Barney Quote #1980
Barney: All right, next challenge.
Lily: Oh, this is an all-night thing? Okay. Um... Pick up a girl wearing a garbage bag.
Barney: I'd be Glad to. Just hope she's not too Hefty. And those are all of the brands of trash bags I can think of.
Lily: I'm not done. You also can't use the letter E.
Barney: Challng accptd!
Quote from Robin
Barney: Seriously, guys, you're gonna have to try harder than that.
Robin: Challenge accepted.
[later, at MacLaren's:]
Robin: Excuse me, hi. I'm Ryan Gosling's personal assistant. He saw you as you were walking in, and he sent me over to tell you to wait here. Be cool. This is real. Okay? But listen. Ryan is super shy. I know. Heh-heh. Which means if he comes in here and sees you talking to some other guy, he's gonna turn right around and leave. Nod if you understand.
[back at the apartment:]
Robin: Redhead at the bar.
Barney: Challenge accepted!
[later at MacLaren's:]
Barney: Hey there.
Woman: Get away from me!
Quote from Barney
Barney: Please, Ted and Robin are not platonic. Just like me and Robin are not platonic. Just like no two single people in the world are ever platonic. Symposium. Two people are only platonic if in the next 20 minutes, there is no chance of them hooking up. Truth is, I only know of one genuinely platonic relationship.
Lily: You and me.
Barney: Don't make me laugh, Lily. You want to hit this so hard. Seriously, she's playing footsies with me as l... Ow! No, I'm talking about Marshall and Robin. [v.o.] Marshall and Robin wouldn't hook up even if this happened.
[fantasy, Lily runs into MacLaren's with a bomb strapped to her chest as Marshall and Robin talk:]
Lily: Marshall! Robin! If you guys don't full-on make out in the next 20 minutes, they're gonna blow me up and everyone in this bar!
Marshall: Oh, God, no. Anyone but Robin.
Robin: I really don't want to do this.
Lily: Guys, we have no time. Just do it!
[19 minutes later:]
Marshall: I'm sorry, baby. I just... I can't do it.
Barney: And the only survivor was me, because I was upstairs banging Ted's mom. What? Get that blond girl's phone number? Challenge accepted.
Quote from How I Met Everyone Else
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Quote from The Three Days Rule
Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.