Ted Quote #83
Barney: Ted, doesn't Victoria deserve to know that you once had the hots for Robin? I have half a mind to tell the story of the re-return.
Ted: No. I-I swore you to secrecy on that.
Lily: Ooh, I am smelling dirt. What is the story of the re-return?
Ted: Nothing. It's nothing. And speaking of digging up dirt, can I count on you two to behave around Victoria?
Lily: Us? What would we do?
Ted: Look, um, you guys have always been like the parents that I still have and, in fact, moved here to get away from. However, could we skip the traditional interrogation of the new girlfriend tonight?
Quote from Barney
Barney: [on tape] Shannon! I love you! I love you so much. What about us changing the world together? Don't tell me you've forgotten. I know I haven't. [singing] Will I ever see another rainbow? Will an eagle ever soar through this tempest of woe? Baby, please Don't go There's a thief in the palace, she's stolen all my love There's a thief in the palace and she's...
Quote from Barney
Ted: Okay, I want to lay down some ground rules for tonight. Barney, I actually like Victoria. A lot. So don't say anything embarrass... Don't say anything. And guys, I haven't exactly told Victoria that I used to have a kind of thing for Robin, so we you could just avoid the...
Barney: Well, well, well. How rich. You make me promise to be on my best behavior around your girlfriend, yet, you have been lying to her since day one. Excuse me. [takes phone out] Hi. Leg Warehouse? Yeah, my friend Ted needs something to stand on. So, nothing for him to stand on? Okay, and thanks so much.
Quote from Intervention
[flashback to Marshall arriving at the apartment as Ted stacks books on a shelf:]
Marshall: Hey. What's that?
Ted: A 1986 World Book encyclopaedia. [en-sahy-kluh-pay-dee-uh] It's exactly the one I grew up with.
Ted: Oh, you think it should be pronounced encyclo-pee-dia. It's a common mistake. But if you look at that squished together "ae" symbol in this here encyclopaedia, you'll learn that it's a ligature derived from the Anglo-Saxon rune...
[The bookshelves collapse, ripping off a portion of plasterboard and exposing the building's red brick walls]
Marshall: You know, you're gonna have to paedia for that.
Quote from We're Not From Here
Ted: New Jersey is not "pretty much New York". You are not "pretty much New Yorkers".
Colleen: And how would you know?
Ted: Because I live here. That's right. I live here. Yes, we're full of crap. Yes, we pretended to be from out of town so we could sleep with you and leave in the morning. But you know what's even worse than that?! Saying you're a New Yorker when you're not. Because, this is the greatest city in the world and you have to earn the right to call yourself a New Yorker. So why don't you girls crawl into the open sewer pipe you call the Holland Tunnel and flush yourselves back to "pretty much New York"? Because I will do a lot to get laid, but I am not going to New Jersey!