Future Ted: [v.o.] Yeah, Barney and James together was a lethal combination. Since there was never any crossover in targets, James was always there for Barney with the assist.
[flashback to James and Barney at MacLaren's]:
James: [to a woman] Whoa. Your scarf... it is fierce!
Woman: Thanks. H&M.
James: What? I would never know, 'cause it is so hot that my eyes are melting. Oh, I can't see. Hey! You know, speaking of things that would look good wrapped around you, have you met my straight brother, Barney? Oh, he is fab...don't you go nowhere...ulous. Okay?

Barney: Exactly! Ted, let's wrap. Statistic: at every New York party there's always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, and you will never see her again. Do you see... where I'm going... hu-with this?
Ted: Barney, I don't wanna say.
Barney: Argh! Scoping, beep, scoping, beep!
Lily: Man you're a dork.
Barney: Beep, beep, beep, beep. Target acquired! And now it's time we play a little game I like to call "Have You Met Ted?"
Ted: No, come on not this.
Barney: [taps woman] Hi! Have you met Ted?

Barney: [slurring] A few final thoughts. Don't get married until you're 30. Play laser tag once a week. Give at least as many high fives as you get. Teacup pigs are lady magnets, but very hard to care for. Not worth the effort. The same goes for dogs and babies. And most importantly, whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary unless your friends are there to see it. Good luck, boys. Take care of the game for me.
Kyle: We will. Did you ever get his name?
Justin: No. What'd he give you?
Kyle: I don't know, but I think it's important. [Kyle holds a scrap of papers titled "The Playbook"]

Justin: I'm sorry, how exactly are you gonna teach us how to live?
Barney: The journey to awesome starts with a single... Actually, lots of singles. We're going to a strip club. [laughs]
Justin: Strip club? We're in the middle of nowhere.
Barney: There is always a strip club.
Justin: Hey, are you a little worried this guy might kill us?
Kyle: We just put a down payment on adult bunk beds. Would getting killed really be so bad?
Justin: Good point. I got a weird feeling. I mean, there's something off about... Whoa!
Barney: Question: why does this sign say "gentlemen's club"? Answer: because The Crab Shed is a place for gentlemen. A gentleman tips generously. A gentleman uses the complimentary bathroom cologne... [whispering] ...but not too much. Oh. This is important. Your instinct may be to avoid the free buffet. Your instinct is wrong. Don't sleep on the meatballs, gentlemen. They are exquisite! Come on!

Justin: Oh, my God, this is amazing! I ruined my pants, but it's totally worth it! Best meatballs ever! Mmm!
Kyle: I'm gonna ask a serious question right now. Can a person live in a strip club?
Barney: Yes. For the next few years, your strip club will be like home. Then, one day, you'll date a stripper and almost marry her, and after that, you'll realize you're done with strip clubs. In the sense that you'll dial it back to, like, once a week.
Justin: I feel like I can talk to women now.
Kyle: Yeah. You just stick a dollar bill in your mouth, and the conversation starts itself.
Justin: You know, I think we're ready to go back to that party and meet some ladies.
Barney: [laughs] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [slapping them both on each word] You! Are! Not! Ready! Your training is complete when I say your training is complete! Come on, let's go.