. No more books, Ted. I don't like the person you become when you read books.
Robin: Here's the deal: You get to tell us one more interesting fact about Teddy Roosevelt. One more, and then you're done forever. So make it a good one.
Ted: Okay. He went blind in one eye... from getting hit too hard in a boxing match... while he was president.
Barney: Wow.
Robin: That's a pretty good one.
Ted: Right? Oh, and when he was at Harvard...
Barney: Shut up!