Barney Quote #1919

Quote from Barney in Coming Back

Marshall: [on the phone] Barney, before you get too upset, there's another flight that leaves in five minutes.
Barney: You're getting on it.
Marshall: I'm gonna try.
Barney: There is no try! You're getting on that plane.
Daphne: Hey, growth spurt. If there is only one seat left on this plane, I will fight you for it. And I'm a biter.
Barney: Marshall, whoever that is, grab her carry-on and throw it into a restricted area. I'm serious. Do it. Do it now.
Marshall: What? No. Barney, are you...? No, I'm not gonna... That's... No.
Barney: There is no, what, no, Barney, are you, no I'm not gonna, that's no! This is a holiday weekend. You're not gonna get to New York by being nice. So you're gonna have to lose the whole Midwestern aw-shucksy-doodles thing...
Marshall: Shucksy doodles?
Barney: ...and act like a New Yorker. A pushy, obnoxious, knock-the-other-guy-down-and-take-his-hot-dog resident of the greatest city on earth!
Marshall: No can do, Barney. I'm from Minnesota, where there's plenty of hot dogs for everyone. Perhaps even too many. But listen, I'm gonna get to New York without being a jerk.

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 ‘Coming Back’ Quotes

Quote from Ted

James: Okay, see you later, Ted.
Ted: You're not giving up, James. And neither am I.
[As James leaves, Ted returns to his crossword puzzle. The camera pans out to reveal The Mother sitting in the chair next to Ted, staring in the other direction. Ted then walks into the room and sits down at the table in another seat.]
Future Ted: Hey, beautiful.
The Mother: Hi.
Future Ted: God, you look great.
The Mother: What? Come on.
Future Ted: You do!
The Mother: I've been in a car all morning. I just ate a croissant crumb that I found in my bra. I'm disgusting.
Future Ted: Yeah, I saw you do that. And it was super hot. Come here.
The Mother: You come here. Come here.
Future Ted: No, you come here. Come here. Hey, you want to hear something funny? One year ago today, almost to the minute, I was sitting at this very table right in that seat.
The Mother: Oh, yeah. I can see it. Nursing your gin and tonic with three extra limes, doing the crossword, probably being all showboat-y about it.
Future Ted: I wasn't being showboat-y about it.
Ted: "Vesuvius". Boo-yah! Oh, wait, that doesn't fit.
Future Ted: The point is, one year ago today, I made a promise to myself right at this table.
The Mother: What was the promise?
Both Teds: I'm coming back, and I'm bringing you.
The Mother: Wait a second. Hold it. One year ago today, you hadn't even met me.
Future Ted: I know, but I knew I would. And now it's a year later.
The Mother: And here I am.
Future Ted: Here you are. Love in your eyes, baked goods in your undergarments.
The Mother: Yeah. You picked a real winner, Mosby.
Future Ted: I did. Okay, seriously, what the crap is taking so long with these rooms? It was like this last year. I'll be right back.
The Mother: I'll be right here.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Robin, I came to the desk to get this.
Robin: Is that the key to our room?
Barney: It's the key to James's room.
[When Barney and Robin enter James's room, there are rose petals on the bed, a banner reading "Love is Awesome", and a large life-size cake of a naked black man and a naked white man holding each other's asses:]
Robin: Oh, my. What is that?
Barney: It's an erotic cake. I wanted to surprise them for their anniversary.
Robin: Is that... Is that James and Tom?
Barney: Mmm, caramel marzipan, chocolate marzipan.
Robin: I love chocolate marzipan.
Barney: So does Tom. Used to anyway.
Robin: This is, uh, absolutely the, uh... the weirdest thing anyone has ever done for their sibling. I love you so much.

 Barney Stinson Quotes

Quote from How I Met Everyone Else

Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.

Quote from The Three Days Rule

Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Barney: Jesus.
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.